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| Post Number: 51
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MADDOG 
Group: Moderator
Posts: 7821
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 15 2007,10:35 pm |
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A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on The
dining room table:
To My Dear Wife,
"You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
Being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly
interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset ~ I shall be back home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter
On the dining room table:
To My Dear Husband,
"I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my
Being 54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
Also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you, that while you read this, I will be at
The Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman, with an excellent knowledge of math,
You will understand that we are in the same situation, although with
one Small difference:
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
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Actually my wife is especially happy when my google check arrives each month. Thanks to douchbags like you, I get paid just for getting you worked up. -Liberal
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| Post Number: 52
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ICU812
Group: Super Administrators
Posts: 3244
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 16 2007,7:22 pm |
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| Quote | 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow." |
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| Post Number: 53
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Ole1kanobe
Group: Members
Posts: 1360
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 16 2007,10:44 pm |
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Best reverse scam ever!
London scammer gets scammed
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The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.
-Albert Einstein-
Some of what is said here (myself included) is about as tolerable as listening to someone vacuum a cat.
-nphilbro-
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| Post Number: 54
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cueball869
Group: Members
Posts: 126
Joined: Jun. 2004
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Posted on: Mar. 17 2007,9:45 pm |
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The Beer Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk, as a skunk
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Amen.
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| Post Number: 55
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 25 2007,9:21 pm |
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Clem and Slim were hunting out back of Slim's place Clem looked through his scope and saw Slim's wife was being unfaithful with Jake from down the road, Clem spoke up and told Slim what he saw and ask Slim what he should do about it. Slim said Shoot her in the head and Jake in his private parts. Clem takes aim and say's hell I can do that with one shot.
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| Post Number: 56
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Grinning_Dragon
rideo draconigena
Group: Members
Posts: 3095
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 28 2007,3:05 pm |
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Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingBuddies 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as GuysNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, slut 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse2005.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Turbobloat and Multi-Whine.
These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Masserati 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Help requested please
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*SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS / MOLON LABE / Se Defendendo
memoria of cado frater ,Semper fidelis
*The object of war is NOT to DIE for YOUR Country, but to make the OTHER BASTARD DIE for HIS...Patton
My Constitutional Rights trump your dead.
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| Post Number: 57
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ICU812
Group: Super Administrators
Posts: 3244
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 28 2007,3:16 pm |
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| Quote | | While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse2005. |
That was a fun read.
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| Post Number: 58
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Grinning_Dragon
rideo draconigena
Group: Members
Posts: 3095
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 28 2007,4:14 pm |
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REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
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*SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS / MOLON LABE / Se Defendendo
memoria of cado frater ,Semper fidelis
*The object of war is NOT to DIE for YOUR Country, but to make the OTHER BASTARD DIE for HIS...Patton
My Constitutional Rights trump your dead.
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| Post Number: 59
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Duck Hunter
Group: Members
Posts: 174
Joined: Mar. 2007
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Posted on: Mar. 28 2007,10:12 pm |
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Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and BS with
his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter
went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I
may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore.
You're a United States Senator from New York . Act like one.
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| Post Number: 60
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 29 2007,1:31 pm |
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If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting
down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story
ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates..but this takes the cake. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most
embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was
absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, she yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme
cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!" He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment .. "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.
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