Topic: Jokes Part 2
started by: Spidey
Posted by Spidey on Jun. 28 2006,6:02 pm
It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet",
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix
the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review
the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some of the actual complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked P) and
the solutions recorded (marked S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P:&am p;nb sp; DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. sounds like a midget
pounding on something with hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Posted by n0esc on Jun. 30 2006,9:14 am
AT THE WALLBill Clinton, John Kerry, and George W. Bush face a firing squad in a
Small Central American country.
Bill Clinton is first placed against the wall,and just before the order
to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!" The firing squad falls
into a panic and Bill jumps over the wall and escapes in the confusion.
John Kerry is the second one placed against the wall. The squad is
reassembled and John ponders what his old pal Bill has done. Before the
order to shoot is given, John yells, "Tornado!" Again, the squad falls
apart and Kerry slips over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He is
thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop
over the wall." As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles
raise in his direction, he grins his famous smirk and yells, "Fire!"
Posted by SimpleLife on Jun. 30 2006,10:31 am
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 05 2006,12:14 am
A United States Soldier was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes wentby and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Soldier and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Soldier calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid crap and act like an jerk. ................So, He sent me."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 07 2006,3:20 pm
Never Argue with a WomanOne morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. "I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you, " says the game warden.
"That's true but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Posted by usmcr on Jul. 13 2006,2:10 pm
Better than a Rolex!a guy from newfounland is sitting at the bar in New York City & looks at his watch severl times in the space of a few minutes. a woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "is your date running late?"
"no" he replies, " i have this state of the art watch. i was just testing it."
the intrigued woman asks, "a state of the art watch? what is so special about it?"
the newfoundler explains, " it uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
the lady asks "what is it telling you now?'
"Well it is says that you are not wearing any panties."
the woman giggles and replies, " well it must be broken because i am wearing panties!"
the newfoundler smirks, taps his watch and says, bloody thing's running about an hour fast ... can i buy you a drink?"
Posted by usmcr on Jul. 13 2006,6:57 pm
San Francisco Ratsa tourist walks into a curio shop in s.f. looking around at the exotia, he notices a very life like bronze statue of a rat. it has no price tag, but it is so striking he decides he must have it. he takes it to the owner: "how much for the bronze rat?" "$12 for the rat & $100 for the story," says the owner. the man gives the owner $12. "i'll just take the rat you can keep the story."
as he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys & sewers & begun to following him down the street. this is disconcerting & he begins walking faster. but within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, & they begin squealing. he begins to trot toward the bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, & they are squealing & coming after him faster & faster.
concerned, even scared, he runs to the middle of the golden gate bridge & throws the bronze rat as far out in the bay as he could. amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the bay after it, & all are drowned. the man walks back to the curio shop. "ah ha" says the owner," you came back for the story?" "no" says the man, "i came back to see if you had a bronze republican."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 20 2006,9:29 pm
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 26 2006,2:25 pm
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his
doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor
refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I
can cure this." With that said, he throws a whitepowder in a flame, and
there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is
powerful medicine but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is
say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then
asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The
medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it
will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another
year." Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.That
night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his
most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is
lying next to her, he says, "123" and suddenly he becomes more aroused
than anytime in his life, just as the medicine manhad promised. His wife,
who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What didyou
say 123 for?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 26 2006,11:31 pm
< http://www.poqbum.com/RedButtonJoke/ >
Posted by jimhanson on Aug. 07 2006,11:34 am
A man walked into a very high-tec bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc.......
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked And asked what he would have? "A Martini please."
Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??
This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked , "A-r-e? y-o-u-r? p-e-o-p-l-e??? g-o-i-n-g? t-o?? n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e? H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?
Posted by concerned on Aug. 07 2006,12:08 pm
Posted by concerned on Aug. 07 2006,12:09 pm
Political Science for Dummies>
> DEMOCRATIC
> You have two cows.
> Your neighbor has none.
> You feel guilty for being successful.
> Barbara Streisand sings for you.
>
> REPUBLICAN
> You have two cows.
> Your neighbor has none.
> So?
>
> SOCIALIST
> You have two cows.
> The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
> You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
>
> COMMUNIST
> You have two cows.
> The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
> You wait in line for hours to get it.
> It is expensive and sour.
>
> CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
> You have two cows.
> You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
>
> BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
> You have two cows.
> Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk
> the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
>
> AMERICAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
> You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
> surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
> analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your
> stock goes up.
>
> FRENCH CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You go on strike because you want three cows.
> You go to lunch and drink wine.
> Life is good.
>
> JAPANESE CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
> and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on
> unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow
> school.
>
> GERMAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
> excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately
> they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
>
> ITALIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
> While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
> You break for lunch.
> Life is good.
>
> RUSSIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You have some vodka.
> You count them and learn you have five cows.
> You have some more vodka.
> You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
>
> TALIBAN CORPORATION
> You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
> You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
> parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
> alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
>
> IRAQI CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> They go into hiding.
> They send radio tapes of their mooing.
>
> POLISH CORPORATION
> You have two bulls.
> Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
>
> BELGIAN CORPORATION
> You have one cow.
> The cow is schizophrenic.
> Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The
> Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants
> control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut
> in half. The cow dies happy.
>
> FLORIDA CORPORATION
> You have a black cow and a brown cow.
> Everyone votes for the best looking one.
> Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
> vote for the black one. Some people vote for both.
> Some people vote for neither.
> Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
> Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you
> think is the best-looking cow.
>
> CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
> You have millions of cows.
> They make real California cheese.
> Only five speak English.
> Most are illegals.
> Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
>
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 07 2006,2:35 pm
9 Things I Hate About Everyone 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their butts to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". You got that right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it?
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hey?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, brighteyes?
Posted by jimhanson on Aug. 08 2006,4:05 pm
Received this E-mail. According to Snopes.com, it is not true--but it makes for interesting reading. It was part of a SALON magazine contest. And WHO SAYS there is nothing intellectually stimulating on the Forum?Here are 14 actual error messages seen on the computer screens in Japan,
some are written in Haiku.
Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation"?
The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
but we never will.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Posted by jimhanson on Aug. 14 2006,1:28 pm
THE POPE GOES TO ALASKA>
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising
along a campground in the Pope mobile when there was a
frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
>
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a
"Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt,
was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around
trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.
>
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers
came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's
chest... the other two reached up and pulled the bleeding,
semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long
clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them
threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly
placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
>
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them
to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!"
He told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between
Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but
now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
>
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who
was that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct
contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he
sure don't know nothin' about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding
up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?"
Posted by jimhanson on Aug. 19 2006,11:36 am
The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In
case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a
9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess
that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh . did I mention that I am the shift
supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a
cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step
in monkey DOO."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to
have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many
tickets as we want."
#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal
friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post
your bail."
And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? . .
You're right, we don't . . . Sign here.
Posted by jimhanson on Aug. 19 2006,3:31 pm
The US Navy welcomed the latest member of its fleet today.Pictured below:
The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver, BC. The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton "for his foresight in military budget cuts" and his conduct while president. The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which although they cannot be launched or captured on the 100 foot flight deck but form a very menacing presence.
As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board. The 20-person crew is completely diversified and includes members of all races, creeds, sex and sexual orientation. This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.
An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may sound hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
The ship's purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defense - but instead in times of conflict the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada. The ship may be positioned near the Democratic National Party Headquarters for photo-ops and can be used extensively for social experimentation, and whatever other worthless jobs, the ex-commander-in-chief and his wife can think of. It is largely rumored that the ship will also be the set for the upcoming season of MTV's "The Real World".
The ship was renamed and commissioned USS William J Clinton when someone realized the USS Blowfish was already taken.
Posted by grassman on Aug. 22 2006,11:52 pm
George says."YUP We'll spy on em and and keep an eye on em and and throw stuff at em and and we will take them out! By golly! YUP! YUP!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 31 2006,10:45 am
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.
One button at a time...
No one moves.......
He removes his shirt.......
Muscles ripple across his chest........
She gasps......
He whispers............
"Iron this...then get me a beer."
Posted by jimhanson on Sep. 01 2006,6:24 pm
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president. The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed. "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him. The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there was no oil!"
Posted by jimhanson on Sep. 01 2006,6:31 pm
The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC, 2051
Dear Senator Sarbanes,
As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue
Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the
Immigration and Naturalization Service in an effort to determine the
process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal
alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for
which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is
accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five
years, what I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and
income taxes for three of the last five years.
I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process
started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who
have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited
about the prospect of avoiding two years of the last five years taxes in
return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to
be illegal retroactively?
This would
yield an excellent return for me and my family because we paid heavy
taxes in
2004 and 2005 and I estimated a gross savings approximating $72,000.
After
the fine this would yield me a net savings of $70,000.
In addition, I would reap the other benefits of being an illegal alien
such as free healthcare, avoidance of paying Social Security taxes,
buying automobile insurance, serving on jury panels, etc.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal
(retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would
be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent,
Pete McGlaughlin
Posted by fauxtweet on Sep. 05 2006,9:53 pm
Subject: Politically correct additions...Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be
referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore ....
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF
THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - S he is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
COMPANION."
5. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
6. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED"
7. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY
ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES
ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He p refers "GENERATIONAL
DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP
CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's
"REAR CLEAVAGE "
Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to
make it more comfortable for the rest of us.
Posted by Looking_In on Sep. 06 2006,3:25 pm
I don't necessarily have a joke to type out, < but here is a link to a Super Cop video I found. >
Posted by Looking_In on Sep. 07 2006,2:59 pm
Power of DeductionSherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Posted by ICU812 on Oct. 30 2006,11:35 am
xxx
Posted by Mamma on Oct. 31 2006,6:59 am
What do they do for Halloween in Arkansas?.......................PUMPKIN!
Posted by cheeba on Oct. 31 2006,10:21 am
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
Posted by Gabe on Oct. 31 2006,11:16 pm
Just interesting Facts.....In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
Posted by Wareagle11B on Nov. 09 2006,6:21 pm
< Bob Hope >Click on the Here it is link and enjoy a good laugh. Bob Hope was definitely one of a kind.
Posted by Krusty on Nov. 21 2006,4:30 pm
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, I hate toruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
Divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.
Pop, what are you talking about, the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer the old man says.
We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her. And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
Like heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts. I'll take care of
this.
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, You are NOT
getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. They're
coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.
Posted by ICU812 on Nov. 27 2006,11:29 am
Man who run in front of car get tired.Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget
Posted by bianca on Dec. 28 2006,6:56 pm
This man goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful woman wave at him and say," hello." He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Posted by hymiebravo on Dec. 29 2006,12:51 pm
| Quote |
| "No, I'm your son's math teacher." |
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 12 2007,3:01 pm
I'm somewhat of a Viking's Fan, but this is still funny!A guy from Minnesota dies and is sent to Hell.
He had been a horrible man his entire life.
The devil puts him to work breaking up
rocks with a sledge hammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the
temperature and the humidity.
After a couple of days, the devil checks
in on his victim to see if he is suffering
adequately.
The devil is aghast as the Minnesotan
is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a
happy tune.
The devil walks up to him and says, "I
don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up,
it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so
happy?"
The Minnesotan, with a big smile,
looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It
reminds me of August in Minnesota. Hot, humid, a
good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is
fantastic!"
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks
away to ponder the Minnesotan's remarks. Then he
decides to drop the temperature, send down a
driving rain and torrential wind.
Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess.
Walking in mud up to his knees with dust
blowing into his eyes, the Minnesotan is happily
slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full
of crushed rocks.
Again, the devil asks how he can be happy
in such conditions.
The Minnesotan replies, "This is
great! Just like April in Minnesota. It reminds me
of working out in the yard with spring planting!"
The devil is now completely baffled but
more determined to make the Minnesotan suffer.
He makes the temperature plummet.
Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice.
Confident that this will surely make
the Minnesotan unhappy, the devil checks in on
him.
He is again aghast at what he sees. The
Minnesotan is dancing, singing, and twirling his
sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know
its 40 below zero!? " screams the devil.
Jumping up and down, the Minnesotan
throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's
frozen over! This means the Vikings won the Super Bowl!"
Q: What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Minnesota Vikings.
Q: What do the Vikings and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
Q: How do you keep a Minnesota Viking out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.
Q: Where do you go in Minneapolis in case of a tornado?
A: To the Metro Dome - they never get a touchdown there!
Q: What do you call a Minnesota Viking with a Super Bowl ring?
A: a thief.
Q: What's the difference between the Minnesota Vikings and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q: How many Minnesota Vikings does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we will never find out.
Q: What do the Minnesota Vikings and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home (and get killed on the road)
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 15 2007,12:12 pm
LAWYERS SHOULD NEVER ASK A MEXICAN GRANDMA A QUESTION IF THEY AREN'T PREPARED FOR THE ANSWER.IN A TRIAL, IN A SMALL TOWN in TEXAS , A
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY CALLED HIS FIRST WITNESS, A MEXICAN GRANDMOTHER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN TO THE STAND.
HE APPROACHED HER AND ASKED, MRS SANCHEZ,"DO YOU KNOW ME?"
SHE RESPONDED, "SI, I MEANA, YES I KNOW YOU MR. WILLIAMS. I KNOWN YOU
SINCE YOU WERE A CHAVALITO AND FRANKLY YOU'VE BEEN A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME. YOU LIE, YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, AND YOU MANIPULATE PEOPLE AND TALK ABOUT THEM BEHIND THEIR BACKS. YOU THINK YOU'RE A BIG SHOT WHEN YOU HAVEN'T THE BRAINS TO REALIZE YOU WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO NOTHIN' BUT A TWO BIT! PAPERPUSHER. YES I KNOW YOU."
THE LAWYER WAS STUNNED. NOT KNOWING WHAT ELSE TO DO, HE POINTED ACROSS THE ROOM AND ASKED, MRS. SANCHEZ, DO YOU KNOW THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY?
SHE AGAIN REPLIED, "WHY YESH I DO. I'VE KNOWN MR. RODRIGUEZ SINCE HE WAS A CHAVALITO TOO. HE'S LAZY, GORDO, AND HE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM. HE CAN'T HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH NOBODY AND HE HAS THE WORST LAW PRACTICE IN THE STATE. HA! AND NOT TO MENTION HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE WITH THREE DIFFERENT PUTAS. ONE OF THEM WAS YOUR WIFE. YOU MEMBER? I
KNOW MR. RODRIGUEZ, HIS MAMA IS NOT PROUD OF HIM."
THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY ALMOST DIED. THE JUDGE ASKED BOTH COUNSELORS TO APPROACH THE BENCH AND IN A VERY QUIET VOICE SAID, "IF EITHER OF YOU IDIOTS ASK HER IF SHE KNOWS ME, I"LL SEND YOU TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 18 2007,12:05 pm
< Funny Video >
Posted by grassman on Jan. 18 2007,1:28 pm
| Quote (GEOKARJO @ Jan. 12 2007,3:01pm) |
| Q: What do you call a Minnesota Viking with a Super Bowl ring? A: a thief. |
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 19 2007,2:59 pm
Funny Bill Board
Posted by Big Dog on Jan. 21 2007,2:19 pm
www.slabearkazad.com/sniff/
Posted by Wareagle11B on Jan. 21 2007,7:44 pm
What do you call a SMart Blonde?A GOLDEN RETRIEVER
Posted by bianca on Jan. 23 2007,3:04 am
MOST OF US CAN RELATE TO THE WAY IT WAS AND HOW IT IS NOW TIMES ARE CHANGING Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun
rack.
1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jailand never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by
Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad
gives him a whipping.
1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes tocollege, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to
foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.
1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by Hispanic community. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1973 - Ants die.
2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.
1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.
All in the name of progress!
Enjoy your day.
Posted by ICU812 on Feb. 02 2007,7:12 pm
The lawyer & the farmer> A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Ohio. He shot and dropped
> a duck, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
>
> As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
> tractor and asked him what he was doing.
>
> The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
> now I'm going to retrieve it."
>
> The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
> over here."
>
> The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
> United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
> take everything you own."
>
> The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
> settle disputes in Ohio. We settle small disagreements like this with
> the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
>
> The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
>
> The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurred on my land,
> first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on
> back and forth until someone gives up."
>
> The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
> that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
> local custom.
>
> The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
> the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed
> work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His
> second kick to the midriff then made the lawyer lose his early morning
> breakfast. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to
> his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
>
> The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
> feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now
> it's my turn."
>
> The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the
> duck."
Posted by Bird Watcher on Feb. 03 2007,9:23 am
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
Posted by Bird Watcher on Feb. 03 2007,10:02 am
I just received this via email. Sounds like a damn good idea to me. Think I'll call the IRS. 
Becoming Illegal (From a Maryland resident to his senator)
The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC, 20510
Dear Senator Sarbanes,
As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal
Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have
contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to
determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen
to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by
the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this
bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States
for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000
fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a
good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process
started before everyone figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay
taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two
years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way
that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an
excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes
in 2004 and 2005.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local
emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have
stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant
figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status
would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment
relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many
colleges throughout the United States for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the
burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car
insurance premiums . This is very important to me given that I still have
college age children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become
illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary
forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent,
Pete McGlaughlin
Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service
1-800-289-1040. Please pass this onto your friends so they
can save on this great offer!!!!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 06 2007,6:46 pm
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know thatthey are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so
Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely
walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I
want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just
the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.
Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about
it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can
both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr.
Smith
says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old
enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce
instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I
make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do
us just fine." By this time, Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce
has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to
come
up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second,
Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all
figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do
if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Bruce just
shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little chit is adorable.
Posted by ICU812 on Feb. 14 2007,7:27 am
My Daddy the DancerOne day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men, and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No", the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Posted by bianca on Feb. 28 2007,3:11 pm
New Office PolicyDress Code:
- You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
- If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
- If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
- If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted by bianca on Feb. 28 2007,3:24 pm
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES: An elderly Floridian called 911 on her
cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
FAMILY:
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_
DRIVING:
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 07 2007,11:03 am
2 questionsQuestion 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here
are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for?
Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist.
He's
had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a
day.
Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be our choice?
Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said
YES, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more
than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to
keep the rest of us in line.
Posted by MADDOG on Mar. 15 2007,10:35 pm
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on Thedining room table:
To My Dear Wife,
"You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
Being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly
interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset ~ I shall be back home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter
On the dining room table:
To My Dear Husband,
"I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my
Being 54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
Also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you, that while you read this, I will be at
The Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman, with an excellent knowledge of math,
You will understand that we are in the same situation, although with
one Small difference:
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
Posted by ICU812 on Mar. 16 2007,7:22 pm
| Quote |
| 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow." |
Posted by Ole1kanobe on Mar. 16 2007,10:44 pm
Best reverse scam ever!< London scammer gets scammed >
Posted by cueball869 on Mar. 17 2007,9:45 pm
The Beer Prayer Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk, as a skunk
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Amen.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 25 2007,9:21 pm
Clem and Slim were hunting out back of Slim's place Clem looked through his scope and saw Slim's wife was being unfaithful with Jake from down the road, Clem spoke up and told Slim what he saw and ask Slim what he should do about it. Slim said Shoot her in the head and Jake in his private parts. Clem takes aim and say's hell I can do that with one shot.
Posted by Grinning_Dragon on Mar. 28 2007,3:05 pm
Dear Technical Support,18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingBuddies 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as GuysNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, slut 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse2005.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Turbobloat and Multi-Whine.
These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Masserati 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Help requested please
Posted by ICU812 on Mar. 28 2007,3:16 pm
| Quote |
| While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse2005. |
That was a fun read.
Posted by Grinning_Dragon on Mar. 28 2007,4:14 pm
REPLY:Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Posted by Duck Hunter on Mar. 28 2007,10:12 pm
Dear Abby:My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and BS with
his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter
went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I
may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore.
You're a United States Senator from New York . Act like one.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 29 2007,1:31 pm
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sittingdown when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story
ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates..but this takes the cake. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most
embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was
absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, she yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme
cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!" He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment .. "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.
Posted by bianca on Apr. 05 2007,6:52 am
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
Posted by usmcr on Apr. 06 2007,1:37 pm
How To Get Ahead At Work:What is 100% effort?
what does it mean to give more than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here is a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
if: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
is repesented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
then:
HARDWORK (8+1+18++4+23+15+18+11)=98%
AND
KNOWLEDGE (11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5)=96%
BUT,
ATTITUDE (1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5)= 100%
HOWEVER,
BULLcrap (2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20)=103%
AND NOW LOOK HOW FAR ASS KISSING WILL GET YOU!
ASSKISSING (1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7)=127%
So one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work & knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullcrap & ass kissing that will put you over the top!
Posted by ICU812 on Apr. 11 2007,8:47 am
Here is a picture from some SPAM I received. Does the damn thing really look "discreet"?
Posted by bianca on Apr. 19 2007,5:49 am
Subject: Fw: Airline PersonnelThe airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Ed, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit."
"It's The Box Office."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 21 2007,10:13 pm
As we all know the skunks have gotten bad in Albert Lea and the city counsel advertised for someone to rid the city of the skunks, A few weeks ago a fellow showed up at city hall and offered to rid the city of skunks for free. Mayor Erdman gave the felllow the go ahead and so this guy drives out to the edge of town gets out of his truck and uncages a blue skunk. Before you know it every skunk in town gathers around this blue skunk and the blue skunk started walking out of town toward Iowa with every skunk in town following it. After a coulple of days the blue skunk returned to the old mans truck and not another skunk in site.Mayor Erdman was impressed and thank the old man. The Mayor said that was a great service you provided but I have one question.
The old man stopped Mayor Erdman and said " I promised to remove your skunks for free but questions will cost you $5,000 each."
Mayor Erdman allocated the money from the general fund and asked his question.
"Do you have a Blue Liberal Activist".
Posted by MADDOG on Apr. 23 2007,12:03 pm
I'm a white boyA little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking.
He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.
"Mom, look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and
says, "Go show your father."
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a
white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, Go show your
grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Mira, abuelita,
I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him
back to his mother. His mother says, "See. Did you learn anything from
that?"
The boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes
and already I don't like you Mexicans."
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 02 2007,11:15 am
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 02 2007,11:22 am
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed." There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab
the fish!!"
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and
that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, “Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly .. and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter
shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse.. The mouse ducks...The cat falls into
the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
some pussy is in serious danger.
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 02 2007,11:27 am
Ten Pack Weiner Roaster
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 02 2007,11:36 am
Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.
The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”
The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 02 2007,11:43 am
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, all of the Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have absolutely no idea how freaking good I feel right now!
Dang, that Dr. Phil is smart!
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 02 2007,12:47 pm
If Men Ruled the World Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
Mother's Day too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Garbage would take itself out.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Two words..."Ally McNaked".
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards
Posted by MADDOG on May 03 2007,10:23 am
TWENTY DOLLARSOn their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily
agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied
and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3
million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my
business!"
That's when she shot him.
Posted by MADDOG on May 03 2007,1:15 pm
10 Words That Don't Exist But Should1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8 PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 16 2007,6:30 pm
The Blonde and the Deodorant The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
Posted by usmcr on May 17 2007,8:30 am
ole & lena: one for the fishermen!one day ole died, so lena went down to the local newspaper to put in a obituary notice.
she told the ad person that she wanted the ad to say that ole died.
the ad person told her that the first five words were free.
lena being a conservative person thought for awhile & then figured it out.
she told the ad person ok then put in ole died, boat for sale!
Posted by usmcr on May 17 2007,8:36 am
ole & lean: one for the newly weds!ole & lena were on their way up the cities for their honeymoon.
about half way up there ole put his hand on lenas thigh.
lena got a little excited & said to ole, you can go a little further if you would like to.
so ole drove all the way to duluth!
Posted by This is my real name on May 25 2007,9:46 pm
Picture from a recent trip to New York. This eatery is located on the Boardwalk at Coney Island. Read the sign closely!
Posted by This is my real name on May 25 2007,9:47 pm
Of course, after that, you'll want to stop and get your rector cleaned. This photo was taken near Wall Street.
Posted by This is my real name on May 25 2007,9:50 pm
Where all the Morans hang out. Those of you familiar with < FARK > will get the humor in this one.
Posted by This is my real name on May 28 2007,9:10 am
Here's a local one my wife spotted the other day. Funny how the removal of one letter of from a sign can give it a completely different meaning.By the way, if you like seeing funny pictures like this, check out < I Love Bacon >. They have new pictures five days a week.
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 30 2007,10:13 pm
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE! What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap"
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Posted by usmcr on Jul. 06 2007,11:15 am
Special gift for the teacher:on the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
the florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
the candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
then the liquor owner's son brought up a big heavy box.
the teacher lifted it up and noticed it was leaking a little bit.
she touched a drop of the liquid with her fingers and tasted it.
'is it wine?" she guessed.
'no" the boy replied.
she tasted another drop and asked, "champagne?"
after another taste she asked, "irish whiskey?"
"no" said the little boy.... "it's a puppy!"
Posted by bianca on Jul. 06 2007,11:36 pm
Subject: RefundA Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex
therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? "
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely
nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good-bye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems and seemingly are really enjoying themselves.He then pays the doctor, and they leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you
trying to find out through The aid of my services?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to My house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do It here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"
Posted by usmcr on Jul. 08 2007,6:53 pm
Retrograde----- Taking it to a new level!In my next life------
I want to live my next life backwards.
You start out dead & get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a old age home feeling better every day.
Eventually you get kicked out for being to healthy;then go collect your pension. When you start work, you get a gold watch the first day on the job. You work 40 years until your young enough to enjoy retirement. You drink alcohol, party; your generally promiscuous, and you get ready for high school. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then --- You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then---- you finish off your life as an orgasm!
Posted by usmcr on Sep. 08 2007,8:11 pm
All Drinks 10 cents!four retired guys were walking down the street in Ocala, Flordia, when they saw a sign that read " old timers bar: all drinks ten cents!" they looked at each other, & went in, thinking it was to good to be true.
the old bartender said in a voice that carried across the room, " come on in & let me pour one for you! what'll it be gentleman?" all four asked for a martini. in short order, the bartender served up four iced martinis, shaken, not stirred, and said, " that will be 10 cents each, please." the four men stared at the bartender for a moment, looked at each other , then quickly paid 40 cents.
after a second round, sill at the same price, their curiosity got the best of them. finally, one of the men asked, "how can you afford to serve martinis as good as these, for only a dime a piece?"
"well i'm a retired tailor from boston, and i always wanted to own a bar. last year i hit the lott3ery for $50 million and decided to move to florida and open this place. every drink costs a dime, be it wine, liquor or beer.
" wow thats quite the story" replied one of the men. as they continued to sip their martinis, they couldn't help but notice the other three guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything all the while they were in the bar.
one of them gestured toward the men with no drinks and asked the bartender, " whats with them?" "oh, they're democrats," he replied " they are waiting for happy hour at 5 o'clock when the drinks are half price."
Posted by usmcr on Sep. 08 2007,8:24 pm
Ole got it figured out!after having dug to the depth of 15 feet last year a scottish scientist found traces of copper wire which dated his ancestors with having had a telephone system 150 years ago,
not to be out done by the scotts a italian scientist dug down 30 feet & found traces of copper wire that was 200 years old. which made that 50 years older than the scotts.
Ole up in embarass, minnesota who was a self taught scientist dug down to a depth of 50 feet & found absolutely nothing.
Ole concluded that 300 years ago that the Norwegians were using wireless communication!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 17 2007,1:56 pm
She was Soooooooooooo Blonde.... Body: She was Soooooooooooo Blonde....
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
She was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she wrote "Hooked On Phonics."
* She asked for a price check at the dollar store.
* It took her two hours to watch '60 Minutes'.
She was Soooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She was Soooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She was SoooooooooooooooooooooooooBlonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
AND...One of my favorites....:
She was Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She thought Taco Bell was the Mexican telephone company
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 17 2007,2:15 pm
A new, young MD. doing his residency in OB , was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. A middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing an exam suddenly burst out laughing embarrassing him even more. Looking up from his work he sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 17 2007,2:16 pm
Judi decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Judi: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Judi: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 17 2007,2:22 pm
Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.Maw walks in and says,
"Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw."
Paw walks out to the outhouse,
looks at it, and says,
"Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."
Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're
gonna fix the problem!"
Paw puts his head down in the hole
(just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers,
"Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this
here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says,
"Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 17 2007,2:25 pm
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for
a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in
heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but
keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on
the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the
block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 20 2007,4:47 pm
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse",she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. "O.K., now take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra", which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties". Johnny finishes removing these too.
His mother then says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 20 2007,5:05 pm
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 20 2007,5:15 pm
An actual letter sent to Miller Brewing Company and their response: Miller Brewing Company Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201
Dear Sir or Madam,
I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80's).
Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD.
For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.
But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold!
Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design.
Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations:
1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight.
4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can.
5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
6. Warm beer sucks.
This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer.
However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can... black!!!
Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with.
Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below.
The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 (and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers.
The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suck-point) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.
Beer Type Average Suck-point (minutes)
Miller Lite (white can) 6.2
Bud (white can) 5.5
Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4
Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8
Coors (gold can) 0.1
It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point.
It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.
The Miller response appears below. They have had a lot of fun with this guy's letter. Enjoy...
Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration.
Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States.
First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature.
Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staffer working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized. However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake.
So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and Southern beer drinkers.
Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston.
However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame.
From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products.
We hope this will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends.
This technique is known as "shot-gunning". You should like the name.
Again, thank you for your letter and bring to our attention that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I am have our advertising department work on campaign to solve this problem, too.
Sincerely,
Tom B. Miller
Public Relations
Miller Brewing Co.
From: Adrian Gilbert <>
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 20 2007,5:27 pm
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling".
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick".
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 20 2007,6:26 pm
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up, rubbed it and a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was entitled to three wishes. The Genie said: "No... ! Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said : "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other." The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm GOOD, but not THAT good! No...I don't think it can be done.
Make another wish!" The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful!!
That's what I wish for...a good mate." The Genie let out a long sigh and said : "Let me look at that fricken map again!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 20 2007,6:45 pm
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the
squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. Then I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road,
shaking hands, when a truck hit us
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 29 2007,11:43 am
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
'About 2 hours.' The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said,
'About 3 hours.' The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop and said,
'About an hour and a half.' The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said,
'Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he
doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So where does that guy go when he leaves?'
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, 'Your house.'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 02 2007,5:18 pm
< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI&eurl >
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 10 2007,4:14 pm
Top 10 Do's and Don'ts While Playing Golf or Using A Urinal 10. Back straight, knees bent, and feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Quiet please!…while others are preparing to take their shot.
5. Stay out of the water.
4. Try not to hit anyone.
3. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
2. Don’t stare while others address their balls.
And the #1 suggestion for guys while playing golf or using a urinal….
1. Don’t let anyone see you take those extra strokes!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 13 2007,11:31 am
17 WAYS TO BE A GOOD LIBERAL Odd....but true - -
1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand..
2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression, and governments create prosperity.
3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens are more of a threat than nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Iranor Chinese and North Korean communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV'S.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read or behave themselves is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but PETA activists do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it. Or that being a winner is somehow wrong.
11. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
12. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
13. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, or Abraham Lincoln.
14. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
15. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
16. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag queens and transvestites should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
17. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy.
Posted by grassman on Oct. 13 2007,8:26 pm
Don't your fingers get sore?
Posted by Grinning_Dragon on Oct. 13 2007,10:22 pm
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a
sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.
This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by
the US Air Force and the federal government.
However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine
months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr., Hillary Rodham,
John F. Kerry, William Jefferson Clinton, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne
Feinstein, Charles E. Schumer, and Barbara Boxer were born.
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? This piece of
information may clear up a lot of things.
Clears it up for me.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 15 2007,11:26 am
All in the days work of a tech supportCaller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Me: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.
Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 15 2007,11:28 am
As the doors shut and the crowded elevator made its way down to the ground floor, Hillary got very angry with Bill. She noticed that he was wedged up against a nice young girl and had a smile on his face that said he was delighted to be in that position.
As the elevator reached the ground floor and the doors were about to open, the girl suddenly slapped Bill’s face and said aloud, "I’m not that kind of girl. That will teach you not to pinch my bottom!"
Hillary and Bill didn’t say a word as they made their way to the car park.
When they got in the car, Bill turned to Hillary and said, "You know Hillary, I really didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said Hillary smiling, "I did."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 15 2007,11:55 am
A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."
A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington where she will become President, and then half the country will be out looking for work."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 15 2007,12:01 pm
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word
Out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued,
"May I inquire as to what the turkey did."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 15 2007,12:03 pm
The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up!
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is,
has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Posted by Grinning_Dragon on Oct. 15 2007,8:51 pm
Public School----1957 vs. 2007Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with
shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car
and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and
never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized
students and teachers.
Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge
them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario:
Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for
ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,
and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster
care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she
remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. Car
searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear
nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation
is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and
Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given
diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot
speak English.
Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a
model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic
terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers
confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed
to fly again.
Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found
crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She
faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Posted by jimhanson on Oct. 26 2007,7:24 pm
Halloween is coming up. I've had these in my files for a couple of years now, and haven't used them.Kerry as Lurch
Posted by jimhanson on Oct. 26 2007,7:26 pm
Here's another
Posted by jimhanson on Oct. 26 2007,7:30 pm
Here's the SCARIEST PICTURE OF ALL! "She who will not stay Dead!" 
Posted by hmmmnoidea on Oct. 26 2007,10:45 pm
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 27 2007,1:39 pm
Giuliani's Push To Save America
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 27 2007,1:43 pm
Too Much Candy Causes Upset Tummies
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 28 2007,4:34 pm
Ackmed was excited to be able to serve his cause. Killing ungrateful infidels like Americans is what he wants to do. The fact that he will die by his own hand doesn't worry him, because he knows that there will be 72 virgins waiting for him in the promised land. Ackmed straps on the bombs, puts on a fresh turban and go to do his duties.
He sucessfully denotes his bomb, killing himself and 17 other people.
All of the sudden, the brightest light Ackmed has ever seen appears. That lights dims with each second of Ackmed being in the promised land. His vision finally clears up enough to make out his new harem... his 72 virgins.
Ackmed's only issue is they are all men wearing black leather vests.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 28 2007,4:41 pm
The beauty of outsourcing jobs.... I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Depression Help Hotline. I was put through to a call center in Pakistan. I explained that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane....
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 31 2007,12:31 pm
Social Security After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said "That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my
Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten
disability, too."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 01 2007,11:35 am
THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 01 2007,4:48 pm
Drinks Show Your Personality Before-you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's a homo.
Posted by Bookworm on Nov. 02 2007,9:16 am
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boyshould give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the
boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too
concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, His father
decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed four objects on his study table:
- a Bible
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whiskey
- a Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old Preacher said to himself, "when he
comes home from school this afternoon, I'll See which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing
that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman,
and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the Bottle, he's going to
be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of
all, if he picks up that Magazine he's gonna be a Skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his Room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over
to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his
arm. He Picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He
uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's
centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna run
for Congress!"
Posted by ICU812 on Nov. 02 2007,11:04 am
< You Gotta Click on This >
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 02 2007,1:59 pm
Whats the Difference between a Drunk and a Stoner? The Drunk run's through a stop sign the Stoner waits for it to turn Green.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 02 2007,3:32 pm
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 02 2007,3:35 pm
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 06 2007,1:04 pm
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 06 2007,1:08 pm
Four Religious Truths 1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
World.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 06 2007,1:20 pm
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived ....and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play
topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled,
"Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down....and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
Moral -
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men.....are men
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 06 2007,1:49 pm
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived ....and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play
topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled,
"Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down....and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
Moral -
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men.....are men
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 07 2007,8:16 pm
< Software Wars >
Posted by Spidey on Nov. 08 2007,12:47 am
Auto trader adRated R for Language
Posted by Spidey on Nov. 08 2007,12:51 am
Posted by Botto 82 on Nov. 08 2007,1:27 am
The day I get dressed up to go to WAL-MART is the day that I...Wait a minute... I don't even go to WAL-MART.
Nevermind...
Posted by ICU812 on Nov. 08 2007,10:16 am
Worlds Shortest BooksTHINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
By Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
_
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
___
MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
*******************************************************
AND, JUST ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 08 2007,5:02 pm
Algebra Teacher Arrested Kennedy International Airport reported that an algebra teacher was arrested yesterday when they found on him a compass, protractor, and a slide rule.
They charged him with possessing weapons of Math Instruction....
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 08 2007,5:02 pm
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget,
so he had to work it out with a pencil and a piece of paper.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 09 2007,11:57 am
So you want to date my daughterRule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you"d better be delivering a package, because you"re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter"s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don"t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I"m sure you"ve been told that in today"s world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don"tyou do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 09 2007,3:20 pm
I thought I would have fun with this joke I posted above< So you want to date my daughter >
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 17 2007,12:17 pm
Weird factsMost lipstick contains fish scales.
A shrimp's heart is in its head.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest
tongue twister in the English language.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a
million descendants. (YUK !!)
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your
ear
by 700 times. (GROSS)
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14,
Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July
16, 1969, make
it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with
extraterrestrials or
their vehicles?
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
23% of all photocopier faults world-wide are caused by people sitting
on
them and photocopying their butts.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress
a
sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
If you keep
your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one
reported a
single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand. (Did the
gov't.,
pay for this study?)
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a
telephone call.
Horses can't vomit.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the
world's
nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
because
when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of
all
the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH" and "ORANGE".
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never
stop growing.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including
their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only
on
one row of the keyboard.
"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33.
She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 19 2007,12:47 pm
On a flight, getting ready to depart for New Orleans:Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in
fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there.
They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public
schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad
as the media says.Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a
place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you.
I've been worried to death.But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll
take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 19 2007,12:59 pm
< Baby Boomers >
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 19 2007,1:01 pm
A deer Hunters Dream Shot< Click here >
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 19 2007,1:05 pm
A maid in a Wilshire home wanted a wage increase.The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did".
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 19 2007,1:18 pm
< Why you should not drink and Bike >
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 19 2007,1:23 pm
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company toreport her telephone failed to ring when her friends
called and that on the few occasions, when it did
ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone
rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene,
curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set,
and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't
ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the
telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman
found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground
wire with a stee l chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling
current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start
moaning and then would urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus
causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 19 2007,2:04 pm
Blue Collar Advice ColumnDEAR WALTER ADVICE COLUMN:
Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for
work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't
gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the
car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with
a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband
is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted
him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a
lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd
carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR.
When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and
he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him
why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that
he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop
or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he
says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love
him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become
increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help? Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be
caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that
there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee
clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of
these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float
chamber. I hope this helps. Walter
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 19 2007,2:34 pm
Little JohnnyA grade school teacher in upstate New York, asked her class how
many of them are 'Hillary fans'.
Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked
by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.
The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Johnny says, "I'm not a Hillary fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.
The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a
George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an
idiot , what would that make you?"
So Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 19 2007,2:46 pm
HISTORY CondensedA Condensed Version of History.
For those that don't know about history...... here is a condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to th e brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women
have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.
They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.......
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 19 2007,2:57 pm
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the Button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it master,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad...I decided to give myself a one-second burst justfor heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it again!'
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 20 2007,1:40 pm
< japanese toilets >
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 23 2007,2:34 pm
you might be a pot head if1 you wear sun glasses at night so you can see better
2 you have acctually put out a fire with bong water
3 the term "hydro" does not mean water
4 you have an usual parking space outside your local head shop
5 you have a name for your 3 bongs 2 pipes one of which was made by you
6 you know your measurements from grams to ounces by heart
7 your best friends are your dealer and your roller
8 you sell your car for gas money
9 after reading this list you have done most if not all
10 if you respect 4:20 to a religious value
11 if you sue your employer for not getting holiday pay on april 20th
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 23 2007,2:36 pm
Stoner joke A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 23 2007,2:51 pm
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of
the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed,
the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor
to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 23 2007,3:05 pm
Ireland Declares War on FranceJacques Chirac, the French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Mayo, Ireland. I am ringing you to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you and your country."
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next-door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused, "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army, waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again, "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs, amused, "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy, "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war's still on! We've managed to get ourselves airborne. We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us, as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac, I'm sorry to inform you that we've had to call off the war."
"Really? I'm sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "We had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there's no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 23 2007,4:02 pm
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight
Paddy. Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite,
Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his
face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fokin' smashed," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fokin' way". He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes
a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fok it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fokin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"... Mick phoned, . . .. You left your wheelchair at the pub."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 23 2007,4:20 pm
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 26 2007,2:46 pm
< http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmov....&id=646 >
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 28 2007,3:44 pm
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?" Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arss
(_-|-_) a fat arss
(!) a tight arss
(_*_) a sore arss
{_!_} a swishy arss
(_o_) an arss that's been around
(_x_) kiss my arss
(_X_) leave my arss alone
(_zzz_) a tired arss
(_E=mc2_) a smart arss
(_$_) Money coming out of his arss
(_?_) Dumb Arss
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 29 2007,12:26 pm
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A: Beat it -- we're closed.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 29 2007,12:28 pm
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? A: One US leader
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 29 2007,1:50 pm
< Understanding Women >
Posted by Wareagle11B on Dec. 05 2007,3:18 pm
My New TruckI bought a brand new Ford F-250 crew cab and returned to the dealer the
next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained
that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied,"Ricky or
Willie?" "Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the
speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!" and in an instant "Georgia On My
Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
"Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles",
I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I
swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Idiots!" Immediately the French
National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand,
backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar,
Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine,
Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on Scotch.
God, I LOVE this truck!!!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 10 2007,10:02 am
10 things that to remember when wanting to impress women10. If she asks “Am I too fat?” Do not say “For what?”
9. If she tells you she paid $300 to have her cat's tooth pulled, don't suggest “Fluffy could have chewed on the other side.”
8. Miss America banners don't qualify as a “good read.”
7. It's a special moment when she removes her top
unless you're at a rock concert.
6. There's a difference between showing an interest in her family and yelling “Who's your daddy?”
5. Remember, the Black Widow spider kills her mate after sex… Before he can ask “Well, did you?”
4. Realize that health warnings on tequila bottles don't even scratch the surface for saying the wrong name in bed.
3. Approaching a lady for a physical relationship is like applying for a job… But it's less beneficial to be a “self starter.”
2. If she says “Let's go to counseling” she's thinking “Let's go to obedience school.”
1. Diamonds are forever… Support payments can be, too.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 10 2007,1:12 pm
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, Mamacita, let's do Weeweechu." Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you, and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the
moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time,
we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Posted by ICU812 on Dec. 10 2007,1:13 pm
Heard on the radio yesterday that Steve Winwood and Eddie Veddar are going to start a new band - Traffic Jam.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 12 2007,2:20 pm
A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff. A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.
When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, “These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”
He shrugs and says, “Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We’re just here to paint the halls.”
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 12 2007,2:25 pm
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?" "Well," said the guy, "I''m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can''t help practicing my art!"
"That''s the stupidest thing I''ve ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 12 2007,2:36 pm
before Xmas in an old hunting shack The shotguns were loaded and hung in the rack
8 hunters were sleeping all snug in their beds
While visions of trophy bucks danced in their heads
Then outside their shack something moved on the land
They came to the window with shotguns in hand
When what to their half open eyes should appear
8 trophy bucks, 8 big deer
They all raised their guns and each took a shot
All 8 fell, believe it or not
When out of the dark a voice loud and clear
You goofy rednecks shot my reindeer!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 12 2007,2:59 pm
Multitasking is the ability to screw up several things at once.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 12 2007,3:01 pm
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view of everyone
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 12 2007,4:09 pm
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single reindeer (from Rudolph to Blitzen) had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost
What do you hear santa saying as he's getting his fatass pulled around?
ho ho ho
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 14 2007,2:38 pm
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I HAVE A GUN, AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT! GET OUT OF THE CAR!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jakcing by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment... make it memorable.
Posted by canvasback on Dec. 14 2007,10:04 pm
A grade school teacher in Paso Robles asked her class how many of them are Hillary fans.Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.
The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Hillary fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
So Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 15 2007,1:07 pm
< Mac a better way to crash >
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 15 2007,2:06 pm
Clinton and the Titanic Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report,
with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... cost - $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:.... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.
Titanic:...... Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:.... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:...... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica....ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 15 2007,2:13 pm
Hillary Clinton's brother Hugh Rodham allegedly took $400,000 in exchange for two pardons. This is the most embarrassing incident the Clintons have had. Of course, this is great news for Roger Clinton. Now, he is no longer the most embarrassing Presidential relative. ... Hillary asked him to return the money. He said he couldn't because he spent the whole 400 grand at the Krispy Kreme doughnut store. ... That is one thing about the Bush family: Jeb didn't take any money for fixing the Florida election. He did it for free
Posted by Grinning_Dragon on Dec. 15 2007,2:29 pm
HOOAH!!!!!GOOD ANSWER MARINE!!!
A great answer to a dumb question!!!!
while interviewing a Marine sniper
'What do you feel when you shoot a Terrorist?'
The Marine shrugged and replied,
'A slight recoil.'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 18 2007,6:02 pm
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 18 2007,6:20 pm
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'
....and she's always sound asleep.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 18 2007,6:26 pm
A catholic, a baptist and a mormon were bragging about the size of their families.The catholic says, "I have four boys already. One more and I'll have a basketball team".
"That's nothing" says the baptist. " I have 10 boys now and my wife is pregnant with another. One more and I'll have a football team."
"Oh yeah" says the mormon. I have you both beat. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 20 2007,10:19 pm
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 20 2007,10:26 pm
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever. Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 21 2007,4:48 pm
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained , "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 27 2007,2:21 pm
Father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "Is that a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, He replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then, raised her foot and stomped them flat and said,
"Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain crap in our garden."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 27 2007,2:24 pm
Sperm Test An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 27 2007,2:28 pm
Turkey Recipe Here is a recipe I thought you would like for the holidays!
Ingredients:
1 whole chicken or turkey
1 large lemon, cut into halves
sprig of rosemary
salt and pepper to taste
butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer
Heat oven to 350 degrees.
Rub butter or oil over the skin of the chicken/turkey until it is completely coated.
Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer.
O.K. Now this is the important part:
Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat; Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breasts.
Place sprig of rosemary into the chicken/turkey.
Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes.
If you've followed these steps correctly, your chicken/turkey should look like the one in the picture.
Bon Appetit!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 31 2007,7:59 pm
TOILET TRICK1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 03 2008,6:12 pm
Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn. 1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 03 2008,9:47 pm
Men need to be more alert Be cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.
There is a drug available in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them.
The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere!
It goes by the street name `Beer.`
All girls have to do is buy a `Beer` or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 04 2008,4:34 pm
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than ever.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 08 2008,4:10 pm
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a hateful person
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 09 2008,11:40 am
Hello?" "Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared,jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 09 2008,11:54 am
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
Posted by usmcr on Jan. 09 2008,3:36 pm
one for the hunters:a young farm couple got married & just couldn't get enough loving. in the morning, before homer left for the fields, they made love. when homer came back from the fields, they made love. after supper they made love. and again at bedtime they made love.
but, there was a problem. it took homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields, and he just wasn't getting enough work done. finally he asked the doctor in town what to do.
homer, said the doctor, just take your rifle out to the field with you. then, when you are in the mood fire a shot in the air. that will be darlene's signal to come out to you. that way you will not lose any time in the field.
they took the doc's advice and it worked well for awhile, until on day when homer went back to the doctor's office.
whats wrong, asked the doc. didn't my idea work? oh, it worked good said homer. whenever i was in the mood, i fired off a shot & darlene came running. we'd find a secluded spot, make love, & then she'd go back home again.
sounds good, homer. so what is the problem? asked the doc.
i might have trained her to good! i haven't seen her since hunting season started!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 10 2008,11:23 am
A man walked in to a bar in Ireland an ordered a pint. After a few minuts he was conscious of the eyes of a group of ten men fixed on him. The apparent leader of the group sat next to the man and said "Me an' the boys were wonderin' if ye were a Catholic or a Protestant?" Not knowing which reply would save his life and which might end it, he replied "Ummmm, neither one. I'm agnostic." The leader scratched his chin and said "I see. An' would it be the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants whose existance yer doubtin.......?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 10 2008,1:59 pm
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 12 2008,2:06 pm
We are in trouble... The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your ass,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 12 2008,2:12 pm
What happens if you play rap music backwards?You don't get busted for crack
Your sister didn't get shot.
You didn't have to reload you gun.
You ain't spendin' the night in jail!
and last but not least your cadillac ain't broke.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 14 2008,1:45 pm
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea.
He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this. They 've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does."
"Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?' "
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that sum-bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 14 2008,1:51 pm
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt
like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's
occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her
first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She answered,proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer asked her, quite astonished why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 14 2008,2:13 pm
A computer was something on TV From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch Floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 14 2008,2:32 pm
I got 2/3 the way through
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 24 2008,4:50 pm
2008 VOTING INSTRUCTIONS GUIDE John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. (Pollster)
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully...the warning bells are not always audible!
Posted by Amarilloslim on Jan. 26 2008,5:08 pm
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Posted by Spidey on Jan. 26 2008,5:21 pm
Isn't he a charmer
Posted by Spidey on Jan. 26 2008,5:23 pm
Posted by ICU812 on Jan. 28 2008,10:26 am
Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said,'Bill, I have a great idea! I know how we can win back middle
America and secure my presidential victory in 2008'.
'Great, but how do you propose we go about that, asked Bill?
Well, Hillary responds, We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheezy clothes and shoes, like most middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador .
When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in middle
America , like Willie's in Hampton , Iowa .. and we'll show them that we really enjoy the Countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there'.
A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for.
With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the Bartender takes a step back and say's, ' aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton ?' Hillary answers, 'yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color.'
They then order a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walked up to the Labrador , lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walks out the door.
A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and then left the bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over. 'Tell me' said Hillary, 'why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?'
'Good Lord no,' said the bartender. 'Its just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two assholes
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 28 2008,3:25 pm
< http://funfunnyvideos.blogspot.com/2008/01/tim-fisherman-tayler.html >
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 31 2008,10:38 am
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the cook over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the politicians?'
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of Sh!t, it takes all morning."
Posted by Amarilloslim on Jan. 31 2008,3:37 pm
Election 2008 While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by
a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at
the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to
greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had
while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly
game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also
present is the devil, who really is a very friend ly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven
where St Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in
heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects f or a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed
in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more
trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm
around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning......
Today you voted."
Posted by grassman on Feb. 01 2008,9:08 am
Make The Pie Higher!Various quotes by our George W.
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of manmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of
opportunity.
I know that the human being
And the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
I am the Decider!
Help cure Mad Cowboy disease in the next election.
Posted by ICU812 on Feb. 01 2008,9:13 am
---
Posted by Spidey on Feb. 01 2008,11:43 am
Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place. When they arrived at her house, they went right for the bedroom.Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase.
After they had sex, Randy turned to her and said, "So ... how was I?" "Well," Gwen said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 01 2008,1:03 pm
Pharses that will never quite sound the same after "Broke Back Mountain"10. "I'm Gonna Pump You Full Of Lead"
9. "Give Me A Stiff One Bar Keep"
8. "Don't Fret I 've Been In Tight Spots Before"
7. "Howdy Pardner"
6. "You Stay Here I'll Sneak Up From Around Behind"
5. "Saddle Sore"
4. "Hold It Right There, Move Your Hand Real Slow"
3. "Let's Mount Up"
2. "Nice Spread You Got There"
And The Number One thing that just won't sound right any more.
EEEEHAWWWWW
Ride 'EM Cowboy
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 01 2008,1:46 pm
Things That Are Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk: 1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You’re Drunk:
1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 01 2008,3:41 pm
Bet this would be a better box office draw
Posted by usmcr on Feb. 07 2008,9:24 pm
Bear in a Bara bear walks into a bar, sits down & orders a beer. the bartender, amazed that this bear can actually talk, gives him a beer.
the bear says, what do i owe you?
the bartender stops & thinks for a moment. even though this bear is smart, thinks the bartender, he probably hasn't been into to many bars. so the bartender says, that'll be ten dollars. the bear forks over the money & starts drinking his beer.
after a few minutes the bartender can't restrain his curiosity, so he walks back over to the bear & tries to strike up a conversation. you know, we don't get to many bears in this bar.
the bear looks up from his beer & says well, at ten bucks a beer, i'm not surprised!
Posted by usmcr on Feb. 07 2008,9:35 pm
Christian Hikinga Christan was hiking in the woods one day when he came upon a angry bear. the bear stood up on its hind legs & growled ferociously, clearly preparing to charge.
in a panic, the christian started to run, but the bear followed close on his heels.
finally the hiker came to a cliff. so he dropped to his knees & asked god to please make this bear a good Christan bear.
to the hikers amazement, the bear suddenly stopped growling, fell to his knees & folded his paws together in prayer.
thank you lord, exclaimed the christian!
thank you, lord exclaimed the bear, for this meal i'm about to receive!
Posted by usmcr on Feb. 07 2008,9:42 pm
help is on the way!two hunters from new jersy are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. he does not seem to be breathing. his buddy whips out his cell phone & dials 911. he gasps out to the operator my friend just collapsed. i think he is dead. what can i do?
the operator, in a slow, soothing voice, says, first, just try to relax & calm down so i can help you. second, let's make sure he really is dead.
a moment later the operator hears a shot, then the guy gets back on the phone & says, OK, now what?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 08 2008,4:53 pm
After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let
him know he was still in the game.
Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded
message:
370HSSV-0773H
Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides
had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at
the
FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps
Intelligence for help.
Within a few seconds the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy
he's holding the message upside down."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 08 2008,6:29 pm
The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were. Scientists say the higher your I.Q., the more you dream.
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg.
The Smallest is the male sperm.
You use 200 muscles to take one step.
The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three .
A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.
A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.
The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.
When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
Your thumb is the same length as your nose.
And now I bet that if you read this you put your thumb to you nose - just to check
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 08 2008,6:36 pm
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things, your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions, things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house, and mow the lawn. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 08 2008,6:41 pm
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and
spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday
night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two
hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like
it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would
be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and
went with the same results. But , the swelling went down just
enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 18 2008,1:50 pm
The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. You'll want to be the first at your corporation to make a contribution to this great man's legacy. The Library will include:
The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you can't remember anything.
The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't have to even show up.
The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room (which no one has been able to find).
The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.
The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.
Plans also include: The K-Street Project Gift Shop - where you can buy (or just steal) an election.
The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
Last, but not least, there will be an entire floor devoted to a 7/8 scale model of the President's ego.
To highlight the President's accomplishments, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.
When asked, President Bush said that he didn't care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father's.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 18 2008,2:08 pm
The Why's of Men 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Posted by Amarilloslim on Feb. 18 2008,5:12 pm
> God's Problem Now>
> When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst
> of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more
> rumbling thunder.
>
> The little old man looked at the pastor
> and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 22 2008,11:23 am
Chelsea Clinton recently discussed current events with a U.S. soldier. She asked if, as an American fighting man, anything scared him .
He told her there were only three things he feared:
1) Osama
2) Obama
AND
3) Yo Mama
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 22 2008,2:05 pm
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new doctors but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 22 2008,3:17 pm
I wasn't a big Fan of Nascar until I found out it's acronym Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around REDNECKS
Posted by grassman on Feb. 23 2008,9:20 am
Posted by grassman on Feb. 23 2008,9:21 am
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 23 2008,2:43 pm
It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever had to having a black man as President.
1 - He played the sax.
2 - He smoked weed.
3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 23 2008,2:45 pm
Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State ... She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.
She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed
"YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of "crap" it can no longer fly
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 23 2008,2:48 pm
A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Montana ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Montana Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said,
"Son, I don ' t think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain ' t screwin ' our sheep - they ' re eatin ' ' em
Posted by grassman on Feb. 23 2008,3:55 pm
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 25 2008,1:55 pm
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Posted by Amarilloslim on Feb. 25 2008,5:57 pm
Was going to put this in other forum on sex and the deer, but that forum is getting brutal and I like humor.A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus
clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and,
realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman,
cautiously, and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 26 2008,10:50 am
Why are married men heavier than single men? Single men come home, see what's in the fridge and then go to bed. Married men come home, see what's in bed and then go to the fridge.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 26 2008,4:55 pm
How To Tell If You're From CaliforniaSo as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this. You know you're from California if....
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember. . Is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?
14. Its barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal?
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they give you one.
Posted by grassman on Feb. 27 2008,7:48 am
10 signs you might be a Taliban 10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look big?"
3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. A common compliment is, "I love what you've done with your cave."
And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:
1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
Posted by bianca on Feb. 27 2008,8:40 am
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians wh o had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having su c h a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
&NB sp; ;
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, pic king up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted.'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 27 2008,11:31 am
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family followed an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense
of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was
a hand painted sign:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step on exhaust."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 27 2008,1:06 pm
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 27 2008,4:23 pm
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one, a real SWEET one, whom they called "YAM." They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. She said not to worry, no McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her! But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. And of course she would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be like her Shoestring cousins.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and even the greasy guys from France. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped. She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town, Frito Lay.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to "Idaho P.U." that's Potato University - where Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips.
But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Walter Cronkite. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just a .. COMMON TATER!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 28 2008,5:39 pm
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way
(Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 28 2008,5:41 pm
A couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by
running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran
his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his
hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her
waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and
then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh,
stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this
time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better
position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed !
' Why are you stopping ?' she whispered.
He whispered back .. ... ' I found the remote'.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 29 2008,11:09 am
BIRTHDAY REMEMBRANCE This week we celebrate a special birthday.
Monica Lewinsky turned 31.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees,
and putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?
Posted by usmcr on Mar. 10 2008,1:25 pm
Hitting Bottomas two rednecks were out hunting, they came upon a huge hole in the ground & were amazed by the size of it. the first hunter says "wow, thats some hole, i can't even see the bottom. i wonder how deep it is?" the second hunter says, "i don't know, let's throw something down there & listen to see how long it takes to hit bottom.
the first hunter say's," there's this old trasmission over here let's throw it in & see." so they pick it up & carry it over, & count one, two, three, & throw it in the hole. while standing there & listening they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. as they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole , & with no hesitation jump in head first.
looking into the hole, & trying to figure out what happened , an old farmer walked up . "say there," says the farmer, "you fellaers didn"t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
the first hunter says, "funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago & a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunderd miles an hour & jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
and the old farmer said, " why that is impossible/ i had him chained to a transmisson!"
Posted by usmcr on Mar. 10 2008,1:35 pm
i think you are the father of one of my kidsa guy goes to the supermarket & notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him, & says hello to her. he's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he might know her from.
so he asks, "do you know me?" to which she replies, " i think you're the father of one of my kids."
now his mind travels back in the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife & says, " my gosh, are you the stripper from my bachleor party that i had on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
she looked into his eyes & calmly says, " no, i'm your sons math teacher."
Posted by usmcr on Mar. 10 2008,1:45 pm
the language lessona teacher asked her class to make a sentence using the word "fascinate".
molly raised her hand & said, "my family went to granddad's farm, & we all saw his pet sheep. it was fascinating."
the teacher said, " that was good, but i wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."
sally raised her hand. she said, "my family went to see rock city & i was fascinated." the teacher said, " well that was better, but i still want you to use the word fascinate."
little johnny raised his hand. the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by him before. she finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate, so she called upon him.
little johnny said, " my aunt gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her chest is so big she can only fasten eight!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 12 2008,4:01 pm
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 35 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
.New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place
New Rule: Driving a car, any kind of car – even nascar - is NOT a sport. A sport is something in which the participants have athletic ability. Driving in circle with your foot to the floor does not qualify the participant as an athlete - therefore, NO SPORT FOR YOU!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 13 2008,10:29 am
A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please."
Intrigued, the man said, "OK."
The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.
The man was most impressed.
The next day he returned, but thought he would try a different tack.
The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball Scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time.
So the next day he returned.
Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out, "Uh.....'bout 50."
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 13 2008,12:37 pm
had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line.
Just one lady in front of me . . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too".
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 17 2008,2:23 pm
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I
will
give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long
time
to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the
other
ten?' So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people,
do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life
span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a
pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And
God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the
field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and
give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life
span
of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me
to
live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other
forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry
and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said:
'Only
twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow
gave
back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that
makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark
at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 21 2008,5:50 pm
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to; Drink Heavily and Recycle.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 21 2008,10:53 pm
< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RW8OyGvuyl4 >Good Video
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 28 2008,11:47 am
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your arse good-bye!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 29 2008,11:43 am
My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs... We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......You could learn a lot from him.' We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day... You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
Honestly--------My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 31 2008,2:55 pm
If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to. 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you
? " 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 02 2008,5:54 pm
How do we know Obama isn't really black? Because he sucks at bowling:
Think about it: He had a chance to take a black ball and hit a bunch of white rednecks.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 03 2008,10:34 am
< Hillary challeges Obama to a bowl off >
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 03 2008,2:16 pm
< The Clinton Library >
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 04 2008,12:33 pm
Headlines From The Year: 2029 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq,Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 04 2008,1:32 pm
How to Use the Government Rebate As you may have heard, the Bush Administration announced recently that almost every one of us taxpayers will get a nice rebate check soon from the U.S. Government: $300 to $600 for individuals, and another $200 for each dependent child.
The declared purpose of this rebate is to stimulate the American economy when we all go out and spend it. However, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline, it will all go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will all go to India, and if we purchase HD TV's, stereos, or other electronic crap, the money will all go to Taiwan. If we purchase a good car, it will all go to Japan or Korea or Germany. Shoe and clothing purchases will go to China, Indonesia , or Viet Nam.
Even if we buy food, the fruit and vegetables proceeds will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala, and beef proceeds will go to Argentina -- and of course, none of it will help the American economy!
We need to keep that money here in America! So the only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and liquor, since these are, apparently, the only businesses still left in the US.
Go USA.
I guess Elliot Spitzer was just a little ahead of his rebate.
Posted by AnEngrsWife on Apr. 06 2008,11:39 am
A woman walked into the kitchen to find herhusband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."
Posted by grassman on Apr. 08 2008,1:11 pm
Subject: Love Story>
>
> A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....
> He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
>
> At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
> saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
>
> "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
>
> "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
>
> "Good," she replied. "Get your own f**king blanket."
>
>
> After a moment of silence, he farted.
>
>
> --
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted by grassman on Apr. 08 2008,1:13 pm
Two hunters are out deer hunting in Southern Illinois, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.? They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. Larry, the first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"Dave, the second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind em. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission
Posted by Common Citizen on Apr. 09 2008,4:24 pm
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on t he empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied,
'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.
'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'
The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f _ ckin' sheet rock.'
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 16 2008,9:18 am
Recently I received a warning about this politically incorrect term, so please note: We all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact a small folded sheet. Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads." Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 16 2008,9:23 am
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off ! You 're going to break something." He stops and eventually and Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. <br Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery, gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 16 2008,9:27 am
New 5 Dollar Bill
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 16 2008,9:44 am
51 years ago a North Carolina mountain man named Herman James was drafted into the Army. On his first day of basic training the army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the army barber sheared all Hermans hair off.
On the second day the army issued him a toothbrush.
That afternoon the army dentist yanked 6 of Hermans teeth out.
On the third day the army issued him a jock strap.
The army has been looking for Herman for 51 years
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 16 2008,9:47 am
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
Posted by White Pride on Apr. 17 2008,2:48 am
Four women were driving across the country.Each one was from a different place: Idaho , Nebraska , Minnesota , and Mexico
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
'What the heck are you doing?'demanded the Nebraskan.
'We have so many of these darn things in Idaho , I am just sick of looking at them!'
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.
'What are you doing that for?' asked the gal from Minnesota .
'We have so many of these things in Nebraska , I am just sick of looking at them!'
Inspired, the gal from Minnesota opened the car door and pushed the Mexican out.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 18 2008,11:07 am
MEMORIES: Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a Race of innocents, and they were you and me,
For Ike was in the White House in that Land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.
We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.
We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.
We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me Me.
Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.
And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me Me.
We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.
We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me Me.
Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.
We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk, yet, in the Land That Made Me Me.
We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.
For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made me Me.
We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson, and Zeppelins were not Led.
And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkeys lived in trees,
Madonna was a virgin in the Land That Made Me Me.
We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 18 2008,11:32 am
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
So what's the speed of dark?
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 18 2008,4:16 pm
One evening, some animals were out partying in a bar. The bartender came over to their table at the end of the night to collect their bar tab.
The skunk says, "Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent."
The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."
The cow says, "You'll have to ask one of the udders."
The deer says, "I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon."
The giraffe says, "Well, I guess the high balls are on me."
Posted by ICU812 on Apr. 22 2008,9:55 am
My new fovorite email.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 22 2008,1:06 pm
A Licensed Counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
Posted by usmcr on Apr. 22 2008,7:29 pm
Menu of the day:for several years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. one night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a huge sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the baby. if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18. she agreed, but asked him how he would know when the birth occurred. to keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write on the back " Spaghetti ". he would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
one day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "honey" she said "you have received a very strange post card today."
"oh, just give it to me & i will explain it later to you," he said. the wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white & fainted. on the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
two with meatballs, one without.
Send extra sauce."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 23 2008,9:58 am
Schwarzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The POPE has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns' was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
what is it?
A last name....... Were you thinking of something else?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 23 2008,5:01 pm
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, “Boy, go git yo Ma…”
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 24 2008,6:08 pm
A public school teacher was arrested this morning at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isos Celes used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 24 2008,6:30 pm
< http://www.planetcomedylink.com/index_files/ComedyShows.htm >
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 24 2008,9:11 pm
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother.
Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding):
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Superglue is forever- especially in hair.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in town has a 5-minute response time to my house.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful- as in:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...
'Holy Sh*t, a talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 24 2008,9:50 pm
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and all bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded....
All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it.
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put then on my knees.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
Posted by Amarilloslim on Apr. 26 2008,12:57 am
This ought to make all grandpas feel warm and cozy!A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said his grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog.
Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 26 2008,11:16 am
I cannot figure out why we are even bothering to hold an election. On one side, you have a b!tch who is a lawyer that is married to a lawyer, and on the other side, you have a lawyer who is married to a b!tch who is a lawyer.
On the third side, you have a true war hero, married to a woman with nice hooters, who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 26 2008,11:23 am
Beer troubleshooting SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and laughs.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
Posted by Common Citizen on Apr. 28 2008,11:45 am
An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down And drinking from his farm pond.The Amish farmer shouts:"Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have $hit in it.")
The kneeling man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English."
The Amish farmer yells: "Use two hands, you'll get more."
Posted by Common Citizen on Apr. 28 2008,12:32 pm
A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she's in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asked the child.
'Go ask your father I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag , soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said,
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the le ash and only go one time round the block..'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 29 2008,4:42 pm
G.W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse".
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "how about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 29 2008,5:02 pm
Mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The little boy admitted that she did.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 01 2008,5:06 pm
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 01 2008,5:07 pm
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?" Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 02 2008,10:45 am
Man buys a gross of condoms at the drug store on Friday. goes back in on Monday morning and informs the owner that there were only 143 condoms in the box. owner replied " sorry about that sir, I didn't mean to spoil your weekend".
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 07 2008,1:30 pm
This guy calls his wife at work and says, "Don't worry, I'm fine and the damage is minimal." She says, "Oh my gosh, what happened?"
He says, "I was coming back from lunch and a bird hit my car windshield."
"How much damage did it do?" she asked.
"Minimal, however I did get a ticket."
"A ticket how did you get that?"
"Well, I managed to reach the bird through the window and throw it behind me, however it hit the windshield of the car behind me. It was a highway patrol car and the officer gave me a ticket."
"What for?" she asked, "Damaging his windshield?"
"No, for flipping him the bird!"
Posted by Amarilloslim on May 08 2008,9:24 am
... CHANGE IS COMING .The buzzword of this election is "CHANGE." Candidates toss it around without
saying what they want to change to. Just that we need CHANGE!
This brings to mind the following illustration.
Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a major who
inspected his Marines and told the "Gunny" that they smelled bad. The major
suggested that they change their underwear.
The "Gunny" responded, "Aye, aye, sir. I'll see to it immediately."
He went into the tent and said, "The major thinks you guys smell bad, and he
wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy,
you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz ...."
"Change, now get on with it"
And the moral is:
A candidate may promise change in Washington ...but the stink remains!
Posted by TameThaTane on May 08 2008,9:51 am
Horse pucky. If you don't know what the "change"is, you haven't been paying attention. All 3 candidates have given specifics over and over again. However Obama represents the biggest change. His election would change the trajectory of this country and would be a watershed event. I'm a registered Republican BTW and now consider myself a Bill Maher Libertarian.
Posted by fredbear on May 08 2008,10:22 am
(TameThaTane @ May 08 2008,9:51 am)
QUOTE
Horse pucky. If you don't know what the "change"is, you haven't been paying attention. All 3 candidates have given specifics over and over again.
However Obama represents the biggest change. His election would change the trajectory of this country and would be a watershed event. I'm a registered Republican BTW and now consider myself a Bill Maher Libertarian.
However Obama represents the biggest change. His election would change the trajectory of this country and would be a watershed event. I'm a registered Republican BTW and now consider myself a Bill Maher Libertarian.
IT'S A FRICKIN JOKE - just like you.
I consider you a Bill Maher shat-for-brainsian
Posted by Amarilloslim on May 08 2008,12:49 pm
Extra Tickets AvailableWho wants to go with me? I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel event at Texas Speedway, center area, next weekend - if anybody wants them. He's going to attempt to jump 500 Bill Maher Libertarian's
with a bulldozer. It should be a very enjoyable show!
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 08 2008,2:40 pm
Hey Tane you got any pot ash I heard it was good for my garden 
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 14 2008,2:16 pm
My friend suggested to his wife that she use slim fast in the washer when washing her jeans to shape up her hips. The next day he took out his underwear and notice dust in the crotch and ask his wife about the dust she replied that is not dust that is miracle grow.
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 21 2008,12:44 pm
THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who
cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and
who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and
who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't
know each other.
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 21 2008,12:53 pm
A muslim woman knocked on my door last night,I never opened the door,i just talked through the letter box to see how she freaking likes it.
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 21 2008,1:04 pm
Being somewhat of a tech-guy, I was shocked that this actually works. To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the “W” below. Then drag the “W” towards “G”. If it doesn’t work, you may need to clean your mouse. WHAT A DUMBASS… YOU’LL BELIEVE ANYTHING
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 21 2008,1:29 pm
Rodents of Unusual Size
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 21 2008,2:54 pm
Relaxing antidotes to stress 1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
(This one is great to teach neices and nephews!)
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.
(Even better to call after doing it and say you didn't authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!)
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
(This one keeps cats and men occupied for awhile.)
4. When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
(Like going the store to stock up on ammunition maybe?)
5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
(And if she's cute, always ask if assistance is available.)
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
(Not recommended for anyone with a pet Gorilla.)
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to school as if nothing is wrong.
(You can get real creative here...especially if you put a dress on your son.)
8. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
(Trust me...they're in there! I found 70 in just the A's!)
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 23 2008,1:18 pm
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "Its not a gong. Its a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch", the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey, jerk! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 23 2008,2:30 pm
Isn't it the truth
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 23 2008,2:32 pm
Come on your smiling
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 23 2008,2:33 pm
This is one for the cat lovers
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 23 2008,2:57 pm
Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm And dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a Magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of Cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous Earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. Both Passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. It shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to Ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President, please accept my Regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George Bush, always trying to be presidential, replies,
"Your Majesty, Do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I Thought it was one of the horses."
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 27 2008,11:16 am
The city of Albert Lea, MN wants to impose jail sentences on homeowners who don't cut their lawns. Residents say this is unfair because watching grass grow is the most exciting thing to do in Albert Lea, MN
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 27 2008,4:58 pm
TOP 10 REASONS FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX.... 10. LASTS FROM DAWN TILL DUSK
9. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SECRET HOLE
8. ALLOWED SEVERAL FISH DAILY
7. CAN CHOOSE THE LENGTH OF YOUR ROD
6. CAN FISH ANY TIME OF THE MONTH
5. YOU CLEAN IT BEFORE YOU EAT IT
4. ABLE TO TAKE A NAP WHILE YOU FISH
3. THE COST OF BAIT IS CHEAPER THAN A DATE
2. YOU CAN ALWAYS THROW IT BACK
1. YOUR FAVORITE CATCH CAN BE MOUNTED ON THE WALL
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 27 2008,5:02 pm
In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the 'Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this... "Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Posted by grassman on May 27 2008,6:28 pm
I KNEW IT!
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 28 2008,11:48 am
Two Indians and an Arkansas Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian Replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us." Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front o f the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.... NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 05 2008,1:49 pm
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on… If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who’s on First?” might have turned out something like this: Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott
Abbott: Super Duper Computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, the name’s Lou.
Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name’s Lou.
Abbott: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
Abbott: Wallpaper.
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Abbott: Software for Windows?
Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommend something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!
Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.
Costello: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in office for windows?
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.
Costello: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: That’s right. What do you have?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: It comes bundled with your computer.
Costello: What’s bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: Money comes with my computer?
Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
Abbott: One copy.
Costello: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
Costello: They gave you a license to copy money?
Abbott: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
Abbott: Super Duper Computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: How do I turn my computer off?
Abbott: Click on “Start”
Posted by grassman on Jun. 06 2008,6:32 pm
NEVER MIND. IT DIDN'T POST. 
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 09 2008,12:25 pm
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 14 2008,12:12 am
The Drinkers DietMONDAY:
BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the maalox
DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.
TUESDAY:
BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw
LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
DINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.
WEDNESDAY:
BREAKFAST - Jaws couldn't eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho's
LUNCH - Rolaids and a coke
DINNER - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps
THURSDAY:
BREAKFAST - Order out for pizza
LUNCH - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.
DINNER - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.
FRIDAY:
BREAKFAST - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.
LUNCH - Skip lunch, Fridays are murder
DINNER - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
SATURDAY:
BREAKFAST - Sleep through it.
LUNCH - Ditto
DINNER - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
SUNDAY:
BREAKFAST - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
LUNCH - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
DINNER - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 16 2008,4:09 pm
CITY OF EAST LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
Name:
Jamaal has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 a gram. What is the street value of the remaining cocaine that he doesn't cut?
Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 a day crack habit?
Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need to reach his goal?
Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?
Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He received $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 a month, how much money will be left when he gets out of jail, and how many years will he get for killing the beotch that spent all his money?
If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the average letter is 0.8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
Hector knocked up 6 girls in his friendly neighborhood gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
What percentage of girls in the gang *hasn't* Hector knocked up?
BONUS QUESTION: Based on the information provided above, how many more girls can Hector knock up in his gang if he has sex 8 times a day with 3 different girls a week for 6 months using the highly reliable "rhythm method" of birth control?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 18 2008,1:16 pm
A research scientist dropped a piece of buttered toast on the floor and was amazed to see that it landed butter-side up, thereby disproving the long-held theory that toast always lands butter-side down. Thinking that he might have made an important breakthrough that could lead to the rewriting of science textbooks, he took the slice of toast to a colleague for his observations. "How could it be that when I dropped this slice of toast, it landed butter-side up when all previous knowledge suggests that the opposite should have occurred?"
"It's easy," said the colleague. "You must have buttered the wrong side."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 18 2008,1:19 pm
Two men are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a highway patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and ‘Whack!’ the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, “What the hell was that for?”
The cop answers, “You’re in Alabama, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.”
The driver says, “I’m sorry, Officer, I’m not from around here.” The cop runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and, ‘Whack!’ the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, “What’d you do that for?”
The cop says, “Just making your wish come true.”
The passenger asks, “Making what wish come true?”
The cop says, “Two miles down the road you’re gonna say to your buddy, ‘I wish that arsehole would’ve tried that sh!t with me!’”
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 18 2008,1:21 pm
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door a
truck came roaring past and completely tore off the driver's door of the
Lexus. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.
When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body
shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are", he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looked down to his left side and let
out a terrible scream: "Oh my God!!! ... MY ROLEX!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 18 2008,1:25 pm
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”. The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 18 2008,1:44 pm
THE HISTORICAL ORIGIN OF "THE FINGER" This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and
enjoyment.
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over
the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English
soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned
English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of
drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of
the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving
their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck
yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic
gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother
pheasant pluckier", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the
arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has
gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative 'F', and thus the words often used
in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have
something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic
gesture is known as "giving the bird."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 18 2008,4:29 pm
Bumper Stickers <Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Support Cannibalism — EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 18 2008,4:32 pm
Did you hear that NASA discovered skeletal remains on the moon? The cow didn't make it.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 18 2008,4:34 pm
Future Quotes from Grandparents "Hell, I remember when we only had 500 channels of mind-numbing crap to watch!"
"You call that *dancing*? Shoot! Tell your grandma to bring that ´Macarena´ CD over here and I´ll show you some REAL dancing."
"When I was your age, we didn´t have surgically implanted telepathy microchips! When we wanted to talk to our friends, we had to use a CELL PHONE!"
"Senility, my ass! I´m telling you President Hasselhoff used to have a talking car!"
"When I was your age, we didn´t admire the grace and beauty of a tuna swimming in some aquarium tank! No, sirree. We *ate* the bastards - right out of the can!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 19 2008,10:36 am
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair,drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, 'You should be hung!' I took a drink from my bottle of Micholob Lite, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy neighbor and then calmly replied, 'I am. That's why she cuts the grass.'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 19 2008,12:13 pm
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC! and those arssholes deducted $95.00 in taxes
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 19 2008,2:46 pm
Seven year olds and beer 7 year old Tim- ' I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
7 year old Mellanie - ' Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.
7 year old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
7 year old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
7 year old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
7 year old Lilly - ' My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
7 year old Ethan - ' I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting.'
-7 year old Shirley - ' I give Dad's beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep.'
7 year old Jack - ' My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks too much beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 19 2008,2:52 pm
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy ( a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the lone star state...., 1. She wanted to taste some real Texas bar-b que 2.She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo and..3. she wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.' Let me tell you , they have this wood down there called mesquite, and when they slow cook that brisket over that mesquite, it's oooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!' 'AND I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes.., those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is incredible!' Then they asked, ' well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?'
' ARE YOU KIDDING? when I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 19 2008,3:13 pm
Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Carl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To GET my teeth," he replied
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 19 2008,3:22 pm
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your thighs."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks,” What’s so funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your thighs."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 20 2008,1:50 pm
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?" "Hold them up and imagine them on me," she said. "If you smile, put them back."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 20 2008,6:00 pm
Someone asked President George W Bush what he thought about Roe vs Wade. His response: "Them Iowans should decide for themselves the best way to evacuate the flooded areas."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 20 2008,6:03 pm
I never judge a book by its cover. Nobody is perfect. If we cant laugh at each others imperfections then the human race has failed as a whole. We all bleed the same color. The sad part is that only white people can be racist. African Americans, Hispanics, Asians, or any others are never told that they are racist because they are a minority. As long as people get mad about stupid comments that may generalize their race then nobody will ever get along. I don't care what people may say about me or this post but as soon as we can all laugh together then we can all live together. Its a sad world out there today, and I wish that I could do something about it, but I know things will never change. If this post changes one persons outlook on people and life then I"m more than happy with what I accomplished. You can call me a racist or whatever you want, I don't care. I know where I come from. And that's from the heart.With that being said:
Obama says he may not be able to fix the American economy, but he thinks he can nigger-rig it
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 20 2008,6:09 pm
Posted by grassman on Jun. 22 2008,2:29 am
Now what's up with that? You don't like the way he can dance forward and backward? That is considered dance racism. You are not very nice.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 23 2008,12:27 pm
No what I said about Obama was the racist part. You read too much into it.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 24 2008,5:48 pm
How Many Internet Group Members Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
Three to correct spelling/grammar errors.
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".
Another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.
Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."
Three to tell a funny story about their cat and light bulb.
AND
One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated and start it all over again!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 24 2008,5:53 pm
Are you a Democrat, Republican or-a-Redneck? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following situation and question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock 40 cal, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so d eserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.....
(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG! click ...
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?"
Son: "You got him Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"
Wife: "You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!"
Posted by bianca on Jun. 25 2008,7:15 am
Two ladies talking in heaven: 1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful
death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch
him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den
watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran
up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went
t hrough every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked ever ywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I
just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Posted by bianca on Jun. 25 2008,7:17 am
A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood power, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.
She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?'
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said......
'Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer.
You do whatever you want.'
Posted by bianca on Jun. 25 2008,7:20 am
Learning to Cuss> >
>
> A 6-year-old and 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
> >
> > 'You know what?' says the 6-year-old, 'I think it's about
time
> > we started cussing.'
> >
> > The 4-year-old
nods his head in approval.
> >
> > The 6-year-old continues,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast,
> > I'm gonna say something with
'hell' and you say something with ass.'
> >
> > The
4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
> >
> > When their mother
walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old
> > what he wants for
breakfast, he replies,
> > 'Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios.'
> >
> > Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles
across the kitchen
> > floor, jumps up, and runs upstairs crying his
eyes out with his mother
> > in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with
every step. She locks him in his
> > room and shouts, 'You can stay in
there until I let you out.'
> >
> > She then comes back
downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and
> > asks with a stern voice,
'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
> > man?'
> >
> > 'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass
it
> > won't be Cheerios.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 25 2008,4:23 pm
This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing is wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual, though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But, if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
Posted by White Pride on Jun. 25 2008,7:50 pm
(GEOKARJO @ Jun. 25 2008,4:23 pm)
QUOTE
This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing is wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual, though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But, if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
The letter "E", the most common letter in the English language, is not used once in it's entirety!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 26 2008,1:44 pm
After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on the American Male's recreational preferences: 1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 26 2008,2:16 pm
OxymoronsAct naturally
Happily married
Microsoft Works
Holy war
Found missing
Resident alien
Minor Catastrophe
Affordable housing
Near miss
Great depression
Canadian army
Phone sex
United nations
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Death benefits
Airline Food
Women's rights
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Sensitive man
Government organization
Everything except
Civil War
Good kid
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then"
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggressive
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
New and improved
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Freezer Burn
Honest Politician
Jumbo Shrimp
Loners Club
Postal Service
Posted by White Pride on Jun. 27 2008,5:52 am
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ' That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!
''That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 30 2008,2:22 pm
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... 'You know how I work. You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this', said the cowboy. 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'
She smiled and said, 'W hat do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
He said, 'OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
The genie said, 'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
The genie said, 'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'***POOF*** He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 05 2008,11:04 am
Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping. One said, "I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way".
So they made a bet of 10 bucks on whose wife would do it on the lease amount of liqour.
After a week they met in a bar.
"Well", said the first guy "How much liquor did it take".
"A pint of whiskey", replied the other guy.
The first guy said "You win, It took me a whole bottle just to get her out in the yard."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 05 2008,11:46 am
8 children and now up to 12 grandchildren here is a list of terms that have taken on new meanings other than what I had originally learned in school.AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.
DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words
WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 05 2008,11:53 am
This is a true story........I went in to work Thursday night and the day bartender told me that a customer who we hadn't seen in 10 years came in to pay her tab. The female customer ask about me, and wanted to know what time I was coming in to work that she needed to talk to me. So the customer paid half her tab and said she would be back to pay the rest when I was on duty.
I looked at the daytime bartender and raised my eyebrow and ask.....
Was this woman accompanied by ten year old child?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 05 2008,2:11 pm
Ahkmed the Arab went to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only there a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 09 2008,12:19 pm
While driving down the interstate today I saw a billboard that said: 'Need help, call Jesus.' 1-800-005-3787
...Out of curiosity, I called.
And a Mexican showed up with a tow truck.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 09 2008,3:57 pm
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) -
bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of
poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila,
rum, Whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a
purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, .........Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of ****.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable
information: I'm doing it as a public service.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 09 2008,4:00 pm
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and theother time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 09 2008,4:04 pm
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, " Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year (a pretty small salary) and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 11 2008,12:51 pm
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be
when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 11 2008,1:06 pm
Why men don't write advice columns Dear Andy Flanders,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Victim of Lust
Dear Victim of Lust,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Andy Flanders
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 11 2008,1:24 pm
Ever notice? If you want to see something funny.. go sit across from a gas station, or in a gas station.. and watch as people fill up their tanks.
When they are finished pumping the gas, every man subconciously either shakes the nozzle or taps the nozzle a time or two to make sure no drops of gas drip down the side of the car. Women don't think to do this. Most commonly, if they have a paper towel or a rag, they'll cup it under the tip of the nozzle as they pull it out.
If you think about it, you'll understand why this is.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 11 2008,1:32 pm
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from a evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder . She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of it's valuables and yelled ... STOP ! Acts 2:38
repent and be baptized , in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sin may be forgiven .
the burglar stopped in his tracks . The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done .
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in , He was curious and asked the burglar , Why did you just stand there ? All the old lady did was yell scripture to you .
Scripture ? replied the burglar . She said she had an Ax and two 38's .
And remember ... Knowing the scripture can save your life in more way's than one
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 12 2008,1:42 pm
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel,I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 14 2008,1:40 pm
Ron and Janet had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days an attractive young woman applies for the room. She explains that she is a model working in a nearby studio and needs the room for a few weeks. Janet shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There’s just one problem," explains the model. "Because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don’t have a bath."
"That’s not a problem," replies Janet, "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband?" asks the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he’ll be out in the evenings," replies Janet.
"Good," says the model, "that’s settled. I’ll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening Ron dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Janet prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model steps into the bath and Janet is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair.
The model notices Janet’s staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave herself especially when modeling swim wear or underclothes.
Later when Ron returns, Janet relates this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It’s true, I tell you," says Janet. "Look, if you don’t believe me, tomorrow night I’ll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night Ron leaves as usual and Janet prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath, Janet, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model’s hairless crotch. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy thatch.
Later that evening, Ron returns and they retire to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asks Ron.
"Yes," he replies. "I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. But, why did you lift up your skirt and show yours too?
"Just to show you the difference," answers Janet, "but anyway you’ve seen me with no knickers on thousands of times."
"Yes," says Ron, "I have ... but the rest of the dart team hasn’t!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 15 2008,12:59 pm
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 15 2008,2:00 pm
< Monkeys have better memory than humans >
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 16 2008,2:13 pm
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia ,formerly known as California .
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mex ifornia and Floruba.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every
High School in United States.
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or very, very scared.
I Love This Country!
It's The Government That Scares Me!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 16 2008,2:24 pm
Wisdom from Grandpa... Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, 'Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna 'work'.
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 17 2008,4:03 pm
Top Ten Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths 10) Ellen DeGeneres -- Suffocates in the closet
9) Susan Lucci -- Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy
8) Farah Fawcett -- Struck by a random thought
7) Frank Sinatra -- Killed by Stranglers in the Night
6) RuPaul -- Prostate cancer
5) O.J. Simpson -- Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide
4) Madonna -- Exposure
3) Unabomber -- Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
2) Al Gore -- Dutch Elm Disease
and the *Predicted* NUMBER ONE MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATH IS:
1) Bill Gates -- Falls out of a Window
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 17 2008,4:06 pm
My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you," she pointed out. "Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead," I said.
She look mystified. "How do you figure?"
"I married better," I replied.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 18 2008,10:23 am
Male Sensitivity Testþ Part 1 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a physical relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous lovin' on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had lovin' with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for.
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. GAY.
8. Foreplay is to lovin' as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you "prime the pump":
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results:
* If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.
* If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.
* If you answered "C" more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 18 2008,10:25 am
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he'son her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit overthere?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 18 2008,10:53 am
Cats 1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 18 2008,11:10 am
COMPUTER DEPENDENCY < Jichne > 07/18 08:48:18 This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.
Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down...
Look down, not scroll down, dummy!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 18 2008,11:14 am
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says.....
Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me
housing, food stamps, FREE medical care and free education!"
The passer-by says...."You are mistaken, I am Mexican"
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says.... "I no American, I Vietnamese" The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says..... Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" Puzzled he asks her...... "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady checks her watch and says...."Probably at work!"
Posted by Common Citizen on Jul. 18 2008,2:43 pm
QUOTE
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
...and on that note...time for a beer, I think...have a good weekend peeps!!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 18 2008,4:08 pm
A man staggered into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him,"What happened to you?
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole.......we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture......We went to look for them......and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end......I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough......there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's bacikside.......
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,"Hey, this looks like yours!'......I don't remember much after that ......"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 18 2008,4:13 pm
Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It ain't my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!" "Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!"
He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop.
As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on plumb helpless, as old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack!
"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 21 2008,12:03 pm
I just found this and put it here I hope it does not offend anyone. It is not my intent it just the irony of the situation this displays the mentality of our government.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 21 2008,12:10 pm
some people will believe anything I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.......Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't have because... I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital?
I said no....I'd been sitting in the street licking my ass when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 21 2008,12:24 pm
A professor at University of Arkansas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in Ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said goats."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 21 2008,12:39 pm
TEXAS Bar Sues Church In a small Texas town ( Mt. Vernon ), Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 21 2008,2:14 pm
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 21 2008,2:15 pm
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 22 2008,5:39 pm
A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “your
sense of humor”.
Posted by Grinning_Dragon on Jul. 23 2008,10:37 am
Just for old times sakeThe husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago the fence wasn't electric!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 23 2008,11:38 am
Sex is like mud boggin: you see the hole, you think bout it, you slowly ease into it and once you're in, its balls to the walls until your motor blows!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 23 2008,11:56 am
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious winner: 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around,submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer.... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti Michigan, at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 23 2008,12:00 pm
Two good ole' boys in a trailer park, were sittin around talking one afternoon over cold beers.
After a while, Goober says to Bubba, "If I was to sneak over to
your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was
off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make
us kin?"
Bubba crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,
and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally,
he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us
even."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 23 2008,2:48 pm
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's Pronounced 'quiche'."
Posted by Grinning_Dragon on Jul. 23 2008,10:55 pm
'Walking Eagle' Senator BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the
American Indian Nation June 27th in upstate New York. He spoke for almost an
hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native American's present
standard of living when HE becomes the President. He referred to his career
as a Senator, how he had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to
his desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of his
plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his
'red sisters and brothers'.
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a
plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud
Senator then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A CNN news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came
to select the name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle
is the name given to a bird so full of sh!it... it can no longer fly.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 24 2008,4:36 pm
During the National Spelling Bee recently in the nation’s capital, Islamic spectators became outraged upon discovering that the USA was embedded in the middle of Jerusalem, Israel’s holiest city. The revelation was made by Douglas Levin, an eighth grader at the Joseph Lieberman Day School in Rockville Center, MD. When young Levin was asked to spell the word Jerusalem, he replied, "J E R- USA - L E M." An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who realized, for the first time, a USA presence in the holy city. Muslim parents immediately protested the spelling contest, citing American bias toward Israel.
"It’s a clear violation of church and state," said Mohammed Ahlee, lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite.
Bee officials quickly denied any wrongdoing, asserting that the Muslims were merely disgruntled because Rajeed Raheed, a seventh grader from Al Kaydah Junior High, had been eliminated earlier for misspelling Afghanistan as Afghanustan.
"There is no ’A-N-U-S’ in the middle of Afghanistan," said one bee official, "unless you believe bin Laden is still hiding there."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 25 2008,1:34 pm
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 30 2008,1:31 pm
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 30 2008,1:34 pm
< For Sale United States Of America >
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 30 2008,1:43 pm
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American,
using Bill Gate's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by a Redneck
That, my friends, is Globalization
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 30 2008,2:13 pm
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 07 2008,4:40 pm
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks went down easy. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes,... the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table w/a single rose.
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'What happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table.?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT!.. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, And when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4. 20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS
Posted by The Boss on Aug. 10 2008,4:15 pm
Two 80 year old ladies were walking by a barber shop and one looked at the other and said " Do you smell hair burning ? " and the other one turned and said " Yes, do you think were walking to fast. "
Posted by The Boss on Aug. 10 2008,4:19 pm
Two gay guys were walking down the street and they passed a funeral home and the one guy looks at his friend and says " Do you want to stop in and suck down a couple cold ones? " 
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 14 2008,12:23 pm
One day I was teaching a group of student skydivers what to do if your parachute malfunctions. I had just gotten to the part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand. "If the main parachute malfunctions," he asked, "how long do we have to deploy the reserve?"
Looking the student straight in the face, I replied, "The rest of your life."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 14 2008,12:51 pm
There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first. The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer.
When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went.
Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation.
After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best fellatio he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed.
Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational fellatio on the lawyer.
This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, "Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to copulate?"
"We can’t," said the woman. "Why not?" came the reply.
"Because I’m a transvestite" replied the woman.
"YOU WITCH!" screamed the lawyer, "...I CAN’T BELIEVE that you’ve been playing off the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 14 2008,12:57 pm
The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 14 2008,1:00 pm
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with Grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 14 2008,1:07 pm
With all this talk about obesity I figured out a set of guidelines we could live by.If your legs ever cover part of your shoes
you might be obese!
If the back of your upper arms touch your waist line
you might be obese!
If your stomach touches the adjoining airplane seats
you might be obese!
If you have a hard time fitting through turnstiles
you might be obese!
If you need to walk slowly or the rhythmic shifts of your ass or stomach would veer you off course
you might be obese!
If it takes one whole cow to make your leather jacket
you might be obese!
If you have more chins then fingers
you might be obese!
If you need to lose 200+ pounds just to get into the obesity levels of the BMI
you might be obese!
If you can't walk and must waddle
you might be obese!
If you don't wear your seat belt because you can't
you might be obese!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 14 2008,1:21 pm
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
Posted by AnEngrsWife on Aug. 15 2008,8:04 pm
Ole Turns 21...All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk
across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat
out to the middle of the lake.
Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to
pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma, it's my
21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his
father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, 'Because, you dumb a**, your
father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were
born in July.'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 26 2008,10:59 am
You might be a Redneck if...1.You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10. Your grandmother has Ammo on her Christmas list.
11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
13. You have a used rag for a gas cap.
14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
16. You can spit without opening your mouth.
17 You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they say Cool Whip on the side.
19. The biggest city you've ever been is Wal-Mart.
20. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
21. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
22. You think a quarter horse is a ride in front of K-Mart.
23. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
24. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
26. You missed the 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 26 2008,11:03 am
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's off ice.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 26 2008,11:14 am
Ten Commandments A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 26 2008,11:19 am
traveling salesman stops at a hillbilly < Sheetstir > 08/25 21:17:21 farmhouse to sell some wares. While he's there a fierce storm comes up, and the farmer invites him to spend the night.
However, as there wasn't a spare bedroom. The salesman would have to sleep in the same room as the farmer's daughter, on the condition that if any hanky-panky went on and if the daughter got pregnant, the salesman would have to marry her.
The salesman eyes the daughter, who has the body of a goddess but the head of a fish, and figures out that he's being set up for a shotgun wedding. But he didn't want to brave the night's storm, so he agreed to the farmer's terms.
The next morning, the family is sitting around the breakfast table. The father asks the daughter, "Did he do it last night, girl?"
"Sure did, Pa."
"Excellent!" says the father. "If it's a boy, we'll call him Jed." "And if it's a girl," says the mother, "we'll call her Mae."
About that time the salesman came into the room holding a condom and grinning. "Well," he says, "if the little bastard gets out of this, we'll call him Houdini."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 26 2008,11:31 am
A recent Italian immigrant comes to New York and wants a job. However, the foreman at the job site won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman says. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred.
So, when I start?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 26 2008,11:34 am
THE INDIAN NAMED ONESTONE...... There once was an Indian who had only one testicle,
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I
will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her
all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name
until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made
love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all
the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why?
OH, come on... take a guess!
Think about it
(You're going to love this!)
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 02 2008,1:46 pm
A Small Fam owner was being investigated by the Iowa department of labor.The Iowa State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them" demanded the agent.
"Well" replied the farmer "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit" says the agent.
"That would be me...." replied the farmer
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 03 2008,6:40 pm
God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going, do you know what that E-mail said?
No?
I didn't get one either!!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 03 2008,6:42 pm
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand.
However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.
Posted by usmcr on Sep. 06 2008,7:51 pm
Ralph & Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. one day, while they were wallking past the hospitals swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. he sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. she swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.when the head nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged form the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
Telling Edna the news, she said, "i have good news and bad news. the good news is you're being discharged; since your were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, i have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. the bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his belt in the bathroom. i am so sorry, but he is dead."
Edna replied "he didn't hang himself, i put him there to dry. how soon can i go home?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 09 2008,11:18 am
Tips for RednecksIN GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the fillin' station bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 09 2008,11:28 am
< http://fliiby.com/file/67837/n5al0by585.html >Hilarious
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 09 2008,11:54 am
Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxe s
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 09 2008,12:52 pm
Polish airliner crashed in a small countryside cemetary death toll at 125 and expected to rise as rescue crews dig throughout the night.
Posted by Wareagle11B on Sep. 15 2008,5:54 pm
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska forsome sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile
when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat, and
a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically,
thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot
grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing
up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two
reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Democrat from the
bear's grasp. Then, using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the
bear and two of them threw it into the bed of their truck while the third
tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give
you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was
a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental
activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, 'Who was that
guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with heaven
and has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he sure
don't know anything about bear hunting! Is the bait holding up, or do we
need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 17 2008,4:00 pm
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Sh!t!!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 17 2008,4:14 pm
Tony May is a VN Vet, outdoorsman, animal lover, grandfather and survivor. He is also a member of the Writing Bridge, a prestigious gathering of talented writers and poets. He sometimes writes under the pseudonym "Norm" or "normonster". This name might appear at the bottom of many of his articles but all articles below are written by Tony. < http://www.normsnotes-normonster.blogspot.com/ >
QUOTE
Good 'Ol Earl
I saw a Porsche 911 downtown yesterday painted one of my favorite all time colors: primer grey. It wasn’t that light colored “bondo-ed and ready to paint” stuff. This was a “K-Mart 99 cents a can primer coat” familiar to anyone who lived through the sixties and seventies.
The first thing that struck me as odd was it being a Porsche. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen that. I think I’ve seen one like that on the way to be customized but I always figured it was against the law to paint a Porsche with spray cans. Some things just aren’t right.
I’ve owned three primer-grey vehicles, only one of which ever actually wound up with an actual paint job. One was a 55 Chevy Station wagon that I wound up trading for a 46’Ford coupe. It was hand painted by myself in the back parking lot of a Monte-Mart in Salinas, California. I didn’t want to waste any money so I started with about ten cans of paint. Once those were used up I’d go back into the store and buy them one at a time until it was finished. The rear gate was a little different shade than the others because they ran out of the brand I started with and I had to go up a notch to the more expensive stuff.
I bought it while on leave and needed to get back to my base, otherwise I would have had one of Earl Shibe’s $29.95 specials, a staple of the sixties culture. It looked pretty darn good unless you got up close. I had to keep a fresh can handy to cover up the gas spill spots that occurred at gas stations. Back then they didn’t have all this high tech crap that stopped gas from spilling all over.
I’m not sure everyone knows who Earl Shibe was but he probably painted more cars than anyone in history. He offered a low-budget job for $19.95 that could help sell a car real quick if you were in a hurry. They didn’t wash it first and if they forgot to tape up a window or two it was handled with a shrug and an “oh well”. For $29.95 they washed the car and used new tape, something not guaranteed at the cheaper price.
I miss having cars running around with bad paint jobs. You see them but they are rare. I bought a ‘54 Dodge Station Wagon once that was in desperate need of a paint job. I had a few friends over for a Sunday toke and joke fest and mentioned it needed painting. It also needed tires, upholstery, and a windshield wiper motor but those weren’t exactly necessities at that time in my life.
I wasn’t going to fork out a lot of money on it. The car cost me $35 so I wasn’t going to put $20 of spray paint into it. We looked around the garage of the house I rented and found a cabinet full of paint but it was a combination of house paint and other stuff along with a few odd cans of spray paint. As the afternoon wore on and our condition deteriorated, we decided to paint it with what we had. There were four of us and we all started at a corner and worked our way back, using brushes. During the ordeal we gained a crewmember who decided to add what he called “flair” that turned out to be a fairly well drawn cannabis plant that went around the entire vehicle and looked like it was sprouting out of the wheel wells.
When finished it was quite a sight. Each fender was a different color of house paint and there were two rather erotic looking breasts sticking up right above the front bumper. I think it sported five or six peace signs and a few other slogans of the times.
They refused to let me drive it onto the Air Force Base. It wouldn’t pass a safety check so I didn’t have it registered. I’d ask for a temporary pass for each visit and never got refused; until I tried to drive on with the new paint job. The security policeman at the gate used the US Baldy tires as an excuse to deny entry but the real reason was the artwork. They don’t like peace signs around huge bombers.
It also got peed on a lot. For some reason people thought it was some sort of creative endeavor to urinate on the thing. I rode my bike to work and kept it at home with hopes of repainting it. I was talking about it one day on the flight line when a Staff Seargent overheard and said he was looking for a cheap car. He wound up trading me a Muntz eight track tape player for it without even seeing it. I told him it was painted really weird but he didn't seem to mind.
When he picked it up at the house he almost went into shock. But, a “deals a deal” he said as he drove it off while I tried to pull out the jammed “Blind Faith” tape from the stereo.
He drove it to work the next Monday. It was painted with primer grey. A definite can job.
I saw a Porsche 911 downtown yesterday painted one of my favorite all time colors: primer grey. It wasn’t that light colored “bondo-ed and ready to paint” stuff. This was a “K-Mart 99 cents a can primer coat” familiar to anyone who lived through the sixties and seventies.
The first thing that struck me as odd was it being a Porsche. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen that. I think I’ve seen one like that on the way to be customized but I always figured it was against the law to paint a Porsche with spray cans. Some things just aren’t right.
I’ve owned three primer-grey vehicles, only one of which ever actually wound up with an actual paint job. One was a 55 Chevy Station wagon that I wound up trading for a 46’Ford coupe. It was hand painted by myself in the back parking lot of a Monte-Mart in Salinas, California. I didn’t want to waste any money so I started with about ten cans of paint. Once those were used up I’d go back into the store and buy them one at a time until it was finished. The rear gate was a little different shade than the others because they ran out of the brand I started with and I had to go up a notch to the more expensive stuff.
I bought it while on leave and needed to get back to my base, otherwise I would have had one of Earl Shibe’s $29.95 specials, a staple of the sixties culture. It looked pretty darn good unless you got up close. I had to keep a fresh can handy to cover up the gas spill spots that occurred at gas stations. Back then they didn’t have all this high tech crap that stopped gas from spilling all over.
I’m not sure everyone knows who Earl Shibe was but he probably painted more cars than anyone in history. He offered a low-budget job for $19.95 that could help sell a car real quick if you were in a hurry. They didn’t wash it first and if they forgot to tape up a window or two it was handled with a shrug and an “oh well”. For $29.95 they washed the car and used new tape, something not guaranteed at the cheaper price.
I miss having cars running around with bad paint jobs. You see them but they are rare. I bought a ‘54 Dodge Station Wagon once that was in desperate need of a paint job. I had a few friends over for a Sunday toke and joke fest and mentioned it needed painting. It also needed tires, upholstery, and a windshield wiper motor but those weren’t exactly necessities at that time in my life.
I wasn’t going to fork out a lot of money on it. The car cost me $35 so I wasn’t going to put $20 of spray paint into it. We looked around the garage of the house I rented and found a cabinet full of paint but it was a combination of house paint and other stuff along with a few odd cans of spray paint. As the afternoon wore on and our condition deteriorated, we decided to paint it with what we had. There were four of us and we all started at a corner and worked our way back, using brushes. During the ordeal we gained a crewmember who decided to add what he called “flair” that turned out to be a fairly well drawn cannabis plant that went around the entire vehicle and looked like it was sprouting out of the wheel wells.
When finished it was quite a sight. Each fender was a different color of house paint and there were two rather erotic looking breasts sticking up right above the front bumper. I think it sported five or six peace signs and a few other slogans of the times.
They refused to let me drive it onto the Air Force Base. It wouldn’t pass a safety check so I didn’t have it registered. I’d ask for a temporary pass for each visit and never got refused; until I tried to drive on with the new paint job. The security policeman at the gate used the US Baldy tires as an excuse to deny entry but the real reason was the artwork. They don’t like peace signs around huge bombers.
It also got peed on a lot. For some reason people thought it was some sort of creative endeavor to urinate on the thing. I rode my bike to work and kept it at home with hopes of repainting it. I was talking about it one day on the flight line when a Staff Seargent overheard and said he was looking for a cheap car. He wound up trading me a Muntz eight track tape player for it without even seeing it. I told him it was painted really weird but he didn't seem to mind.
When he picked it up at the house he almost went into shock. But, a “deals a deal” he said as he drove it off while I tried to pull out the jammed “Blind Faith” tape from the stereo.
He drove it to work the next Monday. It was painted with primer grey. A definite can job.
Posted by Botto 82 on Sep. 21 2008,4:52 pm
When Stupid Goes Wrong II< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qh2Jed20wLk >
Posted by Wareagle11B on Sep. 22 2008,3:30 pm
Here's my story: I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
'Wow...what a worthy goal,' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow grass, pull weeds, sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds while her Mom glared at me. Then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'
I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her folks still aren't talking to me.
Posted by This is my real name on Sep. 23 2008,12:05 pm
Easy mistake to make... I guess.
Posted by ICU812 on Oct. 06 2008,10:29 am
Just got this email, Why most men are Repubs...They sure found some bad face days on a few of the pics.
Posted by Common Citizen on Oct. 06 2008,11:25 am
It would have been funnier under one of the political threads...especially where Liberal has been spending most of his time lately...
Posted by jimhanson on Oct. 06 2008,3:24 pm
null< My Webpage >
Posted by ICU812 on Oct. 06 2008,4:05 pm
Looks like this is one canidate coming up from behind.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 08 2008,6:14 pm
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,
'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 09 2008,11:09 am
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 09 2008,11:57 am
Is this the best America can do?
"The dignity, integrity and rights of the American and European people are being played with by a small but deceitful number of people called Zionists. Although they are a miniscule minority, they have been dominating an important portion of the financial and monetary centers as well as the political decision-making centers of some European countries and the US in a deceitful, complex and furtive manner. It is deeply disastrous to witness that some presidential or premiere nominees in some big countries have to visit these people, take part in their gatherings, swear their allegiance and commitment to their interests in order to attain financial or media support.
This means that the great people of America and various nations of Europe need to obey the demands and wishes of a small number of acquisitive and invasive people. These nations are spending their dignity and resources on the crimes and occupations and the threats of the Zionist network against their will."
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
9/24/08
< Full Speech >
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 09 2008,12:21 pm
An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch, all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Gunny Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day, and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"
"Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "lucky bastard! All shore duty, huh?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 09 2008,2:18 pm
A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service. After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.
'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'
The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'
The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'
The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'
Posted by jimhanson on Oct. 13 2008,6:38 pm
THE LIBERALS ANONYMOUS 12 STEP RECOVERY PROGRAM Written by To The Point News
Wednesday, 08 October 2008
Are you troubled by liberalism? Not sure why your brain works the way it does? Fear not! Join Liberals Anonymous and recover your brain with this 12-step program.
Step 1: Admit that you're a liberal.
This is the first step for every liberal on the way to recovery. It is important to understand that you're not "progressive," "moderate," or "enlightened." You're a liberal, and you need to be honest with yourself about that fact.
Step 2: Pledge to support your beliefs with facts.
Realize that truth is more important than moral superiority and is the only way to come over to reality. You must research beyond propaganda from the Sierra Club, Hillary Clinton and CNN to understand things as they really exist in the world. You can no longer argue based on "feelings" or emotion. You will actually need to back up your arguments with real information. This is a difficult step, because it means you can't be lazy any more.
Step 3: Love America.
This may be the most difficult step for those of you who are terrified of being envied by those who hate America for its freedom and prosperity. Admitting that America actually stands as a beacon to defend freedom throughout the world, rather than deserving of hate can make some of you physically ill. You might want to make a visit to a military cemetery to better understand that these men and women gave their lives so that you could apologize for your country's existence. Stop apologizing to every one envious of America, and start loving her.
Step 4: Take a college level economics class.
A Socialist is defined as someone who's never taken an economics class. Most Socialists have a hard time balancing their checkbooks, let alone explaining the simple concept of supply-and-demand. It's time to flush your complete ignorance of basic economics down the toilet and understand how the world actually functions. This concept will be very important for the next steps that involve communism, facts about corporations, and the inefficiencies of government.
Step 5: Say "no" to Communism and Socialism.
While this concept is obvious to most of the free world, it is an important step in your recovery process. If you have difficulty with this step, spend a month living and working in Cuba.
Step 6: Corporations are not evil.
If you're reading this article on-line or in an email, it's thanks to corporations. If you get some kind of paycheck, you can thank corporations. If you work for a nonprofit or the government, you still have to thank corporations. The nonprofit sector and the government wouldn't have any money to pay you without corporations. It is also important that you understand that making a profit doesn't equate to "greed" or exploitation. Capitalism has created the greatest society in our world's history. Even communist countries need corporations to survive, so enjoy a nice, hot cup of reality.
Step 7: The government is inefficient.
If you are one of those liberals who believe the government should tax us more in order to take care of society, you need to pay special attention to this step. You need to realize that government bureaucracy will waste most of your tax dollars, while the private sector will put your money to much better use. Even most Democrat politicians understand this to some degree, which is why Hillary's socialist healthcare proposal was voted down by a majority of both Democrats and Republicans. Go to your local post office, or call the IRS to ask a tax question if you need a reminder about government inefficiency.
Step 8: The earth is not your "mother," and she's not dying.
The time has now come to stop your donations to Greenpeace, The Sierra Club, and every other EnviroNazi organization to which you belong. Face the reality that the earth, society and our environment are better off today than ever in recorded history and that they are continuing to improve. Many of you tree huggers will have a very difficult time letting go of the Douglas Fir on this one. Reading The Skeptical Environmentalist by Bjorn Lomborg will help. Mr. Lomborg is a former member of Greenpeace and is currently a statistics professor at a university in Denmark. He set out to prove the world was in bad shape and ended up surprising himself by proving the exact opposite.
Step 9: Stop smoking weed.
Okay, some of you might need to enter another 12-step program to complete this step. Marijuana is distorting your sense of reality, and you need to stop using it. Besides, you'll save a fortune on snacks.
Step 10: Eat a hamburger.
If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat. You can put your sprouts and tofu on the hamburger, but get some meat into you. You'll look and feel better than you ever imagined. Remember that "vegetarian" is a Sioux Indian word meaning "bad hunter."
Step 11: Stop re-writing political history.
It's now time to admit that Bill Clinton is a lying-cheating-sexist-racist-rapist jackass, Hillary Clinton is one of the worst role models for women in this country, Al Gore really did lose the 2000 election by every vote tabulation you attempt, Ronald Reagan ended the Cold War and didn't create the homeless problem, John McCain is not a typical Republican, and Jimmy Carter is an anti-Semite with one of the worst presidential records of anyone in history.
Step 12: Be a missionary.
Once you have completed the previous steps to overcoming liberalism, it's time for you to share this awakening with others who are not as fortunate. Go out amongst the liberal sheep and spread the good word of your freedom from the chains of ignorance and the fear of being envied that once bound you.
Congratulations, and welcome to reality.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 14 2008,3:53 pm
After the Hugh Grant incident that made the papers, Bill Gates called up Hugh Grant. Bill asked him "Was it really worth $50 to almost ruin your career?" Hugh replied "Bill, actually it was worth a million".
So Bill called up Hughes' favorite prostitute, but since she became so famous, her prices had gone up quite a bit. So Bill paid $10,000 for a night with Divine.
In the morning he said, "That was fantastic! Now I know why professionally you call yourself 'Devine'."
She answered "Thank you, and now I know why you call your company 'Microsoft'."
Posted by jimhanson on Oct. 16 2008,9:26 am
Why did the chicken cross the road?BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of th e road
.HILLARY CLINTON : When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to kno w if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentio ns. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize h ow stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chic k ens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
DR SE USS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed th e r oad, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released chicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or nee d to be rebooted.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 16 2008,1:35 pm
The Smoking Power Supply I work in a computer store and one day I had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. I was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.
Me: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this.
Me: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.
Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.
[After a few minutes of going round and round]
Me: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of XP that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:DOSNOSMOKE and reboot your computer.
[Customer does this]
Customer: It is still smoking.
Me: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
[The customer then hung up. I thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!]
Me: Hello, Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 21 2008,5:00 pm
A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 21 2008,5:10 pm
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 21 2008,5:16 pm
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. "What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 2009 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 05 2008,2:00 pm
On Jan 20 2009 the address at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave will commonly referred to as the Ebony Crib
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 06 2008,10:53 am
Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship." He was asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
He Replied, Like I'm talking to a freaking' wall."
Posted by turbo08 on Nov. 06 2008,9:55 pm
Why did Barrack lose 80 % of the black votes? He promised them all jobs.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 06 2008,10:17 pm
Air Force One After Jan 20th will be known as the Soul Plane
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 11 2008,2:10 pm
A young novice finally passes all the tests and is accepted into the monastery. His first day he is taken upstairs and shown the room where all the monks copy out the words of the bible. Each brother completes his own copy by copying the monk to his left. He asks the Abbott why they do this, "well my son" he says " It's just tradition, our founder copied his bible and we all copy the monk who copied the copy. It has always been so" "But" says the novitiate, "What if the original founder made a mistake? We would all be copying that mistake"
"Good point" says the Abbott, "I'll go and check.
Two weeks later and the novitiate hasn't seen the Abbott since their conversation, so he decides to go and look for him. Up in the attic where all the archives are kept he find the Abbott, beating his head against the wall and crying
"Abbott what is it?" he cries
"We missed the "R" out, we missed the "R"" says the Abbot, "we are supposed to celebrate!"
Posted by Santorini on Nov. 11 2008,8:47 pm
YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT1. Pick the # of times a week that you would like to go out to eat. (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this # by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply by 50
5. If you already had your Birthday this year add 1758
If you haven't add 1757
6. Now subtract the 4-digit year you were born
You should have a 3-digit #
The first number is your original # (How many times you want to go out to eat in a week)
The next 2 numbers are
YOUR AGE
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 14 2008,3:41 pm
A new supermarket opened here. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the dairy cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bakery department features the tantalizing aroma of fresh baked bread.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 14 2008,3:57 pm
During a sermon, the preacher says to his congregation, “The Bible covers everything. I challenge anyone to name a subject I can’t find in the Good Book.” A woman in a back pew raises her hand and asks, “What about PMS?”
Caught by surprise, the preacher nervously thumbs through the Bible before exclaiming, “Oh, here it is: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.’”
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 18 2008,2:59 pm
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .
Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodore s ---
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba---
Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And Last but NOT least
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 21 2008,10:47 am
Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born
in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford'.
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 23 2008,9:18 pm
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
out..........
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little punk
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 23 2008,9:24 pm
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex. He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 26 2008,6:46 pm
Damn Iowigians 
Posted by Santorini on Nov. 26 2008,10:34 pm
A lady walked over to her husband and said,"I was cleanin Billy's room and guess what I found!"
"Drugs?" he responded
"No", she said, "Sixty votes for Al Frankin!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 28 2008,1:20 pm
Men Are Just Happier People ~ What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $500. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 28 2008,5:27 pm
This boy was pushing a lawnmower down the street when a preacher saw him. He called the boy over and offerred him a bicycle for the lawnmower. A few days later the boy came riding the bicycle past the preacher's house. The preacher called him over and asked him how to crank the lawnmower. He told the preacher 'Ya gotta give it a good cussin'. The preacher said 'Son I have been preaching for twenty-five years, I have forgotten how to cuss. The boy said 'preacher, you keep pulling on that rope, it'll come back to you'.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 04 2008,3:55 pm
A lighter side of Albert Lea I think it is time to find something to laugh at. Posted by Gabe on Dec. 06 2008,2:11 pm
Ok, it's sentencing day and O.J. just got off of the phone with his lawyer and he gets all of his stuff together for a trip to the beach. He has his beach hat, his beach ball, he even has suntan lotion. His lawyer pulls up and says "what is all of that stuff for?" O.J. says "I thought you said we were going to Cancun." The lawyer says "No I said you're going to the CAN COON!!"
Posted by Joe The Plumber on Dec. 06 2008,4:08 pm
Sex, Church & Pancakes Sex
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant
and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the
family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful
and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in
rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of
condoms
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
Church
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand . He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No ****?'
Pancakes
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their
little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his
rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there
was a large stack of warm
pan cakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father.'
Posted by Joe The Plumber on Dec. 06 2008,4:12 pm
PROBLEM WITH HIGH URINALS A group of second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the local race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was
staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the fourth grade.'
'No, ma'am,' he replied. 'I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.' Have a great day!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 11 2008,1:23 pm
Cell Phone in the Microwave< http://wimp.com/microwavecellphone/ >
Posted by ICU812 on Dec. 12 2008,10:44 pm
Not a joke, and I'm not starting a new thread for it, but, I am watching See No Evil, Hear No Evil with Willy Wonka and Richard Pryor, gotta be one of the funniest flicks ever.
Posted by ICU812 on Dec. 12 2008,11:06 pm
Wonka's deaf, Pryor's blind. Look who's driving.....
Posted by ICU812 on Dec. 12 2008,11:11 pm
this still rocks too. Having fun on a Fri.....
Posted by Joe The Plumber on Dec. 17 2008,8:03 pm
Sperm Bank A woman is working late at a sperm bank. All of a sudden
a man breaks through the window with a ski mask on and
a gun in his hand. He looks at the woman and says,
"Drink one of the sperm samples or else I'll blow your
brains out!!" The woman looks very disturbed and grabs
a sample and drinks it down. The man looks at her and
puts his gun away, then he pulls his ski mask off to
reveal it is her husband. He says, "See honey that wasn't
so bad was it?"
Posted by Joe The Plumber on Dec. 17 2008,8:13 pm
Beers after Work A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited
him out for a few beers after work. The man said that
his wife would never go for it, that she doesn't allow
him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-
worker suggested a way to overcome that problem, "When
you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down
under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties,
and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me,
she'll never mention that you were out late with the
boys." So the man agreed to try it, and went out and
enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the
house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down
his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned
and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while,
he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd
be right back. He got out of bed and walked down the
hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went
in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on
the toilet. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhh!!!"
she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
Posted by Joe The Plumber on Dec. 17 2008,8:23 pm
HAPPY WOMAN A woman in her fifties is at home, NAKED, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think.
I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.'
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old a$$ ?'
'Your name never came up,' she replied!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 26 2008,5:08 pm
After creating heaven and earth, < graveyard > 12/26 11:41:31 God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't."
"Don't what ?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit ? Hey, Eve ... we have forbidden fruit !"
"No way !"
"Yes, way !"
"Do NOT eat the fruit !" said God.
"Why ?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so !" God replied, (wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked !
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ?" God, as our first parent, asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it !" Adam said,
"Did not !"
"Did too !"
"DID NOT !"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Posted by 'ban on Dec. 26 2008,9:22 pm
bald eagles?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 27 2008,12:41 pm
The FBI in America sent a photograph of a wanted criminal. The photo was in three poses -- front face and two side shots. They said, 'We believe this criminal is in Poland, keep a lookout for him.' Two weeks later the Polish police sent back a message to the FBI with the photograph which read, 'We got the fella in the middle but we're still looking for the other two!'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 27 2008,12:45 pm
Ole and Sven walk into a pet shop near Duluth. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere.' says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Two Harbors. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: 'By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 02 2009,6:52 pm
BIG PEOPLE WORDS A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 'I went to visit my Nana'. No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'. She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done? 'I read a book' he replied. That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the SH!T.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 02 2009,7:31 pm
Posted by Common Citizen on Jan. 05 2009,9:10 am
My wife said, "Whatcha doin today?" I said, "Nothing."
She said, "You did that yesterday."
I said, "I wasn't finished."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 07 2009,2:09 pm
Posted by usmcr on Jan. 07 2009,4:13 pm
one for the irish!a bloke walks into the dublin library & asks the prim librian "excuse me, miss. dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
at which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top for her glasses & says, "fook off!! ye'll not be bringing it back!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 08 2009,1:33 pm
THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A CUBS BASEBALL GAME.. THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND.
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH.. THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.."
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA.. THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE.."
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO.. THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE.."
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 08 2009,3:41 pm
A long-married couple is vacationing in Las Vegas, and while the wife is out shopping one evening the husband decides to while away some time in a local bar. It doesn't take long for one of the hookers in the bar to approach him. She wants 500 dollars for her services. "I'd be interested", he says, "but I only have about 10 bucks on me". She tells him that won't cut it, and she heads off in search of better prospects. The next day he and his wife are strolling down the sidewalk when he spots the same hooker on the other side of the street. She sees him too, and shouts,
"See? See what you get for 10 bucks?!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 09 2009,3:44 pm
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?"
"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
"What do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of
your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.
"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.
"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
Posted by Febreze on Jan. 14 2009,12:31 am
THE PERFECT HUSBANDSeveral men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 14 2009,1:10 pm
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 15 2009,2:21 pm
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he
would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in...?
P...?
E...?
N...?
I....?
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer
replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 16 2009,6:10 pm
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 16 2009,6:18 pm
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 16 2009,6:26 pm
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 17 2009,3:11 pm
Exercise For Older Adults... Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room
at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight
out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a
full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this
position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb
potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full
minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 17 2009,3:15 pm
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
"Hickory dickory dock . . ."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 17 2009,3:56 pm
Tools and proper useDRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW ****, Aw . . . . !"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT- FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2 X 4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures. Also used to create that cool blue look on fingernails.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Posted by grassman on Jan. 18 2009,9:15 am
Attitude TestA man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but
there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go
out and shoot six illegal aliens, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Posted by grassman on Jan. 19 2009,8:48 am
CALMNESS IN OUR LIVESI am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice
heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace..
Dr. Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished.'
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package
of Oreos, the remainder of an old Prozac prescription, the rest of the
cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how
really good I feel right now.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 19 2009,1:52 pm
MY JOB IS UNBELIEVABLE, I'LL TRY TO SUM IT UP BY FIRST TELLING YOU ABOUT THE FOLKS I WORK WITH: FIRST THERE IS THE SUPERMODEL WANNA-BE CHICK. I'LL GIVE HER CREDIT SHE IS PRETTY HOT. BUT SHE'S CONSTANTLY FIXING HER HAIR OR PUTTING ON MAKE UP. SHE IS EXTREMELY SELF-CENTERED AND NEVER CONSIDERS THE NEEDS/WANT/DESIRES OF ANYONE BUT HERSELF. SHE IS AS DUMB AS A BOX OF ROCKS. I'M SURPRISED SHE HAS ENOUGH BRAIN POWER TO CONTINUE TO BREATHE. SHE MUST TRADE SERVICES, BECAUSE THE BOSS KEEPS HER AROUND.
THE NEXT CHICK IS EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE. SHE IS PROBABLY ONE OF THE SMARTEST PERSONS ON THE PLANET. HER CAREER OPPORTUNITIES ARE ENDLESS, YET SHE IS HERE WITH US. SHE IS LIKE A -10 ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10. I'M NOT SURE SHE EVEN SHOWERS, MUCH LESS SHAVES HER 'WOMANLY' PARTS. I THINK SHE IS A LESBIAN BECAUSE EVERY TIME WE DRIVE BY A HOME DEPOT SHE MOANS LIKE SHE IS CREAMING HER PANTIES.
FINALLY AND THE JEWEL OF THE CROWD IS A STONER. I'M NOT TALKING LIKE AN OCCASIONAL TOKER. THIS GUY IS BAKED BEFORE HE COMES TO WORK, DURING WORK AND I'M SURE AFTER WORK. I WOULD DOUBT THAT HE HAS BEEN 'SOBER' IN THE LAST 10 YEARS EASILY. AND HE'S ONLY 22. HE DRESSES LIKE A FREAKIN' BEATNIK THROWBACK FROM THE 1960'S. TO MAKE IT WORSE HE BRINGS HIS BIG FOCKING DOG TO WORK. EVERY FOCKING DAY I HAVE TO LOOK AT THIS HUGE FOCKING DOG!! THIS THING USUALLY WALKS AROUND ABOUT 1/2 STONED FROM THE 2ND HAND SMOKE. HELL, SOMETIMES I EVEN THINK IT'S TRYING TO TALK WITH ITS CONSTANT BELLOWING. BOTH OF THEM ARE CONSTANTLY HUNGRY AND REQUIRE MULTIPLE STOPS AT MCDONALDS AND BURGER KING.
ANYWAYS, I DRIVE THESE FOCKTARDS AROUND IN MY VAN AND WE SOLVE MYSTERIES AND SH1T.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 19 2009,2:50 pm
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a Major breakthrough because women frequently complain about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 19 2009,3:04 pm
The Good Napkins My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.
I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months.... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks a re leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone.
Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 19 2009,3:27 pm
1969 : Long hair 2009 : Longing for hair
1969 : KEG
2009 : EKG
1969 : Acid rock
2009 : Acid reflux
1969 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2009 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1969 : Seeds and stems
2009 : Roughage
1969 : Hoping for a BMW
2009 : Hoping for a BM
1969 : Going to a new, hip joint
2009 : Receiving a new hip joint
1969 : Rolling Stones
2009: Kidney Stones
1969 : Screw the system
2009 : Upgrade the system
1969 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2009: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1969 : Passing the drivers' test
2009: Passing the vision test
1969 : Whatever
2009 : Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who are starting college this
year were born in 1991.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the 2 years they were born.
They have always had an answering machine
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 23 2009,4:11 pm
I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button; Nothing; I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time - I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs; AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference. Pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a stun gun, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative! SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
Posted by Joe The Plumber on Jan. 23 2009,6:35 pm
Geokarjo,It's the " Gong Show."
Well now ya know your wife is safe.
Posted by Joe The Plumber on Feb. 02 2009,9:12 pm
Silver Dildo This Guy who owns a porno shop and has his friend watch
the store while he runs some errands. While the owner
is away in walks this red head lady. She walks up to
the counter and asks, "How much for that pink dildo
up on the shelf?" The guy replies, "$25." She said,
"I'll take it!" A few minutes later in walks this brunette.
She walks up to the counter and asks, "How much for
that purple dildo up on the shelf?" The guy replies,
"$50." She said, "I'll take it." A while later this
blonde walks in. Her eyes got as big as saucers. She
walked up to the counter and asked, "How much for that
big silver dildo on the shelf?" The guy replies, "$100."
She pays him and leaves. In walks the owner and asks
how business was doing, and his friend replies, "I sold
the pink dildo for $25, I sold the purple dildo for
$50, and I sold your THERMOS for a $100."
Hung Chow
Hung Chow calls in to work and says. "Hey boss, I not
come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach
ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you
today, when I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell
her to give me sex. That makes everything better and
I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what
you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got
nice house!"
Smoking Dope or Doing Time
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking
dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd
like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others
the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs
forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said
to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well,
your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and
told them the big circle is your brain before drugs,
and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's
admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy) "Well, your
honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do
that!". "Well, I used a similar approach. I drew a
large and a small circle.
I said, pointing to the small circle, "This is your
a$$hole before prison..."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 06 2009,5:36 pm
I'm confused.....How can nearly 2 million african americans get into Washington, DC in sub-zero temps in ONE day when 200,000 couldn't get out of New Orleans at 85 degrees with 4 days notice?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 11 2009,7:53 pm
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 12 2009,6:36 pm
His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late. On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, 'George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?' George replies, 'Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.' 'Well,' one of the employees questioned, 'What happens if she is laying on her back?' George replies, 'Then I am 10 minutes late.'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 12 2009,10:53 pm
Posted by Joker on Feb. 25 2009,8:32 pm
( I think Jim Hanson will like this joke. )Brain Dead
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly
To get him to the emergency room.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared, wearing
His scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead,
But his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with
Shock! "We've never had a Democrat in the family before.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Feb. 28 2009,11:37 am
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Posted by MADDOG on Mar. 04 2009,9:13 am
DAVID LETTERMAN IS IN TROUBLE WITH NASCAR!!!! Now, this is funny. I'll bet Dave Letterman does get some 'flak' from the NAACP.
Al Sharpton and the Rev. Jackson will go nuts !!!
David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:
#10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time..
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillac's, or Lincoln's approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
# 1 - They CAN"T wear their helmets sideways.....!
Posted by Botto 82 on Mar. 04 2009,12:50 pm
How un-PC.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 04 2009,4:45 pm
This is perhaps one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and the Australian General Peter Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters… FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers!
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 09 2009,11:19 am
There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want! WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999
and a drum roll............! .....
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 09 2009,11:45 am
... Do you realize that President Obama will sign his stimulus package on the same desk President Clinton got his package stimulated. 
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 09 2009,2:52 pm
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 10 2009,5:04 pm
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
Posted by Amarilloslim on Mar. 10 2009,9:27 pm
JOURNEY OF MANWhen I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 11 2009,12:07 pm
Ole's wife just called laughing about some loser on the forum. She said "See you don't have it so bad... here's a guy who's wife thinks foreplay is 2 weeks of begging."
He told her, "I posted that one."
He's now up to three weeks of begging.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 11 2009,12:32 pm
New Sex Study... It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 11 2009,12:34 pm
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
Posted by usmcr on Mar. 17 2009,10:08 pm
Bankers joke:seems there was this wealthy banker that was taking a drive in his big new limo.
while tooling down a country road he saw a man in the ditch bending over.
he pulled up beside him & asked what he was doing. the man said he was eating grass!
the banker asked how come you are eating grass? the man said he was broke & was hungry.
the banker told the man to get in the limo & he would take him to his place. the man said would it be ok to take his wife & two kids along. the banker said shure it would. off they went & came across another man in the ditch with the same story. the banker also told the man to get in the limo with his family as well. on the way to the bankers home the men asked about his home. the banker replied how nice it was especially the big yard with about a foot high of grass that needed to be taken care of!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 19 2009,12:49 pm
When a famous golphers wife was a guest on The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson, Johnny asked her if she did anything to help her husband win golf tournaments. She replied, "Yes, before his game I kiss his balls." Johnny stared at her and quiped," That ought to make his putter stand up and take notice." She then walked off the show.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 19 2009,4:13 pm
I cant believe the crazy **** people do. I was sitten in church last sunday and this lady sitting next to me lit a cigarette. I almost dropped my beer!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 19 2009,4:14 pm
I cant believe the crazy **** people do. I was sitten in church last sunday and this lady sitting next to me lit a cigarette. I almost dropped my beer!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 21 2009,1:47 pm
FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP!!For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red dot on their foreheads…
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion,
but the Indian Embassy in New York has recently revealed the true story…
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union…
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in the United States…
If nothing is under the red dot, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice…
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 21 2009,2:24 pm
Who is your real friend? This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 23 2009,2:23 pm
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and homely looking woman. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success" she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Make love to me or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on. On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was really hot.
"Make love to me now or climb the ladder to success" she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, everything he could want. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his crotch.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "my name's Cess!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 23 2009,2:28 pm
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings": * The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 23 2009,2:29 pm
Wedding rings: The worlds smallest handcuffs.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 23 2009,2:31 pm
Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary 10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
Posted by jimhanson on Mar. 23 2009,2:38 pm
Southwest is now serving Minneapolis Posted by ICU812 on Mar. 25 2009,12:25 pm
QUOTE
Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir."
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir."
Posted by Amarilloslim on Mar. 25 2009,4:40 pm
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs,
Enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied,
"Father, it's me,........... Sister Kathleen!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 27 2009,11:07 am
A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer. Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 27 2009,11:19 am
A woman was at her hair dresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the
hairdresser, who responded:
Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded
and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?'
'We're taking Continental,' was the reply. 'We got a great
rate!'
'Continental?' exclaimed the hairdresser. 'That's a
terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly ,
and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?'
'We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's
Tiber River called Teste.'
'Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks
it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the
worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and
they're overpriced.
So, whatcha' doing when you get there?'
'We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see
the Pope.'
'That's rich ,' laughed the hairdresser. 'You and a
million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going
to need it.'
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The
hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
'It was wonderful,' explained the woman , 'not only were
we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and
I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city They,
too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at
no extra charge!'
'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and
good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.'
'Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the
Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the
Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through
the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.'
'Oh, really! What 'd he say ?'
He said: 'Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 27 2009,11:32 am
A salesman was traveling through the countryside selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. “Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it.” The farmer was dubious. “Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I’ll buy a whole case from you.”
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite
on him.
The farmer was perplexed. “Son,” he said, “Now, you don’t have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?”
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, “For crying out loud, Mister, doesn’t that calf have a Mother!”
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 27 2009,11:36 am
A few years ago, < cj5guy > 03/27 05:24:25 the Sierra Club and the United States Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seemed that, after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a “more humane” solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated, then let loose again…and thus the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower’s association by Sierra Club and USFS.
Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand the problem.” These coyotes ain’t having sex with our sheep….they’re eatin’ ‘em.”
Posted by ICU812 on Mar. 27 2009,11:46 am
Seven years after Bill Clinton left Washington D.C.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 27 2009,2:54 pm
A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine." A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying for it."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy
As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]
Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 27 2009,2:55 pm
One day a father gets off work and on his way home suddenly remembers that tomorrow is his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'What?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 27 2009,2:57 pm
U.S. Cencus Findings According to the U.S. Census Bureau:
99,000 people are having sex right now,
29,000 are kissing and one person is reading jokes on Albert Lea.com
Hang in there.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 27 2009,3:03 pm
Little Johnny's at it again. A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'
* * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 27 2009,3:03 pm
handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching. -------
'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when
he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old
'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes
her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old
''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the
more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so
he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old
'My Dad loves beer.. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he
danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages
on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old
AND THE BEST RESPONSE
'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever
she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the
street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years old
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 31 2009,10:33 am
INSTALLING A HUSBAND Dear Tech Support ,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other v aluable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 .
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2..6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE ,
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta .
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0, Hot Lingerie 7.7 and Oral 6.9.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
Posted by n0esc on Apr. 01 2009,4:42 am
Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex? "Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed
"What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, " Just checking for squirrel..."
Posted by n0esc on Apr. 01 2009,4:47 am
StutterringA teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she
could say '****!', the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 01 2009,2:13 pm
What will stretch the most rubber or human skin ? The answer is Human skin. Why ?
It says so in the Bible.
Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked up the mountian.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 06 2009,3:03 pm
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So, the guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear. The economy is so bad: CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren'tpaying their taxes.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"
Motel Six wont leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 08 2009,11:21 am
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN
Show up naked ..... and bring beer.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 09 2009,3:45 pm
The Exchange Student from India It was the first day of a school in the USA and a new
Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered
the fourth grade.
The teacher said,
"Let's begin by reviewing some American
History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me
Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for
Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry,
1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the
People, for the People, shall not perish from the
Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you
should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more
about its history than you do..'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put
his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm
gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who
said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese
Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck
this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and
shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica
Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little
****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,
' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying
against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor,
someone said, 'Oh ****, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the
American people, November 4, 2008."
Posted by Common Citizen on Apr. 17 2009,8:59 am
West Virginia FARM KID in Marines (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but k ind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .. I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
Posted by Amarilloslim on Apr. 18 2009,10:29 pm
Subject: creative puns! 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
his work
.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When
his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change
yet.'
14. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.
16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 21 2009,2:15 pm
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 24 2009,5:22 pm
It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.
The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool"!
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet"!
Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me"!
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance".
The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain..... but either let me have a bigger arse or smaller eggs".
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 24 2009,6:27 pm
I just read an article on the dangers of drinking. Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it! After today, no more reading.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 28 2009,11:51 am
Ok Ladies Remember this is a joke forum I don't write the jokes i just read them and pass the humorous one's on for all to enjoy.We are all gratefuyl God Salvaged a Rib.
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, Theres something hes needing
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing...........
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 30 2009,1:15 pm
The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 30 2009,2:04 pm
It was 5:30 in the morning when that little nazi piece of crap that everyone else refers to as a clock, brought me out of a drunken sleep. I don't know if it was so much a sleep, as being passed out. I would have given my left nut for the luxury of hitting the snooze button just once, but I have always said "You stay out with the boys, you get up with the men." I took a quick glance around the room to make sure I hadn't picked up some fugly the night before. God knows, that with a few Crown Royals in a man, his judgment becomes somewhat impaired when it comes to the opposite sex. I was alone and all I wanted to do was go back to bed. I drug my butt into the shower and tried to piece together the events of the evening before.
Lets see. Got off work. OK that's clear. Went to a bar. OK that's still clear. Had a few shots of Crown. OK starting to get fuzzy. At some point in the evening I somehow decided I was a rock star, and I began partying like Jim Morrison.
The rest of the evening is just a blur, punctuated with flashes of me slamming down shots like they were never gonna make any more, and I wanted to make sure I got the last drop before the world ran out of alcohol.
I get out of the shower and go to the front window looking for my truck, not knowing how I got home. Ahhhhh, there she was, and with no dents, dings or scrapes.
One quick glance around the living room told a thousand tales. There is Taco Bell bags everywhere. Half eaten burritos, tacos, those little tater tot things, and God knows what else.
All of a sudden a harsh reality sets in, "at some point in this day my guts are going to produce the biggest taco-crown bomb ever seen by the likes of mankind," and I think to myself that i'll just deal with it when the time comes.
Go back in the bathroom to brush my teeth. As soon as the taste of the paste hits my mouth, I started screaming in color at my reflection in the mirror. Damn, this is gonna be a long day.
I inspect the contents of my stomach, which are now in the sink, and I am pleasantly surprised not to find blood. What did concern me however, was the lack of solid foods. Indicating that the 6 pack of tacos, the assorted burritos, gordidas and maybe even that little dog, had made it past my stomach and into my intestinal track. Guaranteeing that I would be producing a turd of epic proportion.
Had I known just what this day held in store for me, I never would have left my house.
On my way into work I realize that I have about an hour before the new bookkeeper is going to be there so I don't need to rush in, and I decide that a cup of coffee might be a good idea.
Next door to my work is a little 24 hour joint that is owned by a Korean dude with bad teeth and even worse engirish, and I do mean "engirish." I get a table and order coffee. The table looked like
someone had stolen the contents of my sink and painted the top of it with the stomach cocktail I had so lovingly concocted not more than an hour before. Needless to say, I decided to move before I added a whole new bile theme to this masterpiece of purge.
My coffee came and I decided I might have a bite to eat. Knowing full well that I would most likely get food poisoning from eating anything that this hole of a restaurant. But I'm still too drunk to care.
I don't know, maybe I figured there was enough
crown in my blood to kill off any food born bacteria. And in retrospect, I really think there was.
I decided on an omelet that is listed on the
menu as, and I quote, "The Garbage Disposal".
This omelet had everything in it. 6 eggs, peppers, potatoes, mushrooms, chopped up chilies, sausage, leftover biscuits, salsa, ham, cheese, probably some cat meat and everything else under the sun. And to top it
off, a nice thick brown gravy. AHHHHHHH!! I was in drunk munchie paradise.
"Wourd loo rike a grass of mirk" the server asked me. Why the hell not. I'm not gonna wash all this down with coffee. I ate it all. Right down to the last piece of toast crust, drank my milk, finished my coffee, paid my bill, and I was off to work.
Not long after I opened up, the new bookkeeper arrived. I'm not the one who hired her so I had never seen her. She was semi-attractive, about my age. I must have reeked of booze because she wouldn't get closer than 7 feet to me.
La de da, this and that and I get her settled in. I walk out of her office and start down the hall and all of a sudden all the bells and whistles in my head start going off like an air raid warning.
THE POO IS COMING!!!!!!!
THE POO IS COMING!!!!!!
Not seconds after that my insides cramped up as though I had been impaled with a hot fireplace poker, and I was lucky enough to realize, that I was about to crap my pants. I managed to slam my ass cheeks together just before the flow of butt lava freed itself from its confines.
This produced a new problem. I could not move. There I stood in the hall with my ass doing its best impersonation of an oyster. I felt like
someone was kicking me repeatedly in the guts, and the pain was blurring my vision. Panic started to set in after about 4 minutes of standing in one place. What if someone comes down the hall and I have to move.
NOT AN OPTION!!!!
Another couple of minutes pass and I can move from the knees down only. At this point I would have given the world for an ass plug or a pair of depends, and I really wouldn't have cared which.
It took me about 5 minutes, and about a quart of sweat and tears to go the 35 feet to the
bathroom. All the while it felt like I had a living creature inside of me that had a body temperature of about 75000 degrees, had the claws of a brown bear, was madder than hell, and wanted out of my ass NOW!!!!
Much to my surprise, I made it to the bathroom without blowing mud in my pants. The bookkeeper never came out of her office, and nobody ever came down the hall. No sooner had I closed the door, than I realized I had yet another problem. There was no way in hell I would be able to drop my pants and keep this demon from hell in my ass long enough to drop myself onto the shitter.
So there I stood. I waited until the mind numbing waves of pain subsided a little and undid my pants, I figured if I pulled my pants down and sat in one quick motion I might live through this. OK on three I thought to myself.
One, Two, THREE!!!!!!!!
I pulled my pants down with one fast and furious motion not even realizing just how much pressure was built up in my ass, and that by bending over so quickly, I had just increased the pressure four fold.
There was an ASSPLOSION. The propulsion of the jet stream of crap actually pushed me forward and I almost fell over. Now when I say assplosion, you have to understand, that I literally had a mushroom cloud of crap BLOW
out of my overworked sphincter. Granted, the relief to my guts was heavenly, but I was horrified at what I saw when I turned around.
There was crap every where. My ass bomb worked as though it was designed to military specifications. There was butt gravy six feet up the wall. The toilet looked as though it had been painted liberally with a nice coat of crap. There was crap on the toilet
paper. There was crap on the mirror. There was crap in the sink. crap on the door. Crap on the floor. My whole backside was covered with a greasy coat of crap. The back of my white shirt looked like a thousand monkeys had used it to wipe each others asses. The smell was
overwhelming. The bathroom was only about five foot by four and a half feet wide, so it soon became hard to breath, and I began to gag and
choke.
So there I was, with the worst hangover of my life, I have the dry heaves (somehow, my breakfast had joined forces with the taco bell for this ass party of the millennium, and was no longer in my stomach), I was covered in crap. Hell everything was covered with crap and there was nothing I could do.
I couldn't just walk out of the bathroom and leave it like that for someone to find, not to mention, there was no way I was gonna
walk out of there with butt juice all over me. I was a hostage!!!!!!! MY CRAP HAD LITERALLY TAKEN ME HOSTAGE!!!!!!!
I had to formulate a plan of attack to free myself from this virtual crap hole. The toilet paper was going to be of no use to me, as it was now soggy with poo juice, by the grace of God, the roll of paper towels remained unsoiled and much to my luck it was a full roll.
I began the distasteful task of cleaning up. I have never experienced anything quite like this and I hope I never do again, it was axle grease, my ass had just manufactured axle grease!!!!!!! It wouldn't wipe up, only spread.
After a good twenty minutes of wiping, washing, gagging and choking, I ran out of paper towels, which was OK because I had pretty well cleaned up everything.
Now, how in the hell am I gonna get out of here
undetected?
? I had another shirt from the dry cleaners in my truck but how was I going to get there??? Then I remembered a jacket that I had seen at
someone's desk!!!!!! I had to act fast, more people would be showing up soon. I stuffed my shirt in the garbage and peeked out the door.
The coast was clear so I ran like the wind for that jacket. When I put the jacket on I realized that it must have belonged to a kid and not someone in the office because the sleeves only came to my elbows. To late to change plans now buddy, your committed.
As soon as I get the thing zipped, the new, semi-attractive, about my age, bookkeeper came
around the corner looking for me with a question. I must have been quite a sight. The first time she saw me I was in a suit and tie, reeking of booze. Now here I am wearing
a kids jacket with no shirt, reeking of booze, and the added scent of eau de ass sauce. The only thing going though my mind was
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!
She was polite enough to pretend like this was something she sees every day and paid no notice. I answered her question and acted
like this is a completely natural thing for a grown man to be doing at this time in the morning.
As soon as she was gone I ran like hell to my truck and grabbed my fresh shirt, threw it on, and went back inside. I poked my head in her office and told her that I had an emergency call and had to leave for a little while.
All I wanted at this point was a shower. I drove home, cleaned up, changed my clothes and returned to the scene of the crime. By now there are other people in the office going about their business.
I went in the bathroom to give it one more thorough cleaning with Lysol. Once all the evidence of my battle with the ass monster was gone I felt like I was reborn, I WAS A NEW MAN!!!!!!!! I had fought the battle of
the poo and come out the victor.
I will never forget that day.
The bookkeeper worked there for a year or so and never mentioned her first day to me. Never will I forget the look on her face when she found a mad man in front of her stinking of all that is evil, wearing a child's jacket that only covered half my torso.
Nor will I forget her question. "Where's the bathroom"?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 30 2009,2:49 pm
Invasion of the Dandelions Once again it is a time for a different type of 'chemical warfare'. The dandelions have arrived in my lawn and are joyfully celebrating the arrival of the warmer weather and drought with, 'a spurt of growth ecstasy'.
I don’t know what it is about a dandelion that freezes my blood and turns me into a crazed executioner. Somehow whenever I see their little yellow heads, I begin to plot murder, and I know that these weeds must be done away with. My flowerbeds seem to become more infested every year.
I used to actually enjoy gardening. I love my flowers, but the gardening part is getting more and more questionable and the easy solution of a black plastic and mulch ground cover with no plants is becoming more and more attractive with each passing season. NOT!!! I'm a MAN! M--A--N!!
And it's warfare they want.....??!!
Now, normal women, of course, take care of the home on the inside and leave the yard work to obliging or, at worse, disgruntled husbands. Liberated women buy condos.
Stupid women have partners who grew up in the city and think dandelions are wildflowers that should be left alone. Then there's MY wife! Argh! Everything is a philosophical debate - even weeds!
I know it is simpler to do the execution myself rather than make it a family event and stand in the yard arguing about the pro's & cons of ROUNDUP than to justify the existential need for it!
BUT NOOOooooo....! She argues for the local CHEMICAL BRO'S-- the local group of hitmen for dandilions. "NO WAY!", I say. I just gotta go do it myself. I AM MAN!
Now, as any gardener knows, dandelions are one of the most sinister of weeds to deal with. Each year, every year, I develop an insidious plan of death, carefully calculating my premeditated murder.
Dandelions are born survivors. These innocent looking yellow wildflowers will turn into raging savages overnight, sending up hideous growths of ugly seeds that scatter in the wind and spread their demon offspring. They have deep roots like carrots that are brittle and really cannot be pulled up without breaking.
Leave one tiny root and the weed will soon recover and reappear reincarnated and ready for a second life. This means they practically have to be dug out of the ground, a job I detest, but must do. But as I work, my neighbors do not. With a gust of wind, I now am a rooting ground for their dandi-minion. Each year, another miserable failure.
So for the lawn, I finally had to resort to calling in professional help. One day in the throes of a guerrilla assault from 'foot-high dandelions with roots that spoke Chinese', I realized that my defenses were just too weak. I was being overrun and I had to have reinforcements… quickly. Not to mention the wife was out of town for the weekend.
The lawn service came to the rescue and treated the yard. It only costs me an arm and a leg – small price for dandelion control, they said.
Plus they threw in control of other weeds for no extra charge. However, unless I sign up for the full service for which I must take a second mortgage on my home, sign a contract in blood, and mention them for an inheritance in my will, they won’t come back for follow-ups.
BASTURDS!
But I am M--A--N ! I decided to save money and take care of the follow-up part myself. This basically means that the yellow-headed monsters WILL reappear quickly along driveways and sidewalks where the grass is scarce, just as soon as the hitmen drive away laughing and saying 'WE TOLD YOU SO!". It is maddening! How do you get rid of these things? Land mines?
But, though a man doesn't admit defeat, I think I may call the professional mercenary weed killers again and see exactly how many rounds I have to agree to before they will do a follow-up assault.
A few of the stubborn renegades always seem to escape, lay low for a while, and then counterattack as soon as my defenses are down. I didn’t know life in suburbia would be so complicated.
Nobody told me about these annual dandelion skirmishes. My wife laughs at me, but then again she thinks I should just 'concrete the lawn and paint it green'. Good thinkin', honey. Go figure out 'world peace', ok and leave warfare to a
'M--A--N'....... (a-hem!!)
Now I know why cities developed. It had nothing to do with population density. It was a means of self-defense against invading dandelions.
WAR...... IS HELL!!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 04 2009,1:10 pm
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice. When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem-- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream." With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 11 2009,11:22 am
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?"
the man asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked. "Are you NUTS!"
replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?" I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 12 2009,10:12 am
- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm. - A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
*** You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 12 2009,10:12 am
thepenisinhermouth. Did you read 'the pen is in her mouth'?
Nah, me neither.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 03 2009,1:20 pm
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted, “Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”
“OK, OK” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead… “Your infidel brother won’t let me in without a tie!”
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 03 2009,1:23 pm
When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Darn it!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"
"LOOK!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper...
"I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 08 2009,4:16 pm
All in a day's work NO JOB
John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA )
was perking, he shaved with his
electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG ).
He put on a
dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE ),
and
tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA )
After cooking his breakfast in his new
electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA )
he sat down with his
calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO )
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his
watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA )
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY )
filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia )
and continued his search
for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging
and fruitless day
checking his
Computer
(made in MALAYSIA ),
John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL ),
poured himself a glass of
wine
(MADE IN FRANCE )
and turned on his
TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA ),
and then wondered why he can't
find a good paying job
in AMERICA .
AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT
(MADE IN KENYA ).
Posted by the breeze on Jul. 08 2009,4:21 pm
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 08 2009,4:42 pm
An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had once failed an entire class.
That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.
The professor then said, "OK,
we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan".
All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.
The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.
As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.
The second test average was a D!
No one was happy.
When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
The scores never increased as bickering,
blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
Could not be any simpler than that.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 09 2009,1:12 pm
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper, "The Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAID, WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE!" So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S JUST GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 09 2009,1:57 pm
If you hear rumbling in the clouds today dont worry its not thunder its Elvis beating Michael Jackson.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 14 2009,11:56 am
One day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 14 2009,5:01 pm
The Moral of the Story One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a Well. The animal cried piteously for hours as The farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the Well needed to be covered up anyway;
It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and Help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began To shovel dirt into the well. At first, the Donkey realized what was happening and cried Horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he Quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally Looked down the well. He was astonished at what He saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his Back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel Dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it Off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey Stepped up over the edge of the well and Happily trotted off!
Life's Moral Lesson #1
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds Of dirt The trick to getting out of the well Is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of Our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out Of the deepest wells just by not stopping, Never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more. Expect less.
NOW ............
Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back,
And bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
Life's Real Moral Story
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 01 2009,2:43 pm
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Posted by Wareagle11B on Aug. 03 2009,5:10 pm
Subject: The Lie ClockThe Lie Clock
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him..
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's President Obama's clock?' asked the man.
Obamas clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 17 2009,2:29 pm
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border..
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago."
"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?"
The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 17 2009,2:36 pm
While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won. That next morning they drove out to the country, and the wife climbed up in a tree for a better hidden view, about 100 yards from his blind.
Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.
As the Texan ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer! Get away from It!!
The sheepish-looking stranger just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady..... It's your deer.... Just let me get my saddle off of it!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 18 2009,6:09 pm
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 19 2009,4:54 pm
THE Doctor Advice For LONG LiFE Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
The American Health Care System is apparently what kills you.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 02 2009,2:11 pm
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?!'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 03 2009,12:54 pm
What's the difference between intelligence and wisdom? Intelligence is knowing that the tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 05 2009,10:42 am
Charity *I just had a call from some Charity, asking me to donate some of my old clothes to starving third world nations.
I figured it was a pranok call!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes is not starving!!*
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 05 2009,11:22 am
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be." The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 14 2009,4:25 pm
Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!"
In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor.
"What you need," he said, "is a female parrot too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives."
Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then, suddenly, she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn't changed.
"Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" the parrot said.
The owl said, "Whoo? Whoo?
And the parrot said, "Not you, you big-eyed Slut!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 14 2009,4:27 pm
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her
extra curricular activities, but feared her
enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she
accused Frank, a new member, of being an
alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
parked in front of the town's
only bar one afternoon...
She emphatically told Frank
(and several others)
that everyone seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!
Frank, a man of few words,
stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..
Later that evening,
Frank quietly parked his pickup
in front of Mildred's house ..
and then walked home....
And left it there all night!!!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 14 2009,5:02 pm
Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of having to buy condoms, something I hadn`t had to do for better than twenty years. The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some help. He extoled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can`t find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more.
At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he recommended. He replied "The condom made of lamb's intestine has a more natural feel."
I said, "Not to us city boys
Posted by Joe The Plumber on Oct. 15 2009,3:17 pm
Have you seen the New " PINK " T-shirts out for Breast Cancer Awareness?They say " SAVE SECOND BASE. "
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 15 2009,4:55 pm
A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.
“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”
“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 15 2009,5:06 pm
Dear Abby, I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.' I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole area when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.'
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 15 2009,5:13 pm
A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, “Help, send the police to my house right away! There’s a damn Republican on my front porch and he’s playing with himself.” “What?” the operator exclaimed. “I said there is a damn Republican on my front porch playing with himself and he’s weird; I don’t know him and I’m afraid! Please send the police!” the little old lady repeated.
“Well, now, how do you know he’s a Republican?”
“Because, you damn fool, if it was a Democrat, he’d be screwing somebody!”
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 27 2009,2:01 pm
A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me, I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump crap out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 27 2009,3:16 pm
A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet."
His plan was to tell his mother first, so on his next home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon.
Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?"
"Well... yes." Still without looking up.
"Does that mean you suck men`s peni$e$?"
Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an
embarrassed affirmative, whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped, "Don`t you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 27 2009,3:24 pm
Better than a Flu Shot! Miss Beatrice , the church organist,
was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her
and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated,
of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago
and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 28 2009,11:42 am
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 28 2009,11:44 am
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"
"Jewish."
"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 28 2009,11:51 am
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 29 2009,11:51 am
There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boatson's Mate that
his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the
sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced,
"The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.
"Pittman, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with
Witkowski; and Brown, you change with Schultz! Now get to it!".
THE MORAL: Someone may be promising "Change" in Washington,
but don't count on things smelling any better!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 29 2009,3:37 pm
Kids these days call wearing their pants hanging off their A$$ saggin.So if you was to spell saggin backwareds tha' wu b __
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 31 2009,1:01 pm
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said, after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death! We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 31 2009,1:10 pm
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in
the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy
is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends
like that...that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that crap again;
you're in my closet now..
Posted by GEOKARJO on Oct. 31 2009,1:15 pm
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
Posted by Grinning_Dragon on Nov. 01 2009,2:11 pm
Ransom......A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the
hold up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah
Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and
Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise,
theyare going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We
aregoing from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'
'About a gallon'
Posted by jimhanson on Nov. 01 2009,6:31 pm
Did you hear the one where Obama, Pelosi, and Reid came up with this plan to give everybody free health care? They explained it by saying "If we include MORE PEOPLE, the cost will go down, and the care level will go up...!
Posted by jimhanson on Nov. 01 2009,6:33 pm
Think YOU are having a bad day?SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, THERE'S A MISTER PELOSI!
Posted by Grinning_Dragon on Nov. 02 2009,1:28 pm
She spells her name.... "Le-a" So... how would YOU pronounce her name?
Leah? ......NO.
Lee - A? .... NOPE.
Lay - a? .... NOT A CHANCE.
Lei?,,,,,,,,,,NICE TRY...BUT... GUESS AGAIN!
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA.. Her mother is
irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
She says it's pronounced ..... "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked how in the world did she figure it should be
pronounced that way....
she said...."cause the dash don't be silent!"
So, if you see a name come across your desk like this... please remember
to pronounce the dash.
And... if anyone axe you why, tell them it's 'cause the dash don't be
silent!
Someone.. pleeeeze, pleeeze tell me dis don't be true! Surely, someone
be's jokin' with us?!?!\
They live among us, they dominate the welfare rolls, they contribute
nothing .... they reproduce and most importantly their vote counts as
much as yours!!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 05 2009,1:00 pm
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts, and for the rest of their lives, whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that; with one little wave of your hand? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 05 2009,1:46 pm
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he entered specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says, "Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says, "There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I’ll bet he’ll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A’s won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What’s up?"
The parrot says, "I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next!?"
The parrot says, "I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
Posted by Grinning_Dragon on Nov. 05 2009,8:46 pm
LOLZ, some one has to much time
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 07 2009,1:29 pm
english in the future < cmfr1 > 11/07 09:59:59 Having chosen English ans the prefered language on the EEC (now officially the European Union,or EU) the European Parliament commisioned a feasibilty study in the ways of improving efficiency in communications between government depts.
European officails have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessary and difficult eg:cough plough, rough, through, and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be admistered by a comitee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the commitee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'.Sertainly sivil servants in all the cities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replased by'k' since both letters are pronoused alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of the klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like fotograf twenty persent shorter to print.
In the third year, publik akseptanseof the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possilbe. Governments would enkourage the removal if double letters which have always been a deterant to akurate speling.
We would agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's' in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapened. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem beganand the peopl would be reseptiv to steps sutch as replasing 'th'with 'z'. perhaps zen ze funktion of'w' lould be taken on by 'v', vitch is after al, half a'w'. Shortly after ziz ze unesessary'o kould be droped from words kontaining 'ou'.Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of letters.
Kontinuing zis prses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sesible riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difkultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the guvermn vud finali hav kum tru...
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 12 2009,1:04 pm
A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi from one city were taking a car ride to a conference on world religions. On the highway they were in an accident. First the Priest steps out, makes the sign of the cross and says, "Oh, God, thank you for letting us survive."
Then the Minister crosses himself and says, "Thank you dear Lord for protecting us."
Finally the Rabbi steps out and likewise makes the sign of the cross. The Priest and Minister look at each other.
Baffled, the Minister says, "We thought you didn't believe in that."
To which the Rabbi responds, "Hell no, I was just checking to make sure I have everything -- spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch!"
Posted by Grinning_Dragon on Nov. 16 2009,5:49 pm
There's a story about a guy who was in a balloon, one of those air balloons, a hot air balloon. He was lost and he lowered the altitude, spotted a man down below and descended a bit more and then called out to him. He said, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I'd meet him an hour ago and I don't know where I am." The man on the ground consulted his GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above ground elevation at 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14 minutes north latitude; 100 degrees, 49 minutes west longitude," and the guy in the balloon said, "You must be a Republican," and he said, "I am. How did you know that?" He said, "Well, everything you told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information. The fact is I'm still lost -- and, frankly, you haven't been very much help so far." The other guy said, "You must be a Democrat." He said, "I am. How did you know that?" He said, "Well, you don't know where you're going or where you've been. You've risen to where you are on hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep. You expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you're in the same place you were before we met and now it's my fault!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 17 2009,1:28 pm
In Washington, D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of
the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come
near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see President Obama and
Speaker Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress
and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President
Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi,
"I don't know why the old priest wants to see us,
but it will certainly help our images and might even get me
re-elected. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN."
Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took
Obama's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in
his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on
the old priest's face.
Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the
people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be
with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to
pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus
Christ."
"Amen", said Obama.
"Amen", said Pelosi.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two
lying thieves; I would like to do the same."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 18 2009,7:02 pm
Why men have better friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.
Posted by grassman on Nov. 19 2009,6:42 am
Did you know this? #1? That the words race car spelled backward says race car.
#2? That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense, 'ate'.
#3? And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants, "and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat loving, raggedy ass bastards with you."
How weird is that?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 19 2009,1:05 pm
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 19 2009,1:33 pm
Just think... If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey
instead of a turkey, we would all be having
a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!!..
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 19 2009,1:55 pm
THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 19 2009,1:57 pm
An old lady was rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appeared in front of her and informed her that she would be granted three wishes. "Well, now," sayed the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF ***
Her rocking chair turned to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF ***
She turned into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wandered across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome young prince?" she asked.
*** POOF ***
There before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and whispers in her ear.
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Nov. 19 2009,2:01 pm
did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? he laid awake nights wondering if there was a dog.
Posted by Grinning_Dragon on Nov. 19 2009,6:07 pm
LOL mid-eastern name fail
Posted by Grinning_Dragon on Nov. 22 2009,12:54 pm
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Posted by Glad I Left on Nov. 22 2009,9:46 pm
nuff said...
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 02 2009,5:02 pm
The Hidalgo County Sheriff's Department reports finding a man's body in the Rio Grande River just west of the Hidalgo Bridge. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink g-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and an Obama t-shirt.
He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
The sheriff removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 02 2009,5:43 pm
True Story... A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too... they were laughing so hard.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 02 2009,5:45 pm
The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks. The guide noted: "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America." A male passenger shouted "WHY?!?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 03 2009,12:11 pm
A dentist noticed that his next patient a little old lady,was nervous so he decided to tell her a joke as he put on his gloves. do you know how they make these gloves/ he asked. no,I don't,she replied.well,he spoofed,her there's a big building in canada with a big tank of latex,and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank,dip there,hands,let them dry,then peel off the gloves and throws them into a box of the right size!she din't crack asmile. oh well,I tried,he thought. but five minutes'later,during a delicate portion of the procedure ,she burst out laughting.what's so funny/ he asked. I was just envisioning how condoms are made,[ gotta watch those little oldladies! there minds are always working!]
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 03 2009,1:05 pm
You Aint Young When... --You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
--You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
--Your back goes out more than you do.
--You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
--You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
--You are proud of your lawn mower.
--Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
--Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
--You sing along with the elevator music.
--You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
--You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
--You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
--You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
--You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
--People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
--You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
--You send money to PBS.
--The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
--You take a metal detector to the beach.
--You wear black socks with sandals.
--You know what the word equity means.
--You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
--Your ears are hairier than your head.
--You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
--You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
--You got cable for the weather channel.
--You can go bowling without drinking.
--You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 03 2009,1:19 pm
Tiger can always start a new career if he gets dumped by one of his sponsers. Sure...he could be the spoksman for Trojan. "Hi, im Tiger Woods. You know traveling the world in my on private jet to exotic destinations with millons of dollars in checks every year can sure get lonely when my wife stays home taking care of the kids. That's why I chose Trojan for my putter. When I am out chasing cocktail waitresses two... sometimes three at a time, they give me the confidence I need to keep my balls out of the bush and I know I can slam it in the hole with one stroke."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 03 2009,1:47 pm
One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 03 2009,5:24 pm
Q:How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman'sAnswer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God,
actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO MAN EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
Posted by SandEFlats on Dec. 07 2009,11:26 am
I once heard of a man who had a Norwegian father and a Japenese mother, every Dec. 7, he attacked Pearl Olson.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 08 2009,3:42 pm
A man walks into a church confessional “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”
The priest says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No but it will wipe that silly smirk off your face.”
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 08 2009,6:32 pm
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become managers!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 16 2009,12:29 pm
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 16 2009,12:32 pm
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
So, now you know...
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 19 2009,12:24 pm
Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Michael's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." Michael's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out. Michael's wife is very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, "Honey, I don' know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in Michael's voice, like all the men who are married to blondes exhibit, Michael says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 28 2009,7:11 pm
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself "no possible way". What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say "Don't do it dipcrap", reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ... WHAT THE HELL!!!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, than body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel completed to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution - there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative THAT HURT LIKE HELL A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thing and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I crap myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it. If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Dec. 28 2009,8:51 pm
Message about growing old Ah crap, I forgot what it was . . . . .
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 05 2010,1:56 pm
If you liked this joke go to
< http://community.wgnamerica.com/_Court/video/880053/141465.html >
and Vote
Posted by ICU812 on Jan. 06 2010,1:01 pm
Is my mind that dirty?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 27 2010,6:15 pm
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 list. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!
The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up.
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock.
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
Posted by alcitizens on Jan. 27 2010,10:24 pm
(GEOKARJO @ Jan. 27 2010,6:15 pm)
QUOTE
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 list. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!
The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up.
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock.
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 list. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!
The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up.
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock.
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
Ha! Ha! I'm choking.. Frikin Haaaee.. Like a Rock... This crap keeps me cracking up...
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jan. 29 2010,10:46 am
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
Thus, regular consumption of beer, wine etc., helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we cannot shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be. Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances and co-workers that may be in danger of losing their edge.
Posted by Silentnight on Jan. 29 2010,4:33 pm
The Perks of Being Over 40... 1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Posted by grassman on Feb. 01 2010,12:21 pm
Need I say anymore!
Posted by hairhertz on Feb. 01 2010,1:00 pm
She told the neighbor that all 6 of her sons were named LeRoy. "Why would you do that? How do they know which LeRoy is supposed to respond when you call them," asked her new neighbor?"Oh, that's easy, I just call each one by his last name."
Posted by Wolfie on Feb. 01 2010,4:40 pm
Q: What do blondes and 747's have in common?A: They both have black boxes.
Posted by grassman on Feb. 02 2010,11:44 am
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..." 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10.. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted by grassman on Feb. 04 2010,1:05 pm
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled!
But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Posted by nphilbro on Feb. 06 2010,1:55 am
Jim Hanson and I were sharing a few brews one afternoon. I asked him, as I often do, about airplanes and flight. I sucked it all in and my confidence grew as he pulled open a bottle of something he brought back from New Guinea.I can't remember much - but thanks to video...
No, of course it's not me... but it was a funny clip anyway.
Posted by alcitizens on Feb. 06 2010,4:38 pm
(nphilbro @ Feb. 06 2010,1:55 am)
QUOTE
Jim Hanson and I were sharing a few brews one afternoon. I asked him, as I often do, about airplanes and flight. I sucked it all in and my confidence grew as he pulled open a bottle of something he brought back from New Guinea.
I can't remember much - but thanks to video...
No, of course it's not me... but it was a funny clip anyway.
I can't remember much - but thanks to video...
No, of course it's not me... but it was a funny clip anyway.
Five thumbs up!!
Posted by Grinning_Dragon on Feb. 21 2010,12:45 pm
THE PATRIOTIC MICRO CHIP is intended to be implanted in terrorists. The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.
When properly installed, it will allow the one implanted, to speak to God.
The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection. No anesthetic is required.
The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches and nausea, aches, and pains are extremely temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, you won't even notice it.
ALLOWING TERRORISTS TO SPEAK TO GOD...
IT’S THE AMERICAN WAY! ! !
It comes in various sizes:
Posted by Whistle Blower 2010 on Mar. 07 2010,4:51 am
Did you hear about the Poland bobsled team that won the Gold Medal in the Olympics ?When they got home they had it Bronzed.
Posted by the breeze on Mar. 07 2010,10:58 am
spelling lesson///////////////The last 4 letters in American is... I CANThe last 4 letters in Republican is... I CAN
The last 4 letters in Democrats is... RATS
End of lesson.
Posted by Expatriate on Mar. 21 2010,12:25 pm
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy,the wars, global warming, my savings, Social Security, my credit card debt....
I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan
I told them I was suicidal
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....
Posted by Glad I Left on Mar. 21 2010,6:04 pm
(Expatriate @ Mar. 21 2010,12:25 pm)
QUOTE
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy,
the wars, global warming, my savings, Social Security, my credit card debt...
I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan
I told them I was suicidal
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
the wars, global warming, my savings, Social Security, my credit card debt...
I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan
I told them I was suicidal
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
I don't care who you are. That one is FUNNY!!!!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 27 2010,1:42 pm
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather
tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 27 2010,1:47 pm
Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid,gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all. Barack drank the concoction and said, "That tasted like bullsh*t!" "It was." the doctor replied, "You were a quart low."
Posted by gijoeman on Apr. 27 2010,1:53 pm
Craigslist?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 27 2010,2:22 pm
Yes would you like it better if I provided links to the jokes or just shared them by pasting them here.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 28 2010,2:13 pm
From Larry The Cable Guy; “Even after the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a damn genius."
Posted by grassman on May 08 2010,3:15 pm
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven Dwarfs" they get ushered in to see the Pope.Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back to face the Pope.
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
Posted by gljoefan on May 08 2010,8:14 pm
(grassman @ May 08 2010,3:15 pm)
QUOTE
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven Dwarfs" they get ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back to face the Pope.
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back to face the Pope.
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
That theres funny, i don't care who ya are.
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 14 2010,4:16 pm
Top 10 Sarcastic DaresI dare you to....
10. Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car.
9. Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, "in hundreds".
8. Call a political candidate's campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacAy.
7. Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die.
6. When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back. (whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.)
5. Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan.
4. Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it.
3. Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified.
2. Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an "access fee" for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing.
And the #1 Sarcastic Dare...
1. Circulate a petition to put "intelligent human beings" on the endangered species list.
Posted by denovo on May 14 2010,4:24 pm
< *****click here for some news***** >
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 14 2010,5:59 pm
The Test This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Barack Obama ! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.
You have two options-you can save the life of Barack Obama or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer :
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white
Posted by ControlledHyperness on May 14 2010,7:59 pm
Here is utter sarcasm driven to those who are stupidstitious...errr supersticious...The last joke you posted George was reply 666, thus making this an evil thread that needs to be demolished before someone falls off a ladder, breaks a mirror, and spills the salt.
Posted by ControlledHyperness on May 14 2010,8:02 pm
Bank, Rupp & Baroque, LoansBright, Light & Powers, Electricians
Flowers, Bush & Hedges Landscaping
Cook, Books & Hyde, CPA
Dewey, Cheatam & Howe, Tax Service
House & Holmes Realty
The Reid & Wright Learning Center
Rex Carr's Driving School
White, Sands & Son, Cruise Consultants
Ketchum & Killum, Bounty Hunters
Hyde & Haire Taxidermy
Lewis N. Clark, Wilderness Outfitter
The Leaven and Earth Bakery
Mary Annette's Puppet Shop
Posted by ControlledHyperness on May 14 2010,8:04 pm
You know you are living in 2010 when...1 You currently have 10 or more items "recharging" in your home or office.
2 You've accidentally entered your password on the microwave.
3 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
4 You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
5 You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
6 Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have
e-mail addresses.
7 When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.
8 When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.
9 You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different
companies.
10 Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
11 Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
12 You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
13 As you read it, you thought about forwarding it to your "friends."
14 You got this email from someone you've never met or even talked to, but
he just keeps sending you jokes from the net.
15 You are too busy to notice there was no #9
16 You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
And now U R laughing at yourself!!
As a note, these ARE jokes being sent to me by an old professer who taught at a college that no longer exists (yet remains taken care of
)..ironically I have never met...
Posted by ControlledHyperness on May 14 2010,8:06 pm
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English willbe the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other
possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5
year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of
the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less
letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the
silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze
drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze vorld!
[Thanks to SS down under for this clever humor]
Posted by ControlledHyperness on May 14 2010,8:06 pm
He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been havingproblems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians.
It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which
required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he
found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle
around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand.
The sheet music scattered.
As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized. It was
the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.
Posted by ControlledHyperness on May 14 2010,8:07 pm
In the beginning God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower andspinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman
would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan
created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme. And Satan said, "You want
chocolate with that?" And man said "Yea." and woman said, "And another one
with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that
man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and
sugar from the cane, and combined them. And woman went from size 2 to size
6. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman
unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, "I have sent you
heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan
brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its
own platter. And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the
roof.
God then brought running shoes so that his children might loose those extra
pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have
to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before
the flickering light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fried them. And man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" and man replied, "Yea!
And super size 'em." And Satan said "It is good." and man went into cardiac
arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMOs.
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 15 2010,12:39 pm
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 19 2010,1:00 pm
Little Johnny asks... the Minister..."God made the first man and woman, right?"
"Indeed." replied the Minister.
"And they were naked in this garden, right?" asks Johnny.
"Well, yes..."
"And God watched them, right?"
"Naturally." says the Minister.
"So that means," replies little Johnny,"that God invented porn!"
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 20 2010,4:44 pm
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
Posted by ControlledHyperness on May 20 2010,6:03 pm
We hired a young man to do some work in the office. I asked for a brief bitof history about him, his training, his family, etc. He said that his
mother was in iron and father in steel, and that he had learned his
financial skills in Yale. Sounded great!
Later we found this was not truly accurate: his mother washed and ironed
clothes and his dad stole. When he gave his name, however, it should have
been a giveaway about his education - in a strong Scandinavian accent he
called himself Yonny Yohnson.
Posted by grassman on Jun. 07 2010,7:04 am
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is..'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No..'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Calle 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.'
Posted by denovo on Jun. 07 2010,10:28 am
that is incredibly sexy
Posted by grassman on Jun. 08 2010,7:27 am
SWEET TEA:A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my
husband comes
home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When
your husband
comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and
start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but
don't swallow until he
goes to bed and is a sleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor
looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with
sweet tea. I swished And swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jun. 08 2010,10:42 am
True Story...It was 1995 and I was supplementing my income, while off for the summer from my university job, by hauling minnows for Dave Palmer and Greg Oswald.
Palmer's Barn located in Hayward and Oswald's Barn located north of Geneva, I would drive county road 30. Just as you cross over the I-90 bridge on county road 30 there is a hazard sign that warns of a blind intersection ahead with a smaller yellow sign below, 45 MPH. I had traveled that road many times heading north to Geneva and once you hit the bridge in that old minnow truck you were lucky to get up to 55. This one particular day it happened a Deputy Sheriff was behind me and pulled me over.
The deputy walked up to the truck and ask to see my required forms and license, then he asked, "What is your hurry ?"
I said, "I didn't understand I was just barely over 50 mph."
He said, "This stretch of road is posted 45 MPH." "The hazard sign back there warning of the blind intersection has a smaller sigh underneath with a 45 MPH speed limit posted."
I said, " I thought that was a recommended speed limit."
He said , "No that is a posted speed limit for the stretch of road from the sign passed the intersection."
I said, " I wasn't aware of that. I guess you learn something new everyday. What do you say today instead of you being a law enforcement officer you consider that today you are an educator.
He said, " I believe I could work that out."
So he went back to his patrol car and returned back and handed me a summons I asked, "What is this?"
He said, " The Price of Tuition."
Posted by grassman on Aug. 20 2010,7:41 pm
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' 'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this
answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
Posted by grassman on Aug. 20 2010,7:44 pm
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife. Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
Posted by grassman on Aug. 21 2010,10:02 am
I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point and was totally embarrassed.The last question was: "Where do most women have curly hair?" ....so I shouted out my answer.
Apparently the correct answer is: Africa.
Currently looking for a new Church to join.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 11 2010,11:50 am
A class of primary children started a class project to make a plant pot to take home. The teacher wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so it was decided to use cactus plants. The children were given greenware pottery in the style of a clown plant pot. They painted them with glaze and had them professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.
It was great fun. They planted the cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely.
Unfortunately, however, they were not allowed to take them home.
The cactus plants were removed, replaced with a small ivy, and the children were then allowed_to take them home.
The teacher said cactus seemed like such a good idea at the time...
Posted by Expatriate on Jan. 23 2011,3:51 pm
This has got to be one of the cleverestE-mails
Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Posted by grassman on Feb. 03 2011,11:17 am
Dump the male flight attendants.No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers.
What the hell ?
They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Posted by Glad I Left on Feb. 03 2011,1:19 pm
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 08 2011,11:18 am
some interesint body facts - The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
*** You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 08 2011,11:20 am
Redneck Problem Solved.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 08 2011,12:55 pm
If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport - you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam. And if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 08 2011,3:42 pm
Bored by their wild partying lifestyle Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan have turned into nuns. One day Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said,”It’s bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke,but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so Mother Superior doesn’t find them.”
Paris said, “I’ve found a marvelous invention called the condom, which really solves this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!”
Lindsay Lohan was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
“You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them.” The next day Lindsay Lohan went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. “Good morning, sister,” said the pharmacist.
“What can I do for you today?”
“I’d like some condoms, please,” said Lindsay Lohan. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,
“How many boxes would you like? There are twelve to a box.”
“I’ll take six boxes – that should last about a week,” she replied.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions,
but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, “Sister, what size condoms would you like – we have large, extra large, and big liar size.”
Lindsay Lohan thought for a minute, and finally said, “I’m not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel.”
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 12 2011,2:51 pm
What's the difference between ...an epileptic corn shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
one shucks between fits .....
Posted by grassman on Mar. 13 2011,12:32 pm
A Real Woman...A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his
most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in
the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and
invincible...
No wait...
Sorry. I'm thinking of whiskey.
It's whiskey that does all that sh*t. Never mind.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 16 2011,10:40 am
A man died trying to catch a thief who took a tip jar from a Starbucks in Missouri. Shocking isn't it? After paying their Starbucks bill, people have money left to tip.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 16 2011,10:42 am
I'm no marketing genius,but Viagra needs some pop-up ads.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 16 2011,10:58 am
A young lady who's hair color doesn't matter goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, '
I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'
The waitress says, 'That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'
But the young lady keeps on screaming,
I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'
Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome
because we didn't have that as a prize.
The young lady says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motorhome!'
And she hands the ticket to the
manager and HE reads...
'W I N A B A G E L'
Posted by GEOKARJO on Mar. 17 2011,11:34 am
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person:
A Quote From Harold
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is
converting beer, wine and vodka into urine.
I do it every day and I really enjoy it.
Harold is an inspiration to us all.
Posted by grassman on Mar. 18 2011,9:07 am
Croc found in the Minnesota River near Chaska
Posted by Expatriate on Mar. 28 2011,2:22 pm
Cows & Politics ExplainedA CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
Posted by the breeze on Mar. 28 2011,4:07 pm
THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLICOn their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'
In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 07 2011,1:26 pm
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen, but knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, however, he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that
he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit
into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense..
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address her discomfort, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story... Pay your bills.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 26 2011,12:29 pm
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Apr. 26 2011,12:59 pm
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Posted by Kool Aid on May 01 2011,9:33 am
Want to know who loves u more? Put your spouse and your dog in the trunk of a car and drive around for an hour. When you open the trunk, who's happy to see you? LOL.
Posted by Santorini on May 02 2011,6:52 pm
So this lady is complaining to her girlfriend that her husband comes home every night stinking drunk.She said I bitch and complain and yell and nothing works, he still comes home drunk every night, I dont know what to do.
Change your tactic her friend said.
Instead of yelling and screaming be nice and attentive, see if that works.
SO...
that night the hubby comes home stinking drunk as usual, only THIS time the wife meets him at the door, helps him sit in the easy-chair, puts his legs up on the foot stool, takes his shoes off and slips on his slippers. Then while she rubbs his shoulders she pecks him on the cheek and whispers in his ear;
Its getting late honey, we should probably go to bed.
He slurs but answers:
Might as well...Ill only get in trouble if I go home
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 04 2011,11:21 am
What could of happened?
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 04 2011,11:23 am
Found on Craig's List< For Sale Priced Cheap >
Posted by GEOKARJO on May 06 2011,1:05 pm
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 13 2011,11:24 am
Not one joke since May no wonder the natives are grouchy. Here is a good one...Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose
over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted
was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa
checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.
They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an
adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll
only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things
like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy
that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could
also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use
the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in
many different models. The top of the line, according to
the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a
book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She
was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll
took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during
the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone,
I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs
and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained
of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had
been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY
happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start
to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose
so the rest of the family could admire her when they came
over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer
her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the
fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.
It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last
Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about
who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when
suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom
in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew
around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose,
and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and
began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My
brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We
discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
restored her to perfect health!
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 13 2011,11:34 am
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian... The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 16 2011,2:55 pm
President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America!!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque"
Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. Wispectaclecktacule shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
Posted by GEOKARJO on Jul. 20 2011,10:57 am
Last year... after the Packers / Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards. During the Packers / Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb. Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.
During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick and another backup was needed.
After the Packers / Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips and most of his staff.
After the Packers / Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress and most of his staff.
Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach Mike Singletary and most of his staff were fired and replaced.
During the Bears Playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.
Here's the question... Is it just me, or did the Packers create more jobs last year than Obama?
Posted by Glad I Left on Jul. 20 2011,12:19 pm
Dear Employees : As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go. So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.. They voted for change...I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
Posted by MADDOG on Jul. 20 2011,1:48 pm
Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World & Barrack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.'
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Barrack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.'
The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.' Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped. The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.'
Posted by grassman on Jul. 20 2011,5:24 pm
Washington,DC.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Aug. 02 2011,5:54 pm
$5.37"That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change, when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.”
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
“Only $4.68,” he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I’ll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
“Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys, eh?”
I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. “Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!”
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn.
What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?”
All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here?” At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.”
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
He offered these kind words, “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.”
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Posted by GEOKARJO on Sep. 22 2011,1:02 pm
One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama"
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
Posted by the breeze on Sep. 23 2011,4:54 pm
MINNESOTA Declares War on the USAPresident Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama," a heavily accented Norwegian voice said. "'Dis here is Sven, over here at the Muni Liquor Store in Menahga , Minnesota . Ve don't like some a yer policies so I am callin' to tell ya that we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well, Sven," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Sven, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Knute my next-door-neighbor Ole, and the whole pool team from the Muni . "
Barack paused, "I must tell you Sven that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Sven, "I'll haf ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Sven called again. "Mr. Obama, da war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Sven?" Barack asked.
"Vell sir, ve got two combines, a bulldozer, and Sigurd's farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Sven, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"All right den, said Sven. "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Sven rang again the next day... "President Obama, da war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Ole's ultra-light vit a couple'a shotguns in da cockpit, and four boys from the coffee shop haf joined us as vell!"
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Sven, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Two million you say?," said Sven, "l'll haf' to call you back."
Sure enough, Sven called again the next day. "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Vell, sir," said Sven, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's yust no vay ve can feed two million prisoners."
MINNESOTA CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
Posted by grassman on Sep. 23 2011,5:56 pm
Yes, it can!
Posted by usmcr on Aug. 09 2012,4:19 pm
timely joke!a cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. the owner greeted him and told him to look around. the cannibal began to inspect the meat case & noticed the market specialized item of brain.
upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of the brain meats. a carpenters brain sells for $1.50 per lb., a plumbers brain sells for $2.25 per lb. he noticed with alarm that a politicians brain was selling for $375.00 per lb. with much curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
the owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a lb. of brains?
Posted by usmcr on Aug. 09 2012,4:29 pm
additional ipad use!i was visiting my daughter & son-in-law last night when i asked if i could borrow a newspaper.
"this is the 21st century." the son-in-law said. "we don't waste money on newspapers. here you can borrow my ipad."
i can tell you that fly never knew what hit him.
Posted by Self-Banished on Aug. 09 2012,5:08 pm
Still love my all time favorite punch line,Wrecked him? Damned near killed him!
Posted by Glad I Left on Oct. 16 2012,2:31 pm
I should have added this to ALCI's facebook page... errrr the Obama is smartest most honest (puke) page... but I didn't wanna contribute the ongoing diatribes of both sides...so I will just put it here... since it is a joke... kinda....
Posted by This is my real name on Oct. 26 2012,1:50 pm
I would like to share an experience with you all about drinking and driving. As you well know some of us have been known to have had rare brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some shots. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit I did something I’ve never done before… I took a bus home.
Sure enough, as it was a bus, they waved it through and I passed the DUI checkpoint.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it!
Posted by usmcr on Dec. 10 2012,11:08 am
Here's one for the golfers:a scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, it hits a sprinkler herd & careens off into the woods. he finds the ball but trees surround it. he is pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine iron & hits the ball as hard as he can. it bounces off a tree back at the golfers head & kills him.
he arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the pearly gates to greet him. looking up his records, God sees that the guy golfs & says "are you any good"?
the golfer looks at God and says, "i got here in two didn't I"!
Posted by usmcr on Dec. 10 2012,11:14 am
one for your Doctor!a pipe burst in a doctor's house. he called a plumber. the plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did a mysterious plumber-type things for awhile, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. the doctor exclaimed, "this is ridiculous! i don't even make that much as a doctor!" the plumber quietly answered, "neither did i when i was a doctor."
Posted by usmcr on Feb. 09 2013,11:35 am
Me & Leroy:a guy stopped at a local gas station,and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. he stood by his car and drank his cola and watched a couple of men working along side the road. one man would dig a hole about two or three feet deep and then move along. the other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. the men worked right on past the man with the cola and continued down the road. i can not stand this said the man as threw his can in the trash and heading down toward the men digging and filling the holes. hold it ,hold it he said to the men, can you tell me what is going on here with all the digging and filling of the holes? well, we work for the government and we are just doing our jobs! but one of you is digging the holes and the other is filling them up. you are not accomplishing anything! aren't you wasting taxpayers money? you do not understand mister, one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. normally there's three of us: me, elmer & leroy. i dig the hole, elmer sticks the tree in the hole & leroy here puts the dirt back in the hole covering the roots of the tree. elmers job has been cut so now it is just me & leroy!
Posted by grassman on Feb. 15 2013,4:11 pm