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| Post Number: 71
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GEOKARJO 
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: May 02 2007,11:43 am |
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I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, all of the Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have absolutely no idea how freaking good I feel right now!
Dang, that Dr. Phil is smart!
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| Post Number: 72
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: May 02 2007,12:47 pm |
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If Men Ruled the World
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
Mother's Day too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Garbage would take itself out.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Two words..."Ally McNaked".
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards
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| Post Number: 73
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MADDOG
Group: Moderator
Posts: 7821
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: May 03 2007,10:23 am |
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TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily
agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied
and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3
million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my
business!"
That's when she shot him.
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Actually my wife is especially happy when my google check arrives each month. Thanks to douchbags like you, I get paid just for getting you worked up. -Liberal
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| Post Number: 74
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MADDOG
Group: Moderator
Posts: 7821
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: May 03 2007,1:15 pm |
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10 Words That Don't Exist But Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8 PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
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Actually my wife is especially happy when my google check arrives each month. Thanks to douchbags like you, I get paid just for getting you worked up. -Liberal
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| Post Number: 75
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: May 16 2007,6:30 pm |
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The Blonde and the Deodorant
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
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| Post Number: 76
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usmcr
Group: Members
Posts: 922
Joined: Sep. 2003
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Posted on: May 17 2007,8:30 am |
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ole & lena: one for the fishermen!
one day ole died, so lena went down to the local newspaper to put in a obituary notice.
she told the ad person that she wanted the ad to say that ole died.
the ad person told her that the first five words were free.
lena being a conservative person thought for awhile & then figured it out.
she told the ad person ok then put in ole died, boat for sale!
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"Do not confuse dissent with disloyalty" Edward R Murrow
Memento homo quia pulvis es, et in pulverem veverteris
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| Post Number: 77
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usmcr
Group: Members
Posts: 922
Joined: Sep. 2003
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Posted on: May 17 2007,8:36 am |
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ole & lean: one for the newly weds!
ole & lena were on their way up the cities for their honeymoon.
about half way up there ole put his hand on lenas thigh.
lena got a little excited & said to ole, you can go a little further if you would like to.
so ole drove all the way to duluth!
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"Do not confuse dissent with disloyalty" Edward R Murrow
Memento homo quia pulvis es, et in pulverem veverteris
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| Post Number: 78
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This is my real name
Group: Members
Posts: 1468
Joined: Sep. 2006
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Posted on: May 25 2007,9:46 pm |
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Picture from a recent trip to New York. This eatery is located on the Boardwalk at Coney Island. Read the sign closely!
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PEZ the only candy you eat after your favorite fictional character spits it out of their tracheotomy hole.
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| Post Number: 79
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This is my real name
Group: Members
Posts: 1468
Joined: Sep. 2006
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Posted on: May 25 2007,9:47 pm |
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Of course, after that, you'll want to stop and get your rector cleaned. This photo was taken near Wall Street.
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PEZ the only candy you eat after your favorite fictional character spits it out of their tracheotomy hole.
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| Post Number: 80
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This is my real name
Group: Members
Posts: 1468
Joined: Sep. 2006
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Posted on: May 25 2007,9:50 pm |
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Where all the Morans hang out. Those of you familiar with FARK will get the humor in this one.
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PEZ the only candy you eat after your favorite fictional character spits it out of their tracheotomy hole.
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