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| Post Number: 41
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Wareagle11B 
Group: Members
Posts: 1457
Joined: Mar. 2004
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Posted on: Jan. 21 2007,7:44 pm |
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What do you call a SMart Blonde?
A GOLDEN RETRIEVER 
Attached Image
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I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very much about what I think of what I do! That is character!
Teddy Roosevelt
www.warriorlegacyfoundation.org
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| Post Number: 42
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bianca
Group: Members
Posts: 1882
Joined: Dec. 2006
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Posted on: Jan. 23 2007,3:04 am |
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MOST OF US CAN RELATE TO THE WAY IT WAS AND HOW IT IS NOW TIMES ARE CHANGING
Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun
rack.
1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jailand never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by
Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad
gives him a whipping.
1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes tocollege, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to
foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.
1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by Hispanic community. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1973 - Ants die.
2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.
1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.
All in the name of progress!
Enjoy your day. 
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I believe in the patriotism and energy and initiative of the average man. Woodrow Wilson
Early in life, I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. — Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
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| Post Number: 43
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ICU812
Group: Super Administrators
Posts: 3244
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Feb. 02 2007,7:12 pm |
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The lawyer & the farmer
> A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Ohio. He shot and dropped
> a duck, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
>
> As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
> tractor and asked him what he was doing.
>
> The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
> now I'm going to retrieve it."
>
> The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
> over here."
>
> The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
> United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
> take everything you own."
>
> The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
> settle disputes in Ohio. We settle small disagreements like this with
> the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
>
> The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
>
> The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurred on my land,
> first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on
> back and forth until someone gives up."
>
> The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
> that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
> local custom.
>
> The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
> the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed
> work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His
> second kick to the midriff then made the lawyer lose his early morning
> breakfast. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to
> his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
>
> The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
> feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now
> it's my turn."
>
> The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the
> duck."
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| Post Number: 44
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Bird Watcher
Group: Members
Posts: 106
Joined: Jan. 2007
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Posted on: Feb. 03 2007,9:23 am |
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A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
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"The boy's about as sharp as a bowling ball." - Foghorn Leghorn
"I hear you changed your mind at last! What did you do with the diaper?" - Anon.
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| Post Number: 45
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Bird Watcher
Group: Members
Posts: 106
Joined: Jan. 2007
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Posted on: Feb. 03 2007,10:02 am |
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I just received this via email. Sounds like a damn good idea to me. Think I'll call the IRS. 
Becoming Illegal (From a Maryland resident to his senator)
The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC, 20510
Dear Senator Sarbanes,
As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal
Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have
contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to
determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen
to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by
the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this
bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States
for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000
fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a
good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process
started before everyone figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay
taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two
years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way
that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an
excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes
in 2004 and 2005.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local
emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have
stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant
figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status
would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment
relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many
colleges throughout the United States for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the
burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car
insurance premiums . This is very important to me given that I still have
college age children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become
illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary
forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent,
Pete McGlaughlin
Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service
1-800-289-1040. Please pass this onto your friends so they
can save on this great offer!!!!
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"The boy's about as sharp as a bowling ball." - Foghorn Leghorn
"I hear you changed your mind at last! What did you do with the diaper?" - Anon.
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| Post Number: 46
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Feb. 06 2007,6:46 pm |
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Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that
they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so
Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely
walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I
want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just
the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.
Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about
it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can
both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr.
Smith
says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old
enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce
instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I
make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do
us just fine." By this time, Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce
has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to
come
up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second,
Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all
figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do
if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Bruce just
shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little chit is adorable.
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| Post Number: 47
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ICU812
Group: Super Administrators
Posts: 3244
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Feb. 14 2007,7:27 am |
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My Daddy the Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men, and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No", the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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| Post Number: 48
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bianca
Group: Members
Posts: 1882
Joined: Dec. 2006
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Posted on: Feb. 28 2007,3:11 pm |
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New Office Policy
Dress Code:
- You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
- If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
- If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
- If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. 
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed
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I believe in the patriotism and energy and initiative of the average man. Woodrow Wilson
Early in life, I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. — Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
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| Post Number: 49
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bianca
Group: Members
Posts: 1882
Joined: Dec. 2006
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Posted on: Feb. 28 2007,3:24 pm |
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LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her
cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
FAMILY:
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_
DRIVING:
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
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I believe in the patriotism and energy and initiative of the average man. Woodrow Wilson
Early in life, I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. — Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
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| Post Number: 50
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 07 2007,11:03 am |
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2 questions
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here
are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for?
Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist.
He's
had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a
day.
Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be our choice?
Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said
YES, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more
than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to
keep the rest of us in line.
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