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| Post Number: 21
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jimhanson 
Group: Moderator
Posts: 8491
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Sep. 01 2006,6:24 pm |
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Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president. The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed. "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him. The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there was no oil!"
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"If you want to anger a Conservative, tell him a lie. If you want to anger a LIBERAL, tell him the TRUTH!"
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| Post Number: 22
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jimhanson
Group: Moderator
Posts: 8491
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Sep. 01 2006,6:31 pm |
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The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC, 2051
Dear Senator Sarbanes,
As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue
Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the
Immigration and Naturalization Service in an effort to determine the
process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal
alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for
which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is
accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five
years, what I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and
income taxes for three of the last five years.
I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process
started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who
have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited
about the prospect of avoiding two years of the last five years taxes in
return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to
be illegal retroactively?
This would
yield an excellent return for me and my family because we paid heavy
taxes in
2004 and 2005 and I estimated a gross savings approximating $72,000.
After
the fine this would yield me a net savings of $70,000.
In addition, I would reap the other benefits of being an illegal alien
such as free healthcare, avoidance of paying Social Security taxes,
buying automobile insurance, serving on jury panels, etc.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal
(retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would
be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent,
Pete McGlaughlin
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"If you want to anger a Conservative, tell him a lie. If you want to anger a LIBERAL, tell him the TRUTH!"
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| Post Number: 23
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fauxtweet
Group: Members
Posts: 764
Joined: Sep. 2004
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Posted on: Sep. 05 2006,9:53 pm |
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Subject: Politically correct additions...
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be
referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore ....
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF
THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - S he is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
COMPANION."
5. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
6. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED"
7. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY
ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES
ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He p refers "GENERATIONAL
DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP
CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's
"REAR CLEAVAGE "
Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to
make it more comfortable for the rest of us.
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We CAN make a difference, a little attitude can go a long way!
Writing Letters to the Editor is good therapy....if you are frustrated with community leaders share your thoughts, you'll find that you are not alone. Change happens in numbers!
Don't be afraid of change for the better.
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| Post Number: 24
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| Post Number: 25
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Looking_In
Group: Members
Posts: 70
Joined: Sep. 2006
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Posted on: Sep. 07 2006,2:59 pm |
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Power of Deduction
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
 
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| Post Number: 26
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ICU812
Group: Super Administrators
Posts: 3244
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Oct. 30 2006,11:35 am |
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xxx
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| Post Number: 27
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Mamma
Group: Members
Posts: 1474
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Oct. 31 2006,6:59 am |
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What do they do for Halloween in Arkansas?.......................PUMPKIN!
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A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
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| Post Number: 28
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cheeba
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Group: Members
Posts: 470
Joined: Dec. 2004
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Posted on: Oct. 31 2006,10:21 am |
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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
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| Post Number: 29
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Gabe
Group: Members
Posts: 43
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Oct. 31 2006,11:16 pm |
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Just interesting Facts.....
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
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| Post Number: 30
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Wareagle11B
Group: Members
Posts: 1457
Joined: Mar. 2004
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Posted on: Nov. 09 2006,6:21 pm |
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Bob Hope
Click on the Here it is link and enjoy a good laugh. Bob Hope was definitely one of a kind.
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I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very much about what I think of what I do! That is character!
Teddy Roosevelt
www.warriorlegacyfoundation.org
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