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| Post Number: 61
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bianca 
Group: Members
Posts: 1882
Joined: Dec. 2006
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Posted on: Apr. 05 2007,6:52 am |
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If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." 
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
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I believe in the patriotism and energy and initiative of the average man. Woodrow Wilson
Early in life, I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. — Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
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| Post Number: 62
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usmcr
Group: Members
Posts: 922
Joined: Sep. 2003
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Posted on: Apr. 06 2007,1:37 pm |
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How To Get Ahead At Work:
What is 100% effort?
what does it mean to give more than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here is a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
if: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
is repesented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
then:
HARDWORK (8+1+18++4+23+15+18+11)=98%
AND
KNOWLEDGE (11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5)=96%
BUT,
ATTITUDE (1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5)= 100%
HOWEVER,
BULLcrap (2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20)=103%
AND NOW LOOK HOW FAR ASS KISSING WILL GET YOU!
ASSKISSING (1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7)=127%
So one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work & knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullcrap & ass kissing that will put you over the top!
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"Do not confuse dissent with disloyalty" Edward R Murrow
Memento homo quia pulvis es, et in pulverem veverteris
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| Post Number: 63
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ICU812
Group: Super Administrators
Posts: 3244
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Apr. 11 2007,8:47 am |
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Here is a picture from some SPAM I received.
Does the damn thing really look "discreet"?
Attached Image
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| Post Number: 64
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bianca
Group: Members
Posts: 1882
Joined: Dec. 2006
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Posted on: Apr. 19 2007,5:49 am |
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Subject: Fw: Airline Personnel
The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Ed, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit."
"It's The Box Office."
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I believe in the patriotism and energy and initiative of the average man. Woodrow Wilson
Early in life, I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. — Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
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| Post Number: 65
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Apr. 21 2007,10:13 pm |
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As we all know the skunks have gotten bad in Albert Lea and the city counsel advertised for someone to rid the city of the skunks, A few weeks ago a fellow showed up at city hall and offered to rid the city of skunks for free. Mayor Erdman gave the felllow the go ahead and so this guy drives out to the edge of town gets out of his truck and uncages a blue skunk. Before you know it every skunk in town gathers around this blue skunk and the blue skunk started walking out of town toward Iowa with every skunk in town following it. After a coulple of days the blue skunk returned to the old mans truck and not another skunk in site.
Mayor Erdman was impressed and thank the old man. The Mayor said that was a great service you provided but I have one question.
The old man stopped Mayor Erdman and said " I promised to remove your skunks for free but questions will cost you $5,000 each."
Mayor Erdman allocated the money from the general fund and asked his question.
"Do you have a Blue Liberal Activist".
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| Post Number: 66
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MADDOG
Group: Moderator
Posts: 7821
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Apr. 23 2007,12:03 pm |
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I'm a white boy
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking.
He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.
"Mom, look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and
says, "Go show your father."
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a
white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, Go show your
grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Mira, abuelita,
I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him
back to his mother. His mother says, "See. Did you learn anything from
that?"
The boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes
and already I don't like you Mexicans."
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Actually my wife is especially happy when my google check arrives each month. Thanks to douchbags like you, I get paid just for getting you worked up. -Liberal
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| Post Number: 67
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: May 02 2007,11:15 am |
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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| Post Number: 68
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: May 02 2007,11:22 am |
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In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab
the fish!!"
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and
that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, “Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly .. and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter
shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse.. The mouse ducks...The cat falls into
the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
some pussy is in serious danger.
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| Post Number: 69
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: May 02 2007,11:27 am |
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Ten Pack Weiner Roaster
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| Post Number: 70
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: May 02 2007,11:36 am |
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Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.
The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”
The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”
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