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This is my real name 
Group: Members
Posts: 1468
Joined: Sep. 2006
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Posted on: May 28 2007,9:10 am |
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Here's a local one my wife spotted the other day. Funny how the removal of one letter of from a sign can give it a completely different meaning.
By the way, if you like seeing funny pictures like this, check out I Love Bacon. They have new pictures five days a week.
Attached Image
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PEZ the only candy you eat after your favorite fictional character spits it out of their tracheotomy hole.
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| Post Number: 82
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: May 30 2007,10:13 pm |
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SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap"
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
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| Post Number: 83
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usmcr
Group: Members
Posts: 922
Joined: Sep. 2003
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Posted on: Jul. 06 2007,11:15 am |
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Special gift for the teacher:
on the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
the florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
the candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
then the liquor owner's son brought up a big heavy box.
the teacher lifted it up and noticed it was leaking a little bit.
she touched a drop of the liquid with her fingers and tasted it.
'is it wine?" she guessed.
'no" the boy replied.
she tasted another drop and asked, "champagne?"
after another taste she asked, "irish whiskey?"
"no" said the little boy.... "it's a puppy!"
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"Do not confuse dissent with disloyalty" Edward R Murrow
Memento homo quia pulvis es, et in pulverem veverteris
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| Post Number: 84
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bianca
Group: Members
Posts: 1882
Joined: Dec. 2006
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Posted on: Jul. 06 2007,11:36 pm |
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Subject: Refund
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex
therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? "
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely
nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good-bye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems and seemingly are really enjoying themselves.He then pays the doctor, and they leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you
trying to find out through The aid of my services?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to My house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do It here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"
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I believe in the patriotism and energy and initiative of the average man. Woodrow Wilson
Early in life, I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. — Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
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| Post Number: 85
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usmcr
Group: Members
Posts: 922
Joined: Sep. 2003
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Posted on: Jul. 08 2007,6:53 pm |
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Retrograde----- Taking it to a new level!
In my next life------
I want to live my next life backwards.
You start out dead & get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a old age home feeling better every day.
Eventually you get kicked out for being to healthy;then go collect your pension. When you start work, you get a gold watch the first day on the job. You work 40 years until your young enough to enjoy retirement. You drink alcohol, party; your generally promiscuous, and you get ready for high school. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then --- You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then---- you finish off your life as an orgasm!
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"Do not confuse dissent with disloyalty" Edward R Murrow
Memento homo quia pulvis es, et in pulverem veverteris
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| Post Number: 86
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usmcr
Group: Members
Posts: 922
Joined: Sep. 2003
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Posted on: Sep. 08 2007,8:11 pm |
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All Drinks 10 cents!
four retired guys were walking down the street in Ocala, Flordia, when they saw a sign that read " old timers bar: all drinks ten cents!" they looked at each other, & went in, thinking it was to good to be true.
the old bartender said in a voice that carried across the room, " come on in & let me pour one for you! what'll it be gentleman?" all four asked for a martini. in short order, the bartender served up four iced martinis, shaken, not stirred, and said, " that will be 10 cents each, please." the four men stared at the bartender for a moment, looked at each other , then quickly paid 40 cents.
after a second round, sill at the same price, their curiosity got the best of them. finally, one of the men asked, "how can you afford to serve martinis as good as these, for only a dime a piece?"
"well i'm a retired tailor from boston, and i always wanted to own a bar. last year i hit the lott3ery for $50 million and decided to move to florida and open this place. every drink costs a dime, be it wine, liquor or beer.
" wow thats quite the story" replied one of the men. as they continued to sip their martinis, they couldn't help but notice the other three guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything all the while they were in the bar.
one of them gestured toward the men with no drinks and asked the bartender, " whats with them?" "oh, they're democrats," he replied " they are waiting for happy hour at 5 o'clock when the drinks are half price."
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"Do not confuse dissent with disloyalty" Edward R Murrow
Memento homo quia pulvis es, et in pulverem veverteris
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| Post Number: 87
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usmcr
Group: Members
Posts: 922
Joined: Sep. 2003
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Posted on: Sep. 08 2007,8:24 pm |
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Ole got it figured out!
after having dug to the depth of 15 feet last year a scottish scientist found traces of copper wire which dated his ancestors with having had a telephone system 150 years ago,
not to be out done by the scotts a italian scientist dug down 30 feet & found traces of copper wire that was 200 years old. which made that 50 years older than the scotts.
Ole up in embarass, minnesota who was a self taught scientist dug down to a depth of 50 feet & found absolutely nothing.
Ole concluded that 300 years ago that the Norwegians were using wireless communication!
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"Do not confuse dissent with disloyalty" Edward R Murrow
Memento homo quia pulvis es, et in pulverem veverteris
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| Post Number: 88
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Sep. 17 2007,1:56 pm |
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She was Soooooooooooo Blonde....
Body: She was Soooooooooooo Blonde....
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
She was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she wrote "Hooked On Phonics."
* She asked for a price check at the dollar store.
* It took her two hours to watch '60 Minutes'.
She was Soooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She was Soooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She was SoooooooooooooooooooooooooBlonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
AND...One of my favorites....:
She was Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She thought Taco Bell was the Mexican telephone company
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| Post Number: 89
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Sep. 17 2007,2:15 pm |
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A new, young MD. doing his residency in OB , was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. A middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing an exam suddenly burst out laughing embarrassing him even more. Looking up from his work he sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
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| Post Number: 90
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Sep. 17 2007,2:16 pm |
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Judi decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Judi: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Judi: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'."
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