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| Post Number: 11
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jimhanson 
Group: Moderator
Posts: 8491
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Aug. 07 2006,11:34 am |
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A man walked into a very high-tec bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc.......
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked And asked what he would have? "A Martini please."
Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??
This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked , "A-r-e? y-o-u-r? p-e-o-p-l-e??? g-o-i-n-g? t-o?? n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e? H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?
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"If you want to anger a Conservative, tell him a lie. If you want to anger a LIBERAL, tell him the TRUTH!"
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| Post Number: 12
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concerned
Group: Members
Posts: 139
Joined: Jun. 2005
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Posted on: Aug. 07 2006,12:08 pm |
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When two people always think alike, one of them isn't necessary.
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| Post Number: 13
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concerned
Group: Members
Posts: 139
Joined: Jun. 2005
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Posted on: Aug. 07 2006,12:09 pm |
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Political Science for Dummies
>
> DEMOCRATIC
> You have two cows.
> Your neighbor has none.
> You feel guilty for being successful.
> Barbara Streisand sings for you.
>
> REPUBLICAN
> You have two cows.
> Your neighbor has none.
> So?
>
> SOCIALIST
> You have two cows.
> The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
> You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
>
> COMMUNIST
> You have two cows.
> The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
> You wait in line for hours to get it.
> It is expensive and sour.
>
> CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
> You have two cows.
> You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
>
> BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
> You have two cows.
> Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk
> the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
>
> AMERICAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
> You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
> surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
> analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your
> stock goes up.
>
> FRENCH CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You go on strike because you want three cows.
> You go to lunch and drink wine.
> Life is good.
>
> JAPANESE CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
> and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on
> unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow
> school.
>
> GERMAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
> excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately
> they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
>
> ITALIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
> While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
> You break for lunch.
> Life is good.
>
> RUSSIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You have some vodka.
> You count them and learn you have five cows.
> You have some more vodka.
> You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
>
> TALIBAN CORPORATION
> You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
> You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
> parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
> alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
>
> IRAQI CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> They go into hiding.
> They send radio tapes of their mooing.
>
> POLISH CORPORATION
> You have two bulls.
> Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
>
> BELGIAN CORPORATION
> You have one cow.
> The cow is schizophrenic.
> Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The
> Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants
> control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut
> in half. The cow dies happy.
>
> FLORIDA CORPORATION
> You have a black cow and a brown cow.
> Everyone votes for the best looking one.
> Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
> vote for the black one. Some people vote for both.
> Some people vote for neither.
> Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
> Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you
> think is the best-looking cow.
>
> CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
> You have millions of cows.
> They make real California cheese.
> Only five speak English.
> Most are illegals.
> Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
>
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When two people always think alike, one of them isn't necessary.
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| Post Number: 14
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Aug. 07 2006,2:35 pm |
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9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their butts to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". You got that right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it?
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hey?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, brighteyes?
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| Post Number: 15
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jimhanson
Group: Moderator
Posts: 8491
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Aug. 08 2006,4:05 pm |
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Received this E-mail. According to Snopes.com, it is not true--but it makes for interesting reading. It was part of a SALON magazine contest. And WHO SAYS there is nothing intellectually stimulating on the Forum?
Here are 14 actual error messages seen on the computer screens in Japan,
some are written in Haiku.
Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation"?
The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
but we never will.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
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"If you want to anger a Conservative, tell him a lie. If you want to anger a LIBERAL, tell him the TRUTH!"
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| Post Number: 16
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jimhanson
Group: Moderator
Posts: 8491
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Aug. 14 2006,1:28 pm |
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THE POPE GOES TO ALASKA
>
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising
along a campground in the Pope mobile when there was a
frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
>
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a
"Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt,
was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around
trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.
>
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers
came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's
chest... the other two reached up and pulled the bleeding,
semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long
clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them
threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly
placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
>
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them
to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!"
He told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between
Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but
now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
>
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who
was that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct
contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he
sure don't know nothin' about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding
up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?"
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"If you want to anger a Conservative, tell him a lie. If you want to anger a LIBERAL, tell him the TRUTH!"
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| Post Number: 17
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jimhanson
Group: Moderator
Posts: 8491
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Aug. 19 2006,11:36 am |
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The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of
actual police car videos around the country.
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In
case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a
9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess
that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh . did I mention that I am the shift
supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a
cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step
in monkey DOO."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to
have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many
tickets as we want."
#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal
friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post
your bail."
And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? . .
You're right, we don't . . . Sign here.
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"If you want to anger a Conservative, tell him a lie. If you want to anger a LIBERAL, tell him the TRUTH!"
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| Post Number: 18
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jimhanson
Group: Moderator
Posts: 8491
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Aug. 19 2006,3:31 pm |
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The US Navy welcomed the latest member of its fleet today.
Pictured below:
The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver, BC. The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton "for his foresight in military budget cuts" and his conduct while president. The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which although they cannot be launched or captured on the 100 foot flight deck but form a very menacing presence.
As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board. The 20-person crew is completely diversified and includes members of all races, creeds, sex and sexual orientation. This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.
An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may sound hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
The ship's purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defense - but instead in times of conflict the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada. The ship may be positioned near the Democratic National Party Headquarters for photo-ops and can be used extensively for social experimentation, and whatever other worthless jobs, the ex-commander-in-chief and his wife can think of. It is largely rumored that the ship will also be the set for the upcoming season of MTV's "The Real World".
The ship was renamed and commissioned USS William J Clinton when someone realized the USS Blowfish was already taken.
Attached Image
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"If you want to anger a Conservative, tell him a lie. If you want to anger a LIBERAL, tell him the TRUTH!"
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| Post Number: 19
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grassman
Group: Members
Posts: 3858
Joined: Mar. 2006
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Posted on: Aug. 22 2006,11:52 pm |
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George says."YUP We'll spy on em and and keep an eye on em and and throw stuff at em and and we will take them out! By golly! YUP! YUP!
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git er done!
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| Post Number: 20
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Aug. 31 2006,10:45 am |
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On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.
One button at a time...
No one moves.......
He removes his shirt.......
Muscles ripple across his chest........
She gasps......
He whispers............
"Iron this...then get me a beer."
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