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| Post Number: 1
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Spidey 
Group: Members
Posts: 1775
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Jun. 28 2006,6:02 pm |
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It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to
fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet",
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix
the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review
the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some of the actual complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked P) and
the solutions recorded (marked S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P:&am p;nb sp; DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. sounds like a midget
pounding on something with hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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| Post Number: 2
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n0esc
Group: Members
Posts: 206
Joined: Feb. 2004
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Posted on: Jun. 30 2006,9:14 am |
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AT THE WALL
Bill Clinton, John Kerry, and George W. Bush face a firing squad in a
Small Central American country.
Bill Clinton is first placed against the wall,and just before the order
to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!" The firing squad falls
into a panic and Bill jumps over the wall and escapes in the confusion.
John Kerry is the second one placed against the wall. The squad is
reassembled and John ponders what his old pal Bill has done. Before the
order to shoot is given, John yells, "Tornado!" Again, the squad falls
apart and Kerry slips over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He is
thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop
over the wall." As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles
raise in his direction, he grins his famous smirk and yells, "Fire!"
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Psst..! If you were to read 120 words per minute for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, it would take you 3 years, 4 months, 26 days, 4 hours, 12 minutes, and 59.7 seconds to read all 50 titles of the US Code. Remember--ignorance is no excuse to the law. Pass it on...
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| Post Number: 3
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SimpleLife
Group: Members
Posts: 332
Joined: Sep. 2005
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Posted on: Jun. 30 2006,10:31 am |
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Won't somebody please think of the children!
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| Post Number: 4
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Jul. 05 2006,12:14 am |
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A United States Soldier was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes wentby and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Soldier and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Soldier calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid crap and act like an jerk. ................So, He sent me."
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| Post Number: 5
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Jul. 07 2006,3:20 pm |
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Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. "I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you, " says the game warden.
"That's true but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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| Post Number: 6
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usmcr
Group: Members
Posts: 922
Joined: Sep. 2003
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Posted on: Jul. 13 2006,2:10 pm |
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Better than a Rolex!
a guy from newfounland is sitting at the bar in New York City & looks at his watch severl times in the space of a few minutes. a woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "is your date running late?"
"no" he replies, " i have this state of the art watch. i was just testing it."
the intrigued woman asks, "a state of the art watch? what is so special about it?"
the newfoundler explains, " it uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
the lady asks "what is it telling you now?'
"Well it is says that you are not wearing any panties."
the woman giggles and replies, " well it must be broken because i am wearing panties!"
the newfoundler smirks, taps his watch and says, bloody thing's running about an hour fast ... can i buy you a drink?"
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"Do not confuse dissent with disloyalty" Edward R Murrow
Memento homo quia pulvis es, et in pulverem veverteris
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| Post Number: 7
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usmcr
Group: Members
Posts: 922
Joined: Sep. 2003
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Posted on: Jul. 13 2006,6:57 pm |
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San Francisco Rats
a tourist walks into a curio shop in s.f. looking around at the exotia, he notices a very life like bronze statue of a rat. it has no price tag, but it is so striking he decides he must have it. he takes it to the owner: "how much for the bronze rat?" "$12 for the rat & $100 for the story," says the owner. the man gives the owner $12. "i'll just take the rat you can keep the story."
as he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys & sewers & begun to following him down the street. this is disconcerting & he begins walking faster. but within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, & they begin squealing. he begins to trot toward the bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, & they are squealing & coming after him faster & faster.
concerned, even scared, he runs to the middle of the golden gate bridge & throws the bronze rat as far out in the bay as he could. amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the bay after it, & all are drowned. the man walks back to the curio shop. "ah ha" says the owner," you came back for the story?" "no" says the man, "i came back to see if you had a bronze republican."
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"Do not confuse dissent with disloyalty" Edward R Murrow
Memento homo quia pulvis es, et in pulverem veverteris
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| Post Number: 8
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Jul. 20 2006,9:29 pm |
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1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
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| Post Number: 9
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Jul. 26 2006,2:25 pm |
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Harry is getting along in years and
finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his
doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor
refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I
can cure this." With that said, he throws a whitepowder in a flame, and
there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is
powerful medicine but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is
say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then
asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The
medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it
will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another
year." Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.That
night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his
most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is
lying next to her, he says, "123" and suddenly he becomes more aroused
than anytime in his life, just as the medicine manhad promised. His wife,
who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What didyou
say 123 for?"
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| Post Number: 10
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