|
|
| Post Number: 701
|
the breeze 
Group: Members
Posts: 1154
Joined: May 2009
|
 |
Posted on: Mar. 28 2011,4:07 pm |
|
   |
THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'
In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?
--------------
JESUS DID THE ORGANIZING for His church and whenever men go beyond that pattern (found only in the New Testament of Jesus Christ) they do so at their own peril. One needs to only read the New Testament to see the problem that has been created over the last two centuries within the churches.
|
 |
|
|
| Post Number: 702
|
GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
|
|
Posted on: Apr. 07 2011,1:26 pm |
|
 |
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen, but knew that the penalty for his
desire would be death should he try to touch them, however, he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that
he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit
into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense..
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address her discomfort, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story... Pay your bills.
|
|
|
|
| Post Number: 703
|
GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
|
|
Posted on: Apr. 26 2011,12:29 pm |
|
|
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."
|
|
|
|
| Post Number: 704
|
GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
|
|
Posted on: Apr. 26 2011,12:59 pm |
|
|
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
|
|
|
|
| Post Number: 705
|
Kool Aid
Group: Members
Posts: 103
Joined: Apr. 2011
|
|
Posted on: May 01 2011,9:33 am |
|
|
Want to know who loves u more? Put your spouse and your dog in the trunk of a car and drive around for an hour. When you open the trunk, who's happy to see you? LOL. 
--------------
Don't drink the Albert Lea Kool Aid it will kill you.
|
|
|
|
| Post Number: 706
|
Santorini
Group: Members
Posts: 2015
Joined: Nov. 2007
|
|
Posted on: May 02 2011,6:52 pm |
|
|
So this lady is complaining to her girlfriend that her husband comes home every night stinking drunk.
She said I bitch and complain and yell and nothing works, he still comes home drunk every night, I dont know what to do.
Change your tactic her friend said.
Instead of yelling and screaming be nice and attentive, see if that works.
SO...
that night the hubby comes home stinking drunk as usual, only THIS time the wife meets him at the door, helps him sit in the easy-chair, puts his legs up on the foot stool, takes his shoes off and slips on his slippers. Then while she rubbs his shoulders she pecks him on the cheek and whispers in his ear;
Its getting late honey, we should probably go to bed.
He slurs but answers:
Might as well...Ill only get in trouble if I go home 
--------------
"Things turn out best for those who make the best
of the way things turned out." Jack Buck
|
|
|
|
| Post Number: 707
|
GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
|
|
Posted on: May 04 2011,11:21 am |
|
|
What could of happened?
Attached Image
|
|
|
|
| Post Number: 708
|
GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
|
|
Posted on: May 04 2011,11:23 am |
|
|
Found on Craig's List
For Sale Priced Cheap
|
|
|
|
| Post Number: 709
|
GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
|
|
Posted on: May 06 2011,1:05 pm |
|
|
Attached Image
|
|
|
|
| Post Number: 710
|
GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
|
|
Posted on: Jul. 13 2011,11:24 am |
|
|
Not one joke since May no wonder the natives are grouchy. Here is a good one...
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose
over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted
was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa
checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.
They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an
adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll
only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things
like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy
that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could
also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use
the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in
many different models. The top of the line, according to
the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a
book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She
was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll
took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during
the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone,
I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs
and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained
of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had
been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY
happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start
to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose
so the rest of the family could admire her when they came
over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer
her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the
fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.
It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last
Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about
who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when
suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom
in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew
around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose,
and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and
began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My
brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We
discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
restored her to perfect health!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
