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| Post Number: 691
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GEOKARJO 
Google This!!!
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Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 08 2011,12:55 pm |
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If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport - you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam. And if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.
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| Post Number: 692
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
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Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 08 2011,3:42 pm |
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Bored by their wild partying lifestyle Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan have turned into nuns.
One day Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said,”It’s bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke,but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so Mother Superior doesn’t find them.”
Paris said, “I’ve found a marvelous invention called the condom, which really solves this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!”
Lindsay Lohan was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
“You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them.” The next day Lindsay Lohan went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. “Good morning, sister,” said the pharmacist.
“What can I do for you today?”
“I’d like some condoms, please,” said Lindsay Lohan. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,
“How many boxes would you like? There are twelve to a box.”
“I’ll take six boxes – that should last about a week,” she replied.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions,
but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, “Sister, what size condoms would you like – we have large, extra large, and big liar size.”
Lindsay Lohan thought for a minute, and finally said, “I’m not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel.”
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| Post Number: 693
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 12 2011,2:51 pm |
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What's the difference between ...
an epileptic corn shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
one shucks between fits ..... 
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| Post Number: 694
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grassman
Group: Members
Posts: 3858
Joined: Mar. 2006
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Posted on: Mar. 13 2011,12:32 pm |
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A Real Woman...
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his
most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in
the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and
invincible...
No wait...
Sorry. I'm thinking of whiskey.
It's whiskey that does all that sh*t. Never mind.
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git er done!
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| Post Number: 695
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 16 2011,10:40 am |
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A man died trying to catch a thief who took a tip jar from a Starbucks in Missouri. Shocking isn't it? After paying their Starbucks bill, people have money left to tip.
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| Post Number: 696
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 16 2011,10:42 am |
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I'm no marketing genius,but Viagra needs some pop-up ads.
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| Post Number: 697
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 16 2011,10:58 am |
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A young lady who's hair color doesn't matter goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, '
I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'
The waitress says, 'That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'
But the young lady keeps on screaming,
I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'
Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome
because we didn't have that as a prize.
The young lady says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motorhome!'
And she hands the ticket to the
manager and HE reads...
'W I N A B A G E L'
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| Post Number: 698
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 17 2011,11:34 am |
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As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Schlumberg is such a person:
A Quote From Harold
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is
converting beer, wine and vodka into urine.
I do it every day and I really enjoy it.
Harold is an inspiration to us all.
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| Post Number: 699
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grassman
Group: Members
Posts: 3858
Joined: Mar. 2006
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Posted on: Mar. 18 2011,9:07 am |
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Croc found in the Minnesota River near Chaska
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git er done!
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| Post Number: 700
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Expatriate
Group: Members
Posts: 16934
Joined: Oct. 2004
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Posted on: Mar. 28 2011,2:22 pm |
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Cows & Politics Explained
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
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History is no more than the lies agreed upon by the victors.
~NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
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