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| Post Number: 681
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GEOKARJO 
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Jun. 08 2010,10:42 am |
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True Story...
It was 1995 and I was supplementing my income, while off for the summer from my university job, by hauling minnows for Dave Palmer and Greg Oswald.
Palmer's Barn located in Hayward and Oswald's Barn located north of Geneva, I would drive county road 30. Just as you cross over the I-90 bridge on county road 30 there is a hazard sign that warns of a blind intersection ahead with a smaller yellow sign below, 45 MPH. I had traveled that road many times heading north to Geneva and once you hit the bridge in that old minnow truck you were lucky to get up to 55. This one particular day it happened a Deputy Sheriff was behind me and pulled me over.
The deputy walked up to the truck and ask to see my required forms and license, then he asked, "What is your hurry ?"
I said, "I didn't understand I was just barely over 50 mph."
He said, "This stretch of road is posted 45 MPH." "The hazard sign back there warning of the blind intersection has a smaller sigh underneath with a 45 MPH speed limit posted."
I said, " I thought that was a recommended speed limit."
He said , "No that is a posted speed limit for the stretch of road from the sign passed the intersection."
I said, " I wasn't aware of that. I guess you learn something new everyday. What do you say today instead of you being a law enforcement officer you consider that today you are an educator.
He said, " I believe I could work that out."
So he went back to his patrol car and returned back and handed me a summons I asked, "What is this?"
He said, " The Price of Tuition."
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| Post Number: 682
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grassman
Group: Members
Posts: 3858
Joined: Mar. 2006
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Posted on: Aug. 20 2010,7:41 pm |
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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this
answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
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git er done!
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| Post Number: 683
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grassman
Group: Members
Posts: 3858
Joined: Mar. 2006
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Posted on: Aug. 20 2010,7:44 pm |
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Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
Attached Image
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git er done!
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| Post Number: 684
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grassman
Group: Members
Posts: 3858
Joined: Mar. 2006
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Posted on: Aug. 21 2010,10:02 am |
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I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point and was totally embarrassed.
The last question was: "Where do most women have curly hair?" ....so I shouted out my answer.
Apparently the correct answer is: Africa.
Currently looking for a new Church to join.
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git er done!
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| Post Number: 685
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Sep. 11 2010,11:50 am |
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A class of primary children started a class project to make a plant pot to take home. The teacher wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so it was decided to use cactus plants.
The children were given greenware pottery in the style of a clown plant pot. They painted them with glaze and had them professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.
It was great fun. They planted the cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely.
Unfortunately, however, they were not allowed to take them home.
The cactus plants were removed, replaced with a small ivy, and the children were then allowed_to take them home.
The teacher said cactus seemed like such a good idea at the time...
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| Post Number: 686
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Expatriate
Group: Members
Posts: 16934
Joined: Oct. 2004
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Posted on: Jan. 23 2011,3:51 pm |
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This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails
Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
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History is no more than the lies agreed upon by the victors.
~NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
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| Post Number: 687
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grassman
Group: Members
Posts: 3858
Joined: Mar. 2006
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Posted on: Feb. 03 2011,11:17 am |
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Dump the male flight attendants.
No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers.
What the hell ?
They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
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git er done!
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| Post Number: 688
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Glad I Left
Group: Members
Posts: 2306
Joined: Aug. 2005
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Posted on: Feb. 03 2011,1:19 pm |
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After we screw up health care reform, let's take on the initiative of unscrewing the education system (gov't education)
Tacitus: (c. 56 AD-c. 117) "The more corrupt the state, the more it legislates."
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| Post Number: 689
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 08 2011,11:18 am |
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some interesint body facts
- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
*** You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?
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| Post Number: 690
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GEOKARJO
Google This!!!
Group: Members
Posts: 7799
Joined: Aug. 2003
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Posted on: Mar. 08 2011,11:20 am |
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Redneck Problem Solved.
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